Ask A Woman: Can’t. Stop. Thinking about her.
If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. And don’t worry, your identity will be protected too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com
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Hey Beth,
I was broken up with about 6 months ago by a girl that I thought I was in love with. Right when I thought I was over her, I slumped back into memories of “us” and can’t stop thinking about her. My friends are suggesting that I sleep with someone else to help get my mind off her, but that’s not who I am or what I’m about. I’m a relationship type of guy. Is there anything I can do to make this go away faster?
– Chris
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Hi Chris,
You know that old song, “Breaking Up is Hard to do“? I’ve always thought that’s a bit of an understatement. If I were to retool that title, I’d go for something more accurate like…”Breaking Up is Hell on Earth I Hate Him I Love Him I’m Fine I’m Miserable Pass the Vodka.” So let me first just validate your feelings–break ups STINK.
Here’s the thing about break ups–there’s a grieving period involved. It’s not exactly the same as grieving over someone who’s died–my experience of death grief is that it’s cleaner, simpler somehow than break-up grief–but you are absolutely grieving the death of something, in this case a relationship. What I’ve learned about grief is that it…surprises. You expect to cry or burn photos of the other person or smash your fist into a wall in the first month or two after the break up. That seems normal; people around you expect that you’ll be sort of a basket case during this time. And then you begin to feel a bit better. Strangers might flirt with you, or maybe you get really involved in school or work, and it seems like you’ll make it through. Then without warning, you find yourself listening to Soft Cell’s “Tainted Love” on the jukebox at your local watering hole and drinking enough vodka-crans to give you adult onset diabetes. It seems like you’re back to square one. Grief is sneaky that way. But the truth of the matter is that you’re not really starting back at square one.
Think of grief like working out. You’ve already put in six months at the gym so having a momentary setback with a box of donuts is not the end of the world. Those six months still count. It’s also been my experience that setbacks have triggers. Maybe you get a wedding invitation and it reminds you, not only are you single, but now you have to go watch a deliriously happy couple promise to love each other for life. Or you see your ex at a restaurant with another man. Think about what may have happened directly before you experienced your setback. That may shed light on why you’re suddenly feeling this way. And if there is no trigger, that’s okay, too. You’re allowed to still feel bad from time to time that you’re not with someone you loved.
Now, on to your friends’ suggestion. Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with, regardless of how certain your friends are that it will “cure” you. If that’s not your scene, then sleeping with someone you don’t care about or aren’t dating will probably make you feel worse. I’m sure your friends mean well, but getting under someone is not always the best way to get over someone.
Don’t allow a relationship to fully define you. The risk is you end up drinking orange juice on your floor.
Here’s the worst news I’m going to deliver to you: there is nothing that will make it go away faster. Time, time, time is the ultimate healer when it comes to a broken heart. Here’s a list of things you should be doing while you’re recovering though, in order to come out of this as gracefully as possible:
- Don’t drink too much (see Soft Cell above)
- Keep up with your work or school responsibilities
- Eat healthy food (that carton of ice cream is not your friend)
- Exercise regularly
- Don’t keep up a friendship with the girl (it will just make it harder and drag out the healing process longer)
- Do keep up your other platonic friendships, maintain hobbies and develop new ones.
A final word: if in the next couple of months you still feel consistently sad, or you lose interest in things that you used to make you happy, or you find yourself isolating yourself from friends and family, then what you’re experiencing is not sadness, but depression. It is not uncommon for people who have never had mental health issues to experience situational depression triggered by a loss. Find a therapist who can help you work through your depression in a healthy manner. Take care of yourself, Chris. We’ve all been there. It does get better.
-Beth
Got a question for Beth? Send them to: askawoman@dappered.com
All good advice Beth. Especially the part about don’t try stay friends, at least not immediately, I tried that and it kicked my ass. If there’s even a part of you that wants her back, and it sounds like there is, then staying friends basically feeds that flame oxygen and helps it burn.
