Clothes are a lot like thinning hair, aging sports stars, and dead-end relationships. Better to fire it before it quits on you. Here are 10 signs it’s time to send those duds to the thrift shop.
#1. There’s a company logo on it and you no longer work there.
Most of us have worked at jobs that required us to wear company logo wear. And then we leave the job… and we still have a bunch of embroidered polos, windbreakers, and baseball caps. Problem with still wearing those is that it’s seen as an invitation by some to ask if you work there, or, if you know someone that they know who works there. And then you have to explain “nah, I don’t work there anymore because our ratings stunk / I dropped a car off the lift / who knew you could SINK a bumper boat?”
#2. You haven’t worn it in over a year
What % of an average guy’s closet is taken up by dead-stock clothing he hasn’t worn in a year or more? Sure, some items are seasonal (shorts, heavy wool sweaters), but if it’s something you haven’t worn in over a year, it’s time to ask yourself if it’s worth the space. Can’t tell what you have or haven’t worn, since it all gets lost in the shuffle? Try the reverse hanger technique.
The Reverse Hanger Technique in action
#3. It’s a single-breasted suit with 3 or more buttons on the front.
Unless it’s a 3/2 roll, a 3-button suit will probably look best on a hanger in a thrift store. The short lapels and massive swaths of fabric on a 3-button (or 4-button or…) don’t visually do anything to accentuate a guy’s shoulder to waist ratio. You’re simply swaddled in a barrel of cloth. Trends are cyclical, and one day the 3-button suit might make a comeback (never say never) but a 2 button has never and will never***, go out of style.
#4. You “found” it in your closet, but you weren’t excited to see it again.
We’ve all had garments go missing deep within the collection, but when it’s rediscovered, if you’ve moved on like Helen Hunt in Castaway? It’s time to let it go man. Even if there’s initial interest due to the novelty. Let it go.
#5. It’s featured, prominently, in the Macklemore song
Unless you own a DeLorean, and then if you do, you keep that thing. Forever.
#6. It’s been sitting in a “to take to the thrift store” bag for a month.
Just get it in there already. This is the bizzaro-universe version of procrastinating on returning a regrettable purchase you made over the web. It’s just eating up floor space. The worst case scenario is that you make a bad purchase, the return-window expires, it sits in your closet unworn for more than a year, and then it spends three months in a bag on the floor of your bedroom waiting to go to the thrift store. HOW CAN WE LIVE LIKE THIS.
#7. It has a hammer loop on it, and you’re not a carpenter.
Carpenter jeans, believe it or not, are attempting a comeback. No hammer loops on the contemporary versions, but still…
#8. You’ve gained or lost 15 pounds, and there’s no going back.
Whether you’ve gone Beast Mode, or à la mode, be honest with yourself and your new body type. If it’s the new normal, don’t hang onto the old, now-uncomfortable clothes. It’ll give you a false sense of wardrobe security. One day you’ll really need a clean shirt, but the only stuff that’s not in the hamper is a size too big or too small.
Hulk pissed he no longer fit in his old stuff, and needed to buy new stuff.
Hulk hate himself for his humblebrag. Hulk has sad.
#9. It’s your lucky shirt you wore on the day you got fired…
…and got dumped. Nothing like sinking a bumper boat and getting dumped by your significant other in the same day.
#10. It’s a jersey of a sports star who left on bad terms or was a huge bust
Look, it happens.
***Wait, what happened to “never say never”?
Top photo credit: M. Mozart