Ask A Woman: Getting to the bottom of “Why are you so dressed up?”
Ask A Woman: Getting to the bottom of “Why are you so dressed up?”If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. And don’t worry, your identity will be protected too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com
Editor’s Note: Beth is taking a well deserved break this week. So while she’s off with her feet up and a glass of Syrah in each hand, feel free to chew on this old column till next Thursday..
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I frequently get the “Why are you so dressed up?” question. Even if I’m just wearing chino shorts, boat shoes, and a tucked casual oxford. My standard answer: “I’m not.”
– Andrew (via the comments last week)
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Hello faithful readers,
Last week’s comments section was chock-full of interesting observations. I plucked the one from Andrew seen above to write on this week, since it’s especially relevant to my own experience.
I get that question a lot, too. It sounds very accusatory, doesn’t it? WHY are you so dressed up? WHY didn’t you take out the trash? WHY are you standing over Grandma holding a pillow?
It’s an odd question. And I don’t think there’s a perfect response. Even saying, “I’m not,” as Andrew suggests above, invites argument–“Yes, you are, your shirt has buttons!” Plus, you’re probably MORE dressed up than whoever is pointing the finger at you, so it’s a losing battle. This is one explanation for such a question: relativity. If your brother arrives at a family graduation party in old Nikes, basketball shorts, and a t-shirt he got free from his cable provider, and you’re wearing Andrew’s aforementioned chinos, boat shoes, and Oxford shirt, then yes, relative to your brother, you’re dressed up. But it’s not like you’ve arrived in a tux. Your outfit is still appropriate for the occasion.
But relativity is not the only explanation for someone accusing you of having excellent taste. To show this, it will require a bit of leg work here on my end, but anything for you Dappered loyalists. You see, along with my writing, advice-giving, and math skills, I also speak several different languages. Allow me to translate the language of sartorial disparagers:
The Ask a Woman Translatatron 5000 – Patent Pending
I didn’t want to make this column about how we stylish few routinely take abuse from our slovenly-attired peers who secretly envy our good fashion sense. But that feeling passed quickly and now I’m just going to be honest. Unless you’re wearing a tux to a graduation party, or a ball gown to the ball game, when people ask “why are you so dressed up,” what they’re really conveying is a sudden loss of self-confidence about what they themselves chose to wear that day. Maybe they considered wearing a nice pair of pants but changed their mind at the last minute, and then when they saw your styling self walk through the door, they kicked themselves. Maybe they’ve been looking for a tie that precise color for months. Maybe they’ve always admired wingtips but haven’t had the guts to wear them, and your fearless footing has shown them their weakness! Maybe I’m going overboard. Anyway, my point is, such comments are not about you, they’re about the person saying them.
Forgive the stylishly meek. They know not what they do.
-Beth
Got a question for Beth? Send them to: askawoman@dappered.com
Great article Beth. My standard answer now is “I enjoy dressing my best, it helps me be at my best.. Thanks for noticing.”
So what does a stylish gent like myself actually SAY when asked that question? Without coming off as pretentious, of course.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, my response to this is ALWAYS “Look good, feel good, do good.”
Every single time it gets an affirmative nod.
someone once told me to always look like you just came from somewhere or are going somewhere better. haha
The best way to respond is with a heartfelt “Thank you” and leave it at that.
Either “thanks!” if it’s just an honest question, or “I like to look good.” if it’s a more pointed (i.e. accusatory) statement.
I solve these pedestrian questions by simply not allowing the slovenly to interact with me in the first place. Haha, just kidding. Beth is right on. If you’re dressed well enough to be seated for the $30 salmon, but you are NOT at a ball game, etc., it’s probably the questioner’s way of qualifying his/her own attire.
