Ask A Woman: Handling a compliment from another guy’s girlfriend.
If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. And don’t worry, your identity will be protected too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com
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Beth,
A while back, I took my wife out on a date. Part of that date had us going to the cinema. I was wearing a linen suit and knit tie over a subtly patterned shirt. While we were in the ticket booth queue, another couple on a date lined up behind us. The woman complimented me on dressing up and said she wished more guys would dress up to go out. I don’t know how to feel about this. Her boyfriend was wearing shorts and a t-shirt.
A gentleman shouldn’t make anyone else uncomfortable with what he wears, so I feel bad for breaking the bro code and embarrassing this man. On the other hand, I was elevating my style and raising the bar for what is expected of him when he takes his girlfriend out.
As a woman in good standing, what is your opinion? Should I be proud for showing a better way, or scorned for embarrassing another man?
– Steven
Dear Steven,
Dude…you’re being waaaaay too hard on yourself. It’s great that you dress up to take your wife on a date. I bet she thinks you look dashing, and I bet you feel good wearing a slick ensemble, and I bet keeping the courtship alive does wonders for your marriage. Good for you.
Since I wasn’t there, I don’t know how this other women intended her “compliment.” Was she being genuine and just really liked your suit? Or has she been trying to get her boyfriend to throw away that pair of stained shorts for two years? Obviously, if it’s the former, then I’m sure she wasn’t disparaging her other half, she just wanted to tell you that you looked nice. If it’s the latter, then she gets an A+ in Passive Aggression 101. Either way? Not your fault.
Just don’t go full Donaghy. This clip will never get old.
You should dress for yourself most of all. Then maybe a little bit for the people in your life who appreciate seeing you look nice. But for a stranger, just because he’s another guy? No. And this sort of goes back to a recurring theme in Ask A Woman–we as sartorialists being made to feel bad about looking presentable. I’ve tackled how to respond to the question “Why are you so dressed up?” I’ve answered quandaries about whether you should try to match your friends slothful attire. Here’s the deal: some people don’t care what they put on their body. If you live in the States, change “some” to “many.” I was at the airport last weekend and a group of high school girls were ALL wearing sweatpants that were three sizes too big, black sports bras, and white men’s undershirts. Oh, and a pound of make-up. But unwashed hair. What. the. hell. You take a dollop of shampoo to that rat’s nest, young lady, and find some britches that fit you properly for the love of all that is holy! This trend of not tending to one’s appearance–even hygiene–seems to be spreading (or else I’m getting crotchety in my old age), and the result is that people who do tend to their appearance are made to feel bad for “dressing up. ”
I know, it’s annoying to have to deal with other people’s weirdness about the fact that your sweater doesn’t have marinara stains on it. But–and hear me out on this one–there is something really important about taking care of yourself. I’d like to use the word “spiritual” but since I’ll vomit if one more celebrity says, “No, I don’t go to church, but I consider myself spiritual,” let’s just say it’s…holistic. If we are going to go to the gym and eat fruits and whole grains and use our brains at work or school and get lucky with the foxy person in our lives and balance our chakra during meditation….then dressing and grooming well is one more part of that responsibility to take care of the whole person.
Is it a little vain? Of course. But ever since cave people looked at their reflection in a puddle, we’ve cared about the way we look. So be it. I’m not saying you have to buy designer labels or be a certain size. I’m just talking about spending five minutes deciding what you’re going to wear, and making sure it fits properly, is clean, and that you feel semi-decent in it. Get it from a thrift store, the mall, or the Champs Elysees, I don’t care, but take the time to take care of yourself.
It’s important–I really believe that.
-Beth
Got a question for Beth? Send them to: askawoman@dappered.com
Note: Many thanks to the guys on the Dappered Facebook page for helping a lowly preview text/editor out yesterday. This situation smacks of some bizarro reverse c*ck block. Like some other terms that don’t have equally accurate synonyms, this one might have gone in the preview text, but Christian S. provided “mantagonist”. Had to use it.
