Ask A Woman: Phone versus Face-to-Face.
If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked. That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com .
Hey Beth,
I have a bit of a internal conflict. There’s a young woman I’m interested in, and I’m debating between asking her on a date in person, or via phone. Personally, I want to ask her in person. However, we live on opposite ends of a big city, so to ask her in person, it’d almost feel like planning a date to ask her on a date. So I thought of asking her via phone, which while practical, just doesn’t feel right. So I’m stuck. Any insights?
– Jon
Hi Jon,
Interesting quandary. People make a big deal “these days” about how young people are always on their phones (although this is usually a complaint about texting), and no one has any face-to-face social skills and important decisions are being made without the intimacy of actual contact. This is all true in my book…though I can’t help but think about how television, women wearing pants in public, and gay marriage were all supposed to ruin society, too, and that hasn’t happened (yet–I have a pretty snazzy pair of black trousers that I plan on wearing to the grocery store this week, could be the beginning of the end). So I think it’s understandable that you’re trying to ditch the phone and do it old school style.
But…all you’re doing is asking a girl out on a date. I would definitely advise you to call her–not text–simply because it’s easier to ask if she wants to go to dinner, and then decide on a time, day and place, rather than exchange 15 text messages. It sounds like you don’t see her on a regular basis, so a phone call is totally appropriate. You don’t need to schedule a time to see her to ask her formally on a date. Think about how that would work. You’d have to call her to set it up, so you’re using the phone again, and if you asked her to coffee and you don’t normally do that, she might assume it’s a date anyway. Then when you say, with great flourish and drama, “Will you, Sandy, go on a date with me?” it might seem like overkill…since really, what’s the difference between the coffee you’re having in the moment and the dinner you end up having later in the week?
If you do decide to ask her out in person…can’t be Lloyd Dobler’s approach, amiright?
Call her. Don’t make a thing out of it. As I’ve said before in this space, dating (as in initial dating, before exclusivity or shared signed leases) is really not a big deal. It feels like a big deal because you’re usually nervous when you ask someone out (what if your voice cracks?) and they could say no (how embarrassing), and you might have a terrible time (so uncomfortable), and even if you have a good time what if they don’t (you’d be a chump without knowing it), and even if you both have a good time they might stop returning your phone calls in a month (failure, rejection, self-loathing).
It doesn’t have to be this way! We can, as individuals, as a Dappered community, as THE WORLD AT LARGE, begin to train ourselves to see dating differently. Dating is getting to know someone. It’s finding out if you have similar tastes in movies, if you can make each other laugh over dinner, if you can put up with her grinding her teeth when she sleeps and if she’s willing to tolerate the terrible puns you make at every opportunity. Dating is not commitment. It might still hurt your feelings if, after 3 dates, she says she’s just not that into you, but long-term, what’s the real damage? You took a chance to get to know someone, and you lost 3 nights of your life. Not high stakes. On to the next.
-Beth
Got a question for Beth? Send it to: askawoman@dappered.com
Beth killed this one. Agreed on all counts.
In-person > calling > messaging > sky-messaging > telegraphing > bat-signaling > voodoo-magicking > morse-coding >> never asking.
Never asking, you nailed it with never asking!
The concession I would make to some sort of non real time messaging is that it doesn’t put the other party on the spot
send her one of these
http://www.bureauofcommunication.com/compose/romanticintent
Smoke signals? Carrier pigeon?
I always just text “yo you wanna come over” – always.
I sleep alone a lot.
Agreed with everything, Beth.
Also, from my experience, the best date is one that is not a date. When you call it a “date”, it will automatically put pressure on both sides and that’s not good.I’d call her and simply ask her to spend an evening (or afternoon) with me.
Carrier pigeon. I’m trying that one..
That’s true. But what’s wrong with putting people on the spot?
In person is better than calling if you will see the person normally, but if you don’t, you’re pretty much stuck calling.
On a side note, I have no idea what ‘domering’ is, but I’m too afraid to google it at work.
Worse than the pressure of being on a “date” is the uncertainty of not knowing someone’s intentions or not knowing whether they are aware of YOUR intentions. Recipe for disaster and/or lots of wasted time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fWVxymY7NE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrlLkqhnHL0
Well said.
Thanks — either forgot that episode or haven’t gotten that far in watching HIMYM
It’s a time investment to be sure, but I think it’s quaint charm really resonates. It makes us long for simpler times…
And cleaner times. Post cards usually don’t reek of pigeon poop.