I receive similar questions as well, and simply state that I feel like dressing well is an outward sign of respect to others (especially to women, who in general always put more work and thought in to their appearance than do men, we owe it to return the favor) and that you take the rest of the world seriously enough to dress accordingly. Could this be interpreted as a slight to the free-t-shirt and jeans wearing individual? It could, but maybe you are dong him a favor by getting him to think about it.
Nods from everyone except for grammar nazis 😛
(look good, feel good, do WELL)
I just tell them the truth, which is that I don’t own any “casual” clothes. No shorts, jeans, polo shirts etc. Just not for me. I don’t like the way I look in them.
I usually don’t feel too out of place as I don’t frequent biker bars or pubs.
Honestly, the vast majority of Americans, even those with the means to dress well, are so shabbily dressed that I am amused by what constitutes “dressed up”. As Jesus Quintana said in The Big Lebowski, “Laughable, man!”.
I had family visiting from Italy a few weeks ago and they all said the same thing: The people they saw were poorly dressed and grossly overweight. Hard to argue with that.
Superman may disagree.
On two recent occasions I’ve been asked “Where are you coming from?”, the question assuming that the reason I’m dressed up is because I was just somewhere that required it and I’m too lazy to change. I felt like I had to first change the question back to “Why are you so dressed up?” in order to give a proper response. It’s extra awkward.
I initially tried pointing to where I had been standing a minute prior and saying “Over there,” but the person just clarified the question, insisting to know what dressy event I had just attended, because there is no other conceivable reason why I would be wearing a blazer to someone’s moving away party.
Beth you were getting so close to what the appropriate retort is and then you just left it.
If asked, respond directly “Why aren’t you?” You can then either haughtily walk away, or laugh with the other person at how stupid the question was originally.
…as would real grammar nazis. The quote does not have parallel form — In “do good”, good is acting as a noun (i.e., morally correct actions), unlike the other two clauses. The quote is grammatically correct.
Agreed, a simple “thanks” is ideal. Regardless of the tone, one should never downplay what you’re wearing–“oh this old [article(s) of clothing], it isn’t that nice”–or throw it in their face–“Why aren’t you?” or “I prefer not to look like a slob”. Doing either will simply make the inquiring party feel even less self-confident or more awkward, and makes you sound ungentlemanly.
Not so. You would use the adverb “well” if you were describing HOW you were doing, as in: “How is old Steve anyway?” “He’s doing well.” In this case, though, good is describing WHAT you’re doing as in: “He joined the Peace Corps to go do some good.”
Like some of the other commenters here, I’m looking for a positive, non-judgmental way of responding to this question. If they say that I look good, I agree that a simple “thank you” is often best, but what if they phrase it as the above question?
Why am I so dressed up? I enjoy getting treated as though I own the bank, restaurant, or store that I walk into.
I love that there’s a grammar debate on a style website =P
I’ve started wearing suits to work on occasion and I almost always get that question. I work in a university setting where the standard male uniform is khakis and a polo shirt. I just say that I’m trying to look as nice as possible and that it’s fun for me. My boss may think I’m interviewing — as they say, dress for the job you want, not the job you already have — but I continue to do it.
the guy who asks this question is one of two types:
#1: He’s some guy wearing: scuffed-up black square toed “dress” shoes; black socks; khaki polyester (or some variant) pants (complete with pleats); a “reversible” belt of some sort; a tucked-in, one size too large, sleeves to the elbows (or past!), polo shirt; a white undershirt showing under the polo; and a quartz watch that is probably over 42mm in size and full of chrome.
#2: He’s fat.
I agree. Asking the question in the first place is in generally poor taste and implies that we SHOULD be shabbily dressed unless we have some valid reason for “dressing up”.
Here is a good link for general dressing tips. Occasionally humorous and mostly accurate I would say:
http://www.dba-oracle.com/dress_code.htm
Cool, an article spawned from one of my comments! How exciting.
Beth, I completely agree. Though the person who asks “Why are you so dressed up?” may not know it, they’re asking because, on some psychological level, our appearance causes them to have second thoughts about their own. Perhaps it’s not a bad thing though. Maybe next time, they’ll have those second thoughts before they walk out the door.
