Ask A Woman: You STILL know nothing!
If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked. That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com .
A few weeks ago I posted the first in a series on ideas that seem to be pervasive–but aren’t really true–about love. Today I’m following up with my second post on the same topic. These four beliefs are especially interesting to me because at various points in my life, I held them, which did not do any favors for the relationships I was in at the time. None of them typically works in the complex swirling of real life.
“When you meet THE ONE, you know.”
I’m sure some people do get that thunderclap feeling when they meet their future spouse. But most of us don’t (and I would guess that many of us got it about the wrong person at some point). Maybe we have a lot to talk about right off the bat. Maybe we’re instantly attracted. But to catch someone’s name and shake their hand and be decided right then and there that this is who we’ll end up with? Nope. It takes time to get to know someone, and it takes time to build a relationship. That’s okay. No one gets a prize for “knowing” after two dates versus six months versus one year.
“Everyone has a soul mate.”
One person just for you does not exist. As in, if you happened not to register for the class you met your wife in, you would be destined to be alone forever. Or if you had the thunder clap feeling described above, and then you and that person broke up, you wouldn’t ever find another love. The idea of soul mates is very romantic. But not true. We can make our lives with any number of people. Each life would be different, yes, but each would have its own set of joys and challenges.
Phoebe introduces Monica to her soul mate…who is not Chandler.
“If you love someone, you should love everything about them.”
I think most people know this intellectually. Obviously, you’re not going to love everything about anyone. Everyone has faults. Everyone is irritating sometimes. When you first start dating someone you’re really into, there’s a honeymoon stage. Everything about them is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. Eventually that falls away and you realize that your gregarious boyfriend frequently interrupts other people in conversation. Or criticizes your driving every time you’re both in the car. Part of making a life with someone is accepting and tolerating those irritations. It’s normal!
“It is your duty to change the things you don’t like about your partner.”
Heyyyooo, this one is for Beth circa 1999, and then again circa 2002. This is what I say to young Beth, and to anyone else out there in a similar situation: you aren’t going to change the person you’re with and you really shouldn’t try. People aren’t improvement projects; you are not contributing to the greater good by trying to make someone into the person you’d prefer they be. You can get your sloppy partner to put her dirty clothes in the hamper instead of leaving them on the floor, sure. But it would be near impossible (and unfair) to try and change your other half from a shy introvert who hates going out, to a bubbly extrovert who wants to leave the house at every opportunity. People are responsible for themselves–that means you be the kind of person you want to be, and you either accept others as they are, or choose not to have them in your life.
Perhaps a Part Three is in store?
Got something brewing in your life? Send me an email–style, etiquette, relationships–I answer it all: askawoman@dappered.com
If a girl gives you the thunder-clap she is definitely no marriage material. You know wha’am sayin
Also known as: You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife. I mean really, it’s impossible to turn a garden tool into a human.
“don’t make a ho your husband either”
– fabolous, “We Get High”
i’m not sure where i really fall on the Soul Mate spectrum (full disclosure, i’ve spent way more time as a singleton than not…); however, a soul mate may not be a romantic interest at all. perhaps it’s someone you’re completely in sync with in every way. you’re just not, you know… schtupping each other.
also, while there are 6 billion-ish people out there, i don’t believe there are 6 billion different types of people. the idea that there is JUST one out there for you is really more restricting than romantic if you really think about it. again… singleton talking. i reserve the right to change my mind when i finally meet Rosario Dawson and we immediately give each other the thunder claps.
I think another one is that love should always be exciting. I married my wife in part because, unlike other girls I had dated (who were often, in one way or another, more “exciting”), I was always comfortable around her. Looking back now, six years into marriage, I think I underappreciated at the time what a good move that was.
“That’s good advice”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U8pNjwn7jU
At my workplace, we refer to these as “long-handled garden weeding implements” so as to avoid necessary rewatchings of The Video.
Whoa, Rosario Dawson has the thunder clap? I bet Derek Jeter gave it to her, didn’t he?
“Hoes don’t act right.” – Prophet Ludacris.
THIS.
My future wife and I just feel so comfortable around each other. It doesn’t matter if we’re busy doing something, or just sitting around surfing the net. We both just want to be around each other, because it feels *right*. Maybe not exciting, but it’s “us”.
I met her. I heard the thunderclap. She was the one – my soul mate. I loved everything about her. Four months later, we were married. Thirteen months after that, we were filing for divorce, she was four months pregnant and I hadn’t touched her in six months. True story.
A few years go by and I meet someone at a bar one night. We hung out, had fun, no big deal. I was in the Navy, in and out of port, she’d divorced from a sailor about a year prior and had no desire to hitch herself to another one. We were cool. It was just a casual thing. Then I got orders to another city. And I suddenly realized that I really, really didn’t want to leave her behind. The 13th of next month, we’ll have been married for 22 years.