“…but here’s my number! So call me maybe…” Everybody, sing along!
If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked. That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com .
Hi Beth,
I am literally the worst at voicemail. I can walk up to a woman I’m interested in and have a great conversation (as long as she’s game); I have no problems talking on the phone. But if someone doesn’t pick up, there’s just something about being recorded on a voicemail that turns me back into an awkward 13 year old.
I generally try to talk as little as possible to give myself the smallest chance of sounding like an Arrested Development character, “Hi, it’s Nathan, call me back!” or if I have more to say, I just hang up and send a quick text with details of what I called about and asking for a return call. Do you have any other recommendations? I think caring less would be a good start but that’s easier said than done.
– Nathan
Hi Nathan,
I’m going to put on my crabby geezer hat for a moment. Here we go–honestly, I’m surprised anyone has any phone skills anymore. With the way we send texts and emails and tweets, humans have zero practice at dynamic human interaction. It’s a wonder we can speak at all…okay, done bitching.
Leaving a voicemail is awkward because you know you’re basically talking to yourself. There’s no interaction, no response. It can get weird in a hurry. I think it’s fine to leave a brief message for the woman you’re interested in. Even if you have more to say, keep it short. “Hi, it’s Nathan, I was just checking in to see if we’re still on for brunch tomorrow. Talk to you soon.” You can work out details like time, place, who’s driving, etc, when you actually connect. If even managing that much turns you into Rainman, write down what you want to say ahead of time. I’m serious. I first started talking to boys on the phone around the age of 13 or 14. I used to get so nervous that I’d write down a list of topics I could possibly turn to if the conversation stalled. Nerd alert! But it helped. I felt less stressed starting the phone call because I knew I had a backup plan. That doesn’t mean the conversation wasn’t awkward. Oh, it was painful–thankfully I was too green to notice. Anyway, go ahead and write yourself a script (hopefully you’re better at conversing than the 13-year-old Beth). Who’s going to know?
There are few movie scenes more painful to watch than Mikey self-destructing.
If your message ends up going south, cut and run. Don’t linger with–“Wow, that sounded really dumb,” or “I didn’t mean to imply we’ll be sleeping together tonight.” End the phone message on a cheerful note and bail. Don’t call back. Ignore the neurotic impulse to explain yourself. Attempts to “fix it” always sound worse than whatever bone-headed thing you initially said. I agree, Nathan, caring less about the outcomes of our actions, especially when it comes to love, would make meeting people, dating people, and committing to people, much easier. It would also make life less rich. Part of the reward of finding someone you want to be with is how vulnerable you first felt (and probably still feel at times) when you were trying to make it happen. Putting yourself out there, risking embarrassment (which is actually guaranteed, truth be told)–it’s the price you have to pay to find love.
Back to being a geezer…I know that texting is how people connect “these days.” It’s unavoidable. But you have to talk to the person you’re dating–or interested in dating–at some point. So why not get some practice for your in-person interactions by actually speaking on the phone once in awhile, instead of making all plans via text? Awkward phone calls used to be a rite of passage (see 13-year-old Beth). Let’s bring it back, gentlemen.
-Beth
Got a question for Beth? Send it to: askawoman@dappered.com
You can always switch out the answering machine tape if you bomb it! https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=MMNykFaLNRM#t=77s
I suppose you could always have planned out line-by-line what you’re going to say, but I think the best permanent solution is to get better at winging it. It will sound more natural and sincere. The best way to do that is practice – instead of texting or email, call your friends and family and coworkers and leave messages. Be brief and to the point and it’ll start sounding smoother before you know it.
It helps to have structure: Intro, Reason for the call “I’m calling because” or “I just wanted to say”, if/when you’re expecting a response “so I hope you can call me back when you get a chance”, where you can be reached if necessary, and then “bye!” No dilly-dallying, stalling, or “… anywayyyy”. Get in, get out, don’t leave yourself space to make it weird.
Google Voice > You 🙁
Just don’t give your friends or coworkers any advance warning or explanation. 🙂
“Hi XXX – no, I’m not calling about our 10am meeting. But it was really nice meeting you at the bar last night, hope we can do it again sometime soon! Call me…”
If you’re REALLY awkward, you can also consider the ultimate safety net: tape yourself beforehand and then play it back into the receiver.
But the best way to sound good on the phone is to remember that it doesn’t matter what the other person thinks. Just say what you want to say.
Bear in mind that some voicemail systems will let you listen to your message and re record as necessary.
Nice post, Beth. I don’t leave messages for women anymore, except for my wife. I agree, voice mail, in general, can be challenging. I’ve found that simply following a standard template for messages helps immensely.
Here’s a link to a podcast specifically on how to leave a voice message. This is targeted at leaving voice messages in a professional setting. And I don’t see why the same principals wouldn’t apply for social situations, as well.
http://www.manager-tools.com/2007/10/how-to-leave-a-voicemail
[And I’m also happy about sharing between two of my favorite web sites.]
Maybe not for everybody, but this is what has worked for me…
I’ve found the best way is to put yourself into a conversational mindset, even if you’re talking to a machine. First, stand up. Then, try to smile. (It’ll come through the phone.) If you talk with your hands, let that other hand get moving… Stuff like that. I know it sounds awkward, but you’ll probably be alone so there’s no harm in trying it. (These tactics also work well for phone interviews.)
Then, just keep it simple, as if you’re holding a two-way conversation and not allowing them the opportunity to speak. Say hello. Ask how they’re doing. Keep it short. Done.
All that said… I hate voicemail. 😛
Honestly what’s wrong with text? When you get it you can read it immediately and see what you need.
With voicemail you see the little notification, have to wait until you are in an area with good reception, then you have to call into your voicemail, put in your voicemail password, then possible listen through 1 or 2 old messages that are going to be deleted, then you finally get to the voicemail and if you missed a detail or their recording was not perfect you have to play back the whole thing and listen again.
My office building is made of steel and has horrible reception and I rarely get to voicemails until after work or even the next day (if I forget about them).
You don’t have visual voicemail? That’s so 2010. (I kid I kid.)
And if you’re trying to leave a breezy voicemail, don’t end it with “…I’m breezy!” It totally negates the breezy.
It just depends on how you want to project the “seriousness” of your intentions.
When you receive a letter or voicemail in this day and age, it means that the writer/speaker took the time and consideration to try and communicate to you.
Write your wife a love-letter and mail it back to your home for her to find it in the mail and see her response.