I also agree that you can’t rush it and you shouldn’t do anything you’re not into, despite what your friends tell you to do.
However, speaking from relatively recent experience, if your friends are trying to get you out of the house for a few drinks, it might not be such a bad idea, even if just a few quiet ones at the pub with close mates. When I went through a similar situation about a year and a half ago, I resisted going out at all because I was miserable and also I didn’t want to feel pressured to hook up with anyone. But after a while, I went out, set ground rules for my boys (ie don’t try set me up etc), and just started having fun again. It helped.
Anyway mate, good luck with it, you’ll be fine!
Yes, another to agree with not staying friends. I literally cannot break the friendship that I have with my ex, and it kills me. It’s a situation I reccomend to no one.
The last step is to listen to the This American Life breakup episode over and over.
Good post! This is all very good advice.
I’d say midstep, but it is definitely one of their best episodes and a great way to consciously wallow in the grief.
I definitely agree with those six bullet points. All of those are extremely important. My ex and I broke up about 8 months ago and about a month after it when I finally started pulling myself together, I really just focused on exercising regularly, eating healthy, and trying new hobbies. I decided I wasn’t going to let this one girl bring me down and leave me as just a shell of who I used to be. I’m still me and I don’t need a girl by my side to enjoy life.
The funny thing is, the motivation that pushed me to workout several times a week and eat healthier initially all stemmed from her. Basically I knew that if I saw her 6 months down the line, I wanted to look damn good and healthy and maybe make her second guess herself. Also, don’t mistake this as an attempt to get her back, just wanted to kind of make her question her actions several months beforehand. Over time though, I just began to embrace this lifestyle of regular exercise and healthy eating and now I do it solely for me. I feel good in my body and my mind.
Also, if you’re looking for a good break up movie that will (hopefully) make you feel more optimistic in the end, I recommend “500 Days of Summer”. Great flick with Joseph Gordon-Levitt. In addition, pick up some good books. Always a great way to temporarily escape while gaining some new perspective.
Lastly, do something crazy and adrenaline filled! You will feel alive again and it will motivate you to try more new things. I recommend skydiving. Or even cliff jumping as a start. Just be safe, start small, and always do some research if you want to consider a stunt like these.
Take care mate, you’ll get through it.
Las
I have a better way: get used to women treating you like garbage. Hey presto! No dates, no break-ups.
For some perspective, the woman I loved died of cancer 6 months ago at the age of 31. Now that’s some heartbreak I’m dealing with.
In the length of time to get over it, I’d like to reference How I Met Your Mother:
Half the length of the relationship – Lily
One week for every month you were together – Marshall
Exactly 10,000 drinks, however long that takes – Robin
You can’t measure something like this in time; there’s a series of steps- from her bed to the front door. Bam! Out of there. Neeeeext! – Barney
The moment you meet that person who gets you back in the game – Ted
Until that happens, just try to live your life away from her and try new things. My buddy started playing hockey and now has that going for him.
by the way, I like the new “Ask A Woman” graphic
Ha you’re name would be Biff.
Also watch the entirety of Swingers.
condolences.
perspective indeed.
Yes, don’t stay friends, never works. The guy should sort out whether it’s the specific girl he misses or just being in a relationship, period. Probably the latter.
No reason the split cant be amicable – you’re an adult.
And stop saying you’re a “relationship type of guy” or this crap will keep happening to you. You cant have the intention of seriously settling down with every women you like. Every woman you like wont be the same and wont necessarily want the same type of relationship as you. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enjoy their deliciousness of differences. Understand that there is power in vulnerability, throw yourself out there, and go date. Shes one small fish a a massive, massive ocean.
Agreed. All goes well with another great post from Beth.
“No reason the split can’t be amicable – you’re an adult.”
Sure, but we also have no control over the other person.
