Ask A Woman: Men are from Mars; women are from Venus; everyone feels like they’re in hell.
If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. And don’t worry, your identity will be protected too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com
Hello Dappered readers,
If you typically tune in on Thursdays you know that the Ask A Woman column appears in this space, in which readers write in to ask me about going bald, picking up women, wearing suspenders, and other quandaries. And that’s fantastic. Send in those questions here. I look forward to reading them. But sometimes I want to delve more deeply into some of the issues we only touch on during the advice column portion of the program. And that’s what today is all about.
The inspiration for today’s topic is the mounting number of questions about dating I receive each week from men. Most of them ask me to explain a woman’s perplexing behavior. My typical approach to these questions is to try to interpret the behavior for them (based on the limited amount of information I have) and give them options for further action. It is not unusual, then, after the post is published, to find that at least a quarter of the comments say something along the lines of, what do you expect, all women are teases/gold-diggers/evil. Hmmm.
I’ve also noticed, among female friends and acquaintances who are perpetually single, a similar attitude–we broke up because men are assholes/selfish/evil. Hmmm.
Not helping the situation. At. All.
It’s safe to say these men and women have had bad luck (or made bad choices, a topic for a different column) finding someone. They have a few bad dates, or a few unsuccessful relationships even, and suddenly all women ages 25-29 who live in Boston are shallow, cheating liars. Besides the obvious logical fallacy here, the main problem I see is that we have to get past hating people we end relationships with. Of course there are exceptions. Girlfriend sleeps with your brother? Egg her house. Fiancee opens credit cards in your name and runs up a $25,000 bill? Hate away. But when a woman says, “This isn’t working for me anymore” or she admits to having feelings for someone else or she wants marriage and children faster than you do…this is not the time for anger towards or generalizations about the entirety of womendom. And it’s not a time for hate. Sometimes people just don’t click. Can we really perpetuate hate and ugliness towards a relationship that fizzled simply because the two people weren’t a good match?
I want us–and this could be Dappered readers or men and women of integrity or whoever might be listening in this space–to get to a place where when a relationship ends, it’s not because she’s a bitch and he’s a dick. It’s because it didn’t work out. And let’s have the grace to leave it that way, lick our wounds, and move on to something that is inevitably better than what came before.
-Beth
Got a question for Beth? Send it to: askawoman@dappered.com
I spent the entirety of January 9th, 2013 reasoning out this exact scenario. I recently attempted to tell a woman we just weren’t a good match for a relationship…..she would not accept it. I mean, you would think she already married me in her future life the way she tried to reason it out. I just don’t understand why two people can’t mutually accept that they aren’t a good match for a relationship without hating each other in the end. It’s like trying on a blazer that doesn’t fit, are you going to hate that store afterwards? No, try on another blazer! Be cordial and move on respectably. Rant over….excellent timing Beth!
I was bent over double laughing the other day watching a Star Trek episode. I think Captain Picard sums up the fellings of most men very well 🙂
Beth, I know many delightful, honest, and engaging 25-29 year old women in Boston, just in case anyone took your example seriously.
This may sound hokey to some, but I think these situations can be avoided by following some basic rules of life. I love a book called The Four Agreements, which outlines these four tenets:
1) Speak with integrity and positivity.
2) Don’t take ANYTHING (either positive or negative) personally.
3) Don’t assume anything.
4) Always do your best.
#2 and #3 are especially poignant here. Losing a person or experience you cherish hurts, but that hurt becomes warped into malice when you start taking it personally. The malice turns into defense and coping mechanisms, and pretty soon all relationships are tainted from the start.
Surprisingly, I have good relationships with every girl I have dated. I’m not their “BFF” nor do we hang out often but when we see each other we are always civil and share a laugh or two. Life is too short to be filled with thoughts about disliking someone. Take some time, do what you need to do to get over it, and be the first to present an olive branch.
I have definitely noticed a seemingly disproportionate number of men – though still a minority, to be sure – who turn extraordinarily hostile toward women basically by virtue of the fact that these women won’t have sex with them. This seems to apply to both exes and other women. I guess this stems from the fact that men are culturally trained to believe that we are entitled to sex.
I’ve seen some crazy reactions from women re: their exes, but for the most part, it’s the men I’ve seen who get the most irrationally hostile.
I like that you made the parallelism to clothing, very fitting.
Agreed. Well done.
#2… If you never took anything (positive or negative) personally then you’d never experience the full range of human emotion. Life in a vacuum would suck.
Did anyone else read the title of the middle book in Sam Jackson’s voice?
Disagree. Try it sometime and see.
Perhaps I’m misunderstanding the application. I could understand this if it were amended to say “never taking anything personally from people who don’t know you” but if you’re never to take anything, even positive things, personally I see that resulting in some really stunted interactions. Like love, are you not to take love personally?
Just date.
Seriously: whether it’s Craigslist or OKC or your friend’s “really nice” sorority sister, just date. Sooner or later, you’ll meet someone amazing and attractive, someone who checks off all of your preconceived “requirements” you want in a partner…and you won’t click. It’s nothing against the other person – you genuinely want to want them. But the chemistry hasn’t appeared; you don’t get the butterflies you wish you could.
Once you’ve lived through this, you’ll realize it’s happened to girls, too, who would love to love you. That insight should free you (not you, Beth, but the anonymous guy to whom I write this) from any lingering hostility towards The Other Sex (or Dat Demographic, or whoever you’re demonizing de jour).
The spirit of the statement is the idea that your self-worth should be completely intrinsic, and should not be affected by other people’s actions; that having it is a personal choice and not a consequence of your situation. In your love example, you can certainly be in love with someone and treasure that relationship, but you’re just asking for trouble when you start investing your self-esteem into another person’s emotions or the outcome of the relationship.
I see what you did there.
I think I see where you’re coming from and so I believe a better way to articulate this would be “Don’t let anyone have any substantial impact on your self-worth.” since the spirit of “don’t take it personally” is to understand that the stranger who calls you an asshole for no reason couldn’t possibly be basing that on anything. However, if your best friend pulls you aside to voice a serious concern that certain actions you’ve taken lately are consistent with those of an asshole then there might be significant cause for introspection, where-as if you didn’t take it personally then you’d probably miss that.
The rule as written is simpler, easier to follow, and probably gets better results. And if you follow the other rules, I doubt you’ll run into that problem. Really, though, just check out the book. It’s a short read and the author’s much more eloquent than I am.
Didn’t, but now I did. I also read the post title as him in Pulp Fiction during Jules’ Ezekiel 25:17 speech.
“Now I’m thinkin’: it could mean you’re the evil man. And I’m the righteous man… Or it could be you’re the righteous man and I’m the shepherd and it’s the world that’s evil and selfish.”
Very true. Luckily for us, reading and following Dappered’s style tips does in fact entitle us to sex. High five! ….guys?
why do men love bitches?