Not your fault. The situation was perfectly fine until she decided to compliment you and proceed to compare your outfit to her companion’s. She could have privately suggested this to her partner, but chose instead to involve two strangers and subsequently create an air of embarrassment. She is either insensitive to the effects of her words, or ubsubtly direct.
You may be thinking too much though. Perhaps he was not embarrassed. Perhaps that is the nature of their relationship and his clothing is an ongoing subject of debate between them, in which case, it is still her fault for putting you, a stranger, in an embarrassing situation where you are thinking about such things.
Not your fault.
To be fair, I wouldn’t wear a suit – or anything I really cared about – to the local theatres, for fear of something happening.. like a kid spilling his soda, or (God forbid) some gum on the seat.
Great answer Beth. Also – the airport is just a mess of people looking awful.
“Dude…you’re being waaaaay too hard on yourself. ”
Nailed it with the first sentence.
I think there’s no shame in making another guy feel inadequate in this situation. You’ve taken the time to present yourself well and take your wife out. This other woman notices that and appreciates it (which I’m sure your wife does as well) and she recognizes her date’s lack of effort. Don’t feel bad. Beth is very correct in her assessment of how Americans have gotten lazy when traveling/going to work/going to a wedding and it sounds like she would commend you for keeping the spirit of good attire alive and well. Keep it up.
Solid advice. On a related note, it would be difficult for me to properly express how much I hate the notion of a “bro code.” 1) I hate the word “bro”; and 2) this alleged code is never deployed for any good ends.
The blog didn’t have to continue beyond the first sentence.
I’m not to familiar with the bro code. Where does it mention, “thou shall not out-dress thine neighboring bros”??
One of the best Jack Donaghy lines of all time.
I think part of what Beth is getting at, and part of the problem, is the rise of what Joe has called the “anti-snob.” Bro-dudes in cargo shorts, Senor Frog’s t-shirts, backwards hats, etc. that take pride in not knowing how to dress themselves. It is spreading to women (or girls) per Beth’s example. It is just an unfortunate trend, but it makes those of us that try look that much better.
This is one of my favorite Ask A Woman postings. First, I love that that the poster called it “cinema” instead of movie. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with looking better than the next guy, and if his lady points it out, that’s for them to argue about on the ride home. I don’t mean to say that with malice, but Beth’s point is true–so many people don’t care what clothes they put on. It’s the risk (however small) they take when someone who does comes by and makes them look bad.
On a similar note, I *did* feel a bit uncomfortable when a coworker friend said that she’s mentioned to her husband how he needs to dress better like [Furious Styles]. It got me thinking about how he might interpret how his wife sees another guy. If you know what I’m saying.
Pretty sure it was more the fact that he stole the attention from and partially put down his fellow bro, rather than the fact of being too well dressed itself, it was the fact that it caused the girlfriend put him down.
Beth, you are such an entertaining writer. I’ve been a frequent visitor of Dappered for about a year now and I always get excited to read your posts. Even if the question you’re responding to doesn’t necessarily pertain to me, I will read it anyways and I always find myself laughing out loud. So thank you.
Steven, don’t try to be liked by everyone. Take care of yourself for yourself, not anyone else.
Another woman paid you a compliment, be happy. If it makes another guy feel jealous or threatened – it’s his decision, not yours.
I agree with Beth, that more and more people in the US are going for this slob style. Especially men. It seems most men are completely oblivious to how to dress themselves. I don’t know if it’s due to some fear that paying attention to style is gay or just pure lack of time to invest in learning how to do it properly. It has always puzzled me.
Steven, don’t let anyone coerce your into following them down that path. Your friends will get used to you being dressed well, your wife will be happy you look elegant, and everyone else – let them deal with their own insecurities.
Don’t wear a suit to the movies. Trying too hard…
A little Chesterton seems in order:
“For it cannot be denied that the world lost something finally and most unfortunately about the beginning of the nineteenth centruy. In former times the mass of the people was concevied as mean and commonplace, but only as comparatively mean and commonplace; they were dwarfed and eclipsed by certain high