Originally Published 4/25/12
As always, there will most certainly be exceptions. Leave any additions/adjustments in the comments section below.
Having two or three great, white dress shirts > Always having your favorite in the damn hamper
Tattersall or Windowpane > Pinstripes
Tieless + Jacket > Shirt + Tie but no jacket
Wurkin Stiffs > Regular Collar Stays
Rolling your sleeves up the Italian way > Having them unroll all the time, on their own
Wearing a suit for no reason > Feeling weird when you “have” to wear a suit.
Navy Suit > Black Suit
Shadow Plaids > Pinstripes
Solid knit ties > Solid, shiny silk ties
Cotton pocket squares > Silk pocket squares
Those paper-clip like sliding things > pins that hold a shirt together
Hi! Welcome! > Can I help you find anything? You sure? You really sure? I don’t think you’re sure.
Black Friday Online/Cyber Monday > Black Friday in store
Amazon Prime > Just about any other form of online shopping
Mid-day, mid-week, in-store shopping > The weekend.
Buying your own tux > Renting
Regular collar > Winged Collar
Well shined black balmorals > Patent Leather formal shoes
Having somewhere to go in your own tux > Trying to make up reasons to put it on.
Finally tying a bow tie with ease > Swearing up a motherf*ckpants storm.
Letting your hair do its thing > Trying to force it to do something else
Less Product > More Product
Matte Finish > High Shine
Getting your hair cut by the same person, on a schedule > “How long is the wait?”
Occasionally checking the inside AND outside of your nose for stray hairs > Scaring children
Having a consistent “laundry day” – Always having half a load damp in the washer.
Realizing what the steam button on your iron does > Using only heat and taking forever
Ironing with a little starch > sticking just to steam
Becoming so fluent in ironing you can do it blind > Having to pay careful attention while ironing
Getting a steamer > Having to get your jackets pressed every once in awhile
Good Liquor Neat/on ice > Liquor mixed with coke or tonic
Enjoying it > Shots
Never drinking to get drunk > Jäeger
Sitting at the bar > Sitting at a random table
Club Soda + Bitters > Having one drink too many
A really good Irish coffee w/ fresh whipped cream > Is that reddi-wip?
Making your favorite cocktail by eye > Having to measure
Cooking with an open bottle of wine > Cooking
Making your date dinner by eye > Having to follow a recipe step by step
Making your date breakfast by eye > Ahem.
Finding your own tailor > Depending on department store / Dry Cleaner alterations
Getting your shoes shined at the airport > sitting in the terminal twiddling your thumbs
Wearing a navy cotton blazer w/ dark denim > Thinking you need more contrast
Cognac or light brown shoes > Dark brown shoes
Wearing black shoes with a medium to light grey suit > Thinking you should always wear brown with grey.
Getting a car you really like, at a price you can afford > Being poor due to your expensive dream car
Being in shape and having decently made clothes > Being out of shape and having designer/bespoke clothes
Getting out on the dance floor/singing a song at karaoke* > Refusing to even try
Discretion, & not firing unless fired upon > Being that guy who likes to kid/insult everyone
Not caring how or what type of clothing others are wearing > Measuring your own style against others
* Johnny Cash or the B-52s are pretty good for those of us who can’t carry a tune. Top Photo Credit: Ell Brown