Ask A Woman: The million dollar question: what do women want?
If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked. That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com .
Hi Beth,
My question is concerning a discussion my wife and I had the other night. We were planning on meeting another married couple for dinner and drinks, and we were going to a somewhat nice neighborhood joint. The male half of that other couple dresses like a slob. I sell custom suits for a living, so quite a difference in our outfits that night.
After dinner, I made a comment to my wife to the tone of, “His beautiful wife deserves better from him than faded jeans and a t-shirt,” to which she agreed. But that led to our discussion of how much “dressing like a grown up” women actually appreciate these days.
In a world where most guys just wear sneakers/jeans/t-shirt 95% of the time, what do women want? What do they expect? Would they rather see a guy in a suit or the jeans get-up?
Thanks,
TJ
Hi TJ,
Considering we’re all gathered here to talk about style and living well in general, I can safely say that all of the guys reading Dappered would agree with you that it’s preferable to take care with one’s attire. And I feel the same way. Dressing nicely makes you feel good about yourself and often it makes other people see you in a positive light.
I’ve definitely had the experience you’re describing–seeing someone schlub around in ill-fitting, faded/stained clothing, and thinking, come on, dude, try a little! But I also know that some people don’t give a damn about their appearance. Neither choice–dressing well versus dressing, um, unwell–is wrong, it’s just a matter of priorities. For all I know, while I was applying my makeup and blow drying my hair this morning, that guy in front of me at the grocery store with mustard all over his baggy cargo pants was working in his research lab trying to find a better treatment for MS. Or maybe he was playing World of Warcraft and we’re both wastes of space.
“Are you trying to look unattractive?”
As far as whether other people in our lives deserve to see us well dressed…eh, I wouldn’t go that far. Aside from occasions like getting married (where you want to dress well to honor the significant commitment you’re making) or attending Grandma Ida’s funeral (where you want to dress formally to honor the memory of a loved one), I don’t know that we can link how we’re dressed to how we’re treating people.
Here’s an example from my life. My husband wears a suit and tie to work almost every single day; he’s got excellent taste and he looks slick in his formal attire. But because he wears a suit 60 hours a week, he wants to be in the sloppiest clothing possible after work and on weekends. Sometimes we’ll be leaving for a casual dinner out and I’ll say, “I think people will stare if you walk in with neon yellow mesh shorts.” And he frowns and changes into something marginally better. While I prefer to see him in nice clothing when we’re out together, I certainly don’t feel disrespected when he chooses to dress down.
Haven’t we all been Ryan Gosling to a friend’s Steve Carrell?
To the other part of your question, as is frequently the case my answer will be that what women want is so varied. One woman might see a dude in a suit at a restaurant and think, pretentious much? Someone else, on the other hand, will think it looks very dapper. It sounds like you and your wife are a good match in this area because you both really value looking put together, and you appreciate that priority in the other person. Boom.
Bottom line: People should dress for themselves; if others dig it, that’s a bonus.
-Beth
Got something brewing in your life? Send me an email–style, etiquette, relationships–I answer it all: askawoman@dappered.com
This post seems to assume two poles. There’s lots of room between suit and cargo shorts and a dirty t-shirt. You can still be comfortable and casual and not look like a slob. Honestly, this is one of the main reasons I come to this site- inspiration for the smart casual looks.
There is a lot of room in between, but I agree it can be somewhat disrespectful to everyone around you to really dress like a slob. Even just going to dinner, if you’re at a nice place the atmosphere is somewhat diminished by the inevitable groups of people in sweats, cargo shorts, t-shirts, etc. Sometimes it should be expected of one to dress in a more presentable manner. Nice restaurants, Symphony, Theater, etc in my mind fall into this category. I feel dressing overly casual sends a signal that you don’t see anything special in what you’re doing .