Regarding your second part, I don’t see how saying you’re a relationship guy means you’re always going to get hurt. That requires a rather large leap of logic.
Butch_Zee, I’m sorry for your loss. My condolences. Stay as strong as is possible.
Depends on the gender, and that’s not a joke line. Example: http://urlybits.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/After-The-Breakup-Men-Vs-Women-610×1049.jpg
don’t be friends! out of sight, out of mind!
Thanks @Loscv29:disqus and @7c440a20781f9e2b16cc878cdff4e3b6:disqus. My point was just that we all go thru some sort of heartbreak/pain. Chris will be alright.
I like the new layout Joe/Beth. Nice to mix it up every now and then
I agree with what many have said here. For me, divorce has been my hurdle. It was the death of my marriage and the loss of half my family that perpetuated the constant state of grief that I’ve been navigating. I agree with what Beth said, in that relationship death can be different from actual death. Ive lost parents and best friends in my thirty years; both provoking what seemed like an eternal state of grief. With time it did get easier, it was a steady upwards curve. For me, trying to move beyond my divorce has been a bigger struggle and I am not certain I will ever return to who I was before. I work as a firefighter and my job takes me inside peoples lives at their most desperate hour. For 9 years my past modus operandi(as many in this job do) was to slough it off and not dwell. Now, I feel. I experience loss with most that I encounter at work on a daily basis. Every time, it reopens the wound that I’ve been desperately trying to close. I’ve made life adjustments and changed certain aspects of my job to be able to help cope until I ultimately figure out who I am now.
What I’m getting at bud is this. If you are in a state that isn’t allowing you to move beyond, then start making changes. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Yes time will help you heal, but also TAKING CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE WILL EMPOWER YOU!!
In the meantime I recommend every bullet point that Beth mentioned above. Most importantly: Lay off the booze! It doesn’t mean that you have some sort of dependency issue. It’s just that alcohol has a funny way of f#$%ing up our thought patterns. Also, set short term goals that are realistic and achievable. As you start hitting these goals, confidence will build and self worth will increase.
We will get to a place of peace. These people and their decisions will no longer have an impact on us. Mostly because we will know, ‘whoops they f#$%ed up.’
My fiancé broke it off without warning and we (well, I) tried to keep up the friendship for a year. Yes, I was pathetic. I woke up one day, pissed as hell at her and finally realizing that I had the right to *not* be her friend anymore, removed all traces of her from Facebook, phone, etc., and moved on. That was about 9 months ago. Still hurts but I’m a lot better than I was then.
What a lovely, thoughtful point of view. Well-said. And although you may not be who you were before, that doesn’t mean you can’t be a better you. Grief/loss/pain can be a refining experience.
Late to the game here, but just in case someone else is still lurking…
I agree that sleeping with someone else is not the way to go; however, I do think that the “explore other people” motivation behind it is something to consider.
My post-breakup tendency is to wallow and withdraw, but that doesn’t get anyone anywhere. Moving forward and doing all of those positive things sound great, but I’ve found it awfully hard to peel myself from my bed/couch/comfort zone when my heart has recently been pulverized.
So back to your friends’ “sleep with someone else suggestion”- don’t do that, but do go out and flirt even if you don’t plan for the flirting to go anywhere. Why? Because realizing that other people find you interesting and cute and- perhaps more importantly- realizing that you can find other people interesting and cute helps SO much.
In my experience, lots of the wallowing comes from thinking that person could have been “the one,” and you’ll never again find someone as wonderful. Meeting new people who have potential- even if you don’t take it any further than that any time soon- helps to shake those wallowing thoughts.
Plus, the confidence boost of other people trying to flirt with you is pretty great.
agree with all those points. spot on.
“Don’t keep up a friendship with the girl (it will just make it harder and drag out the healing process longer)”
that was the hardest point for me to go through with. it took 2 years but finally cut off ties and feeling so much better now
Ben Folds’ “Song for the Dumped” is always the best option.