You are overanalysing, y’all. It’s an inappropriate question, but imo it is generally a function of how low the style bar is set across the board. People realise that, realise that they are part of that, hence they are quick to assume that a well dressed person has somewhere to go (perhaps), because it is inconceivable that they’d care about how they look for the sake of it. RIght? RIGHT? I would have no problem with this attitude, if it wasn’t more than offset with blatant consumerism in other aspects (giant frapuchinos, expensive leased cars, houses etc.) You can’t give me a hard time about how I dress if you just leased a new car. Or, maybe that’s why you don’t have money for half-decent clothes?
Nothing wrong with a quartz watch. My Seiko Solar will never need a new battery AND keeps better time than a Swiss mechanical ten times its price.
They could be asking why you’re dressed up because you dress the same way for 5 months, then all of a sudden you show up, well… all dressed up. Or maybe they’re asking you why you’re dressed up because the certain situation does not call for being dressed up (“Hey Bob, what’s with the suit? This is a monster truck show!”). I’m just saying, people sometimes have a legitimate curiosity about why you are dressed up. They believe you may have come from somewhere, or are going somewhere, where your current dress is more appropriate. Jumping to the conclusion that they are jealous or hate themselves isn’t the best of moves.
As for when someone asks me this question? “Because I felt like it.”
Hey now, theres nothing wrong with a reversible belt in good taste…
Simple: if you look good, you feel good.
That’s true, but does not include all variables, e.g. the cost of looking good. And I’m not even talking about the financial cost, but the time and effort to find, clean, and maintain good clothing. I like to swag it up as the next guy here, but let’s face it, ironing, brushing, polishing, tailoring etc. is a huge pain in the rear. So unless I get a butler and an unlimited supply of awesome clothes that I can treat like s**t, part of me sympathises with Joe the slob. Not to be confused with the host.
A balance of looking good for a reasonable effort would be nice, hence the need to bring back dress codes and start working on succession plans for dappered.com should Joe gets bored or struck by lightening, hopefully neither.
Shake and Bake! Does that blow your mind? Because *that* just happened!
my response depends on who’s asking. If it’s a guy I just say, “because I wanted to” in a roll off my shoulder sort of way. If it’s cute girl though its “I did it just for you” with a wink and a smile. It makes them laugh and feel special.
I think people do and should worry about being underdressed far more than being overdressed (appropriately).
I usually say something mildly self-deprecating like, “I second guess what to wear to [event] like this, so I tend to get a bit dressed up.”
I’ll sometimes play (partially) dumb and ask, “what do you mean?”
Just say: “Most people, most of the time, judge you by what you’re wearing, and if you care about what people think, you should care about what you wear. Life doesn’t get much simpler than that. Let that sink in for a bit. Have a good one”. It’ll change the person who asked the question way of thinking.
Put it right back on them.
“I was just wondering why are YOU are so underdressed.”
Good god, you took the words right out of my mouth! Hanging out with friends recently over korean bbq, i was asked literally that exact same question because I was wearing a tie. That’s all, just a tie. A long-sleeve button down, and the tie was enough to be asked “where are you coming from dude?” I smiled, perplexed as to why they would even ask that. We’re all out having dinner in downtown, and because I was sporting nothing more than a tie, they were thrown off. This question coming from my buddies who were wearing… you guessed it, a graphic t-shirt and jeans.
My other favorite question I get from co-workers is “You going to church later?” I was wearing a white button down oxford. What have we come to?
Lastly, do any of you gentlemen here on Dappered feel this? Knowing ahead of time (before you even get to where you’re going) that you’ll be asked this useless question, and then in an effort to just avoid such an awkward, pointless discussion, you deliberately “dress down” just to appease your friends?
My canned response is,”Hey,I just wear what’s in my closet!”….that usually elicits a hearty laugh…..
