Style Scenario: Santa on Christmas Eve

What are you going to wear? Or in this instance, what is HE going wear? St. Nick has a huge job ahead of him. Lots of miles to cover, lots of soot filled chimneys to get down, lots of cookie crumbs & milk spills to avoid. It’s a dirty job, but that doesn’t mean Santa can’t look sharp while doing it. Here’s what he might wear while putting another 25k-50k miles on the sleigh.

The Sweater: J. Crew Wool Guernsey Turtleneck – $88.80 w/ HOLIDAY ($158). St. Nick is a classics kinda fella, and it doesn’t get more classic than an off-white, chunky but not bulky turtlneck. Great for keeping the arctic blast off his neck. Knit from wool, alpaca, and acrylic.

The Watch: Casio G-Shock G-Aviation GWA1100 – $419.00. To keep track of who is sleeping and who is awake, St. Nick needs a watch with a world timer function. And this thing has all the bells and whistles he needs during his annual trek. 200m water resistance, major shock protection that can handle smashing into Chimney walls, chronograph for measuring roof-to-tree split times, a digital compass, and that all important world timer. It’s the kind of thing he needs on his wrist in case the sleigh’s instrument panel goes on the fritz.

The Belt: Perry Ellis Stretch Belt – $18.99. Yes that’s a stretchy woven belt. Y’know how many cookies he’s got to wolf down that night?

The Coat: Custom Gore-Tex Cashmere-Lined Topcoat w/ Horween Leather Belt. One of a kind. Made by the Mrs. w/ R&D by the Elf Q Branch. Not pictured: Matching hat with interior crash-padding, drop down night vision equipped face shield, and a wireless blue tooth ear piece connected to North Pole flight control & NORAD via the on-sleigh wi-fi hotspot.

The Base Layer: L.L. Bean Made in Canada Cotton/Wool Union Suit – $69.00. Again, Santa’s a classics guy, so although the new-fangled neoprene base layers may wick moisture better, he’s still going with a traditional union suit. At least it does have a layer of wool in there, so that’ll function a bit better than the super old-school all cotton long johns.

The Boots: Allen Edmonds Longbranch in Black Grain ‘ $300 ($350). Port Washington isn’t that far from his place, so Santa’s been frequenting Allen Edmonds for years. The lug-soled Longbranch is perfect for a night like Christmas Eve, with all of those slippery rooftops and what not.

The Air Freshener: Car Freshener Royal Pine – $0.77. You try sitting behind eight tiny reindeer (or nine, depending on the weather) for an entire evening. The hell are the elves feeding those beasts these days anyway?

The Nice/Naughty List + Pen: Waterproof Field Notes – $9.95 | Fisher Space Pen – $34.05. Were you expecting an iPad? The master list stays on the scrolls at the pole, but for the big night, a duplicate is transcribed to a pack of weather resistant “Expedition” Field Notes. Meanwhile, the pen works in extreme temperatures and will write from any angle. Even in zero gravity. And that’s perfect for maintaining order on the list when Blitzen gets a wild hair up his tuckus and leads the team on spontaneous inverted aerial maneuvers over the Aegean.

The Gloves: Orvis Micropile Lined Bison Leather Gloves – $69 ($109). Warm, but also offers the dexterity and durability to handle the reins with authority. Because. Well, Blitzen. Seriously. That damn deer.

The Goggles: Hobart Oxy/Acetylene Flip Front Goggles – $6.99. The tinted flip down lenses are perfect for fighting off any Griswoldian Christmas Light Displays. Prescription lenses by the Reykjavik Costco Optical Department.

The Mask: Rubber Krampus Mask – $24.95. Krampus hired Scott Boras in the off season, which of course led to Big K. holding out for a new contract. Krampus says he wants a salary hike in part because his coal-based investments have destabilized due to the threat of carbon taxes. Or… something along those lines. Who knows. Couldn’t really tell what he was saying since he had the head of a Cabbage Patch Doll in his mouth. So with Krampus sitting out this year, Santa has to do double duty by masking up and scaring the crap out of the naughty list (looking at you Sepp, you skeeze-ball).

The Pants: Bonobos Moleskin 5-Pockets – $75.60 w/ ALLISBRIGHT ($138). Pricey, even with the extra 30% off code, but the Italian moleskin is super soft and dense enough to cut some of the wind. A little bit of comfort can go a long way when pulling an all nighter. Code exp. 12/22.