I disagree with the statement that our loved ones do not deserve to see us well-dressed. I would say the amount of effort you put into looking good for your partner (by “good” I don’t necessarily mean dressed-up or made-up or immaculate, but put together/intentional/attractive) both by how you dress and by how you take care of yourself physically is just one part of the larger effort you put in generally to make your partner happy.
I get the opposite of this. My wife works an athletic job, and most of her clothing for the week is some kind of athletic shorts and a tshirt. I work from home in an office job, but as a dappered reader I’m generally at least in chino shorts and an OCBD.
She sometimes feels pressured by my level of formality, and really appreciates it when I dress down in jeans, a tshirt and hoodie, and a pair of canvas sneakers.
Mostly, like Beth says I think it needs to be a choice you make for yourself (taking into account your partner’s tastes and how you want to accomodate them or not).
It’s true that what’s “right” is most relevant in the mind of whoever spends time in the guy’s company. Nothing we post here about our personal feelings on the topic will matter nearly as much as that opinion.
That said, when a photo of me all spiffed up shows up on facebook (either with or without my wife), it garners hella facebook likes… and 90% of them are from women.
I hope the company you keep is similarly inclined!
I agree but the bar for even ‘casual but nice’ is set pretty low these days though.
I’m sure Dappered readers get called out on this all the time. I show up
to a dinner in jeans, shirt and a grey cotton jacket and my friends remark on how I’m dressed.
“Crazy, Stupid, Love” montage for the win
Why does the question have to be black or white? I don’t wear either of these outfits, ever. I don’t own a custom suit, but I also don’t own faded jeans and a t-shirt presumably with stains or holes in it. Mute point.
It’s fine to dislike that a person in your party is poorly dressed for the occasion. Assuming his wife “deserves better”… ehhhhhh…..
No one in life deserves anything. We get what we earn. Feeling sorry on her behalf isn’t the same as wanting to see a poorly dressed man look better.
I love looking slick at work, but on the weekends it’s 511s, white Vs, and Vans all day
I think a lot of women spend a lot of time feeling insecure about their own appearance, and they find it attractive when a man is so confident that it doesn’t even occur to them. “Clothes make the man” makes sense in the workplace, where a suit can be like “armor”. But maybe a really confident, secure person shouldn’t need clothes to complete them in the eyes of their significant other. Maybe it doesn’t occur to them that they need to wear “armor” to make themselves appear complete, successful, and mature.
Funnily, I’m the opposite. I work in a sea of “business casual” in the blandest sense of the word, and my personal style is about as far from that as possible, so my style effort happens on my own time.
Don’t care what beth said…, what she should have said was- you are out of line, here’s why:
1. Why do we care what other men are wearing?
2. That guy may not have wanted to be there and this was some passive aggressive bird flipping to the entire situation.
3. he may not be the money in that situation… and looked the part.
4. Maybe he just doesn’t care. tons of people don’t and are amazing people. you may have missed out on amazing because you were focused on honing your “superficial tool” powers.
5. reading between the lines of your question, people who don’t dress well are not deserving of love. really? was his t-shirt THAT bad? is he less of a person because of his clothing
i think some introspection may be needed on your part.
It’s “moot” point.
A t-shirt and jeans that fit really well on a guy who exercises and eats right can look better than an expensive suit and tie that maybe aren’t a perfect fit on a guy who’s a little shapeless, too. Being a ‘slob’ (maybe a less pejorative term would be better) isn’t just about wardrobe item choice, it can also be about attention to detail and effort to make something work.
I think most of us will agree that the way someone dresses isn’t right or wrong; rather, it’s right or wrong for the situation. And a relationship is just one situation for which we dress. As outside observers to someone else’s relationship, it’s impossible to know whether “faded jeans and a t-shirt” is right or wrong.
This past week I was in Tonopah, Nevada (which roughly located in the middle of nowhere.) While there, I passed a couple out walking their dog. He was wearing a pretty typical outfit for the town: tank top, baggy denim shorts, combat boots, and a full array of piercings and tattoos, including a prominent National Socialist Party tattoo on his neck. She seemed perfectly happy to be with him. (In fact, she was obviously pregnant ,presumably with his child.)
The point is that while he was dressed wrong for any situation I could imagine myself in, he was apparently dressed appropriately for his relationship. I can question his companion’s judgment, but who am I to say she “deserves better” than what she wants?
“Bottom line: People should dress for themselves; if others dig it, that’s a bonus.”
Boom. Next topic please.
My apologies. Didn’t proofread nor care to actually finish the article in the first place.
Sort of branching off from this, it’s important to keep in mind that in a general sense there’s social training going on in how anyone dresses, whether they’re going with the flow or actively contravening it.
We might like to think not in 2014 but a lot of guys still get the message that effortful dressing is incorrect behavior for whatever reason.
It’s a moo point. It’s a cow’s opinion. It doesn’t matter…
As a general rule, if you sport a Nazi/swastika tattoo on your neck (or anywhere on your body), you’re dressed wrong for life. Period.
“People should dress for themselves.” I like this because if you dress for yourself and it makes you happy, then your self confidence in theory should be a bit better. Having more confidence is what will make you more attractive.
Me personally, when I dress good (fit and style) I feel better.
I definitely agree with you on that point. If multiple facial piercings and tattoos floats your boat I have no problem with that, but Nazis suck.
This may come as a shock but how a man dresses is way low down on the list of priorities for a lot of women, even attractive well put together women, when choosing a mate. I know that’s sacrilege to say on Dappered, but it’s true. Does this “slob” have a good sense of humor and treat this woman well? Is he considerate, charming, intelligent, and a good provider? Is he interesting to talk to? All of these things rank higher than how he’s dressed for many if not most women. A guy can dress well and be a first rate jerk. Many women might pick a “slob” who’s interesting over such a guy. Sure, if he’s actually dressing inappropriately for an occasion she might wish he made a little more effort but every relationship requires some compromise, and she is obviously willing to compromise on that point because, presumably, he brings something more important to her to the table.
“In a world where most guys just wear sneakers/jeans/t-shirt 95% of the time…”.
Where is this world, exactly?
Word.
“We get what we earn”
-I know plenty of poorly dressed guys who would make a great partner.
I never post on these things but dress attire annoys me when it comes to the “casual” outings. I’m going to show up in shorts or jeans, maybe a t-shirt but probably a polo or button down. Some of my supposedly better dressed friends show up in a cocktail dress and a suit at the freaking movies and wonder why people are “judging” them. I’m sorry but that is just pretentious.
what it really boils down to at least in my opinion is this. wear what you want, If you like it and it makes you feel good, then do it. who cares what other people think. you are not living your life for them. you are living it for yourself. and If you are living it for someone else then your not really living at all.
Post your first question to Dappered and have it answered? YES!
First off, thanks to Beth for taking to time for such an insightful answer, and second thanks to the community for such a good dialogue in the comments – this was exactly what I was attempting to get at.
I do want to point out that I stated: “His wife deserves better FROM him” and NOT “His wife deserves better THAN him.” That being said, the neighborhood joint we were at was definitely more of a sportcoat and chinos type of place, than a jeans and t-shirt kind of place. So was this other man dressed appropriately? No. But myself in a custom 2-piece suit with tie, hankerchief, and polished Cordovan LWB appropriate? Probably not.
What I’m trying to get at is that with no “civil” rules concerning dress nowadays, what is it that women really expect/appreciate. Obviously the answer is varied and extremely subjective, but nonetheless I thank Beth and community for the dialogue.
What, exactly, are they pretending to be? If their preference is to wear formal clothes, then pretension would come with wearing cargo pants and a wife-beater.
Hell. You can even look pretty good in cargo shorts and a beat to hell T if you know what you are doing. I am willing to bet that most guys that dress in too big of dirtied cloths could look much better with the exact same pieces if they simply fit well.