Billy Crystal once had a recurring part as Fernando on Saturday Night Live, who responded to such questions with, “sometimes it’s better to look good than to feel good.” Which begged the question, “oh, you don’t feel well?” To which he would reply, “no, I feel marvelous!” Thus baffling them with non sequitur.
Try this answer: “Don’t worry, you look great.”
Ahahahahahahahahahah
I know I’ll be asked that question, but dress down? Never. It’s totally worth answering it a few times (until they stop asking), as opposed to looking like a slob every time I’m out with friends.
I think in the workplace it’s tough. My peers and my manager don’t care as much – jeans and a button up or polo. My manager’s boss wears slacks and a dress shirt, I wear the same. I;d love to wear chinos with a casual shirt and tie but that would stick out.
At the start of meetings people have gestured for me to sit at the head of the table, and I’ve smiled back and asked “why?”.
I like dressing this way but don’t want to annihilate people I work with. When asked I make offhand comments like “I’m used to dressing this way from my last job” and, “People are nicer when you dress better” *smile*.
Three simple ways to answer this depending on the company.
Appropriate for family/friend outing:-Ask quizzically with a slight shrug of the shoulders, “Why not?”Appropriate for work setting:-Simply “I like dressing up.”Appropriate for any setting without your significant other, preferably in the company of other guys:With a smirk and wink, “Chicks dig it.”
Because you never know who you’re going to meet.
Overdressing for the sake of overdressing is a dbag move akin to rocking rhinestone studded shirts and Ed Hardy gear to everything. You’re a drama whore and you probably list the term “ostentatious” as one of your best qualities. You can be stylish by dressing appropriately for the occasion at hand. Being loud with your clothes doesn’t make you stylish.. it makes you a 16 year old girl desperate for attention.
Truth.
My go to response is ‘sometimes you just have to look better than everyone else’
Family sometimes gives me this question, if I dress up for say, Christmas dinner, or Thanksgiving. My usual response to them is “Hey, I gotta wear it sometime, and what better opportunity to look better than everyone of you?”
for a stranger or acquaintance, the answer is usually “Men SHOULD dress well”
friends don’t really need to ask.
that’s why Fake AP Stylebook exists… for people that just need to nit-pick nonsense.
http://twitter.com/#!/FakeAPStylebook
I agree. Especially for me, being in college, its a way to get a belt that i can wear black or brown and save some money.
I believe the correct response is actually “I’m Rick James bi#ch!” This exclamation can be accompanied by a slap, backhand or forehead punch if desired. You’re welcome.
Exactly, or if you have a group of friends who all seem a dress a certain way (e.g. high school students). If you show up one day dressed much differently than all of them, someone will surely comment. It’s probably not about them being self-conscious or insecure
“Look good, feel good.”
Only response you ever need to give.
Umm…it’s after six, what am I…a farmer?
My favorite response: “I gave a talk/presentation today…”
Inevitable immediate reply: “That’s what you said last time!”
“Why are you so dresses up?”… “YOLO”
I dress better… and I feel a lot better… Is just a matter of self esteem…
hey man thats not cool, im a little overweight.
I always try using clever lines like this with my gf, at which point she scoffs at me & says “well you just look stupid. take off those grandpa shoes [referring to my oxfords/wingtips]”
-___- its a no-win situation lol
I usually reply, “Why not?” I love keeping it classy, or as you all would say, dapper.
Laughed, then cringed.
It’s… almost as if you didn’t read the above article, and decided to post random inflammatory crap… like a 16 year old girl desperate for attention
ANYTHING that happens in high school is usually the result of EVERYONE being self-conscious and/or insecure!
I answered with great success a couple of time: I am going to meet the judge for my probation parole.
NEVER!
dump her….find a winner who appreciates you
I do the same thing!
I wore a v-neck sweater to work the other day with jeans and I got the question all day: “Why are you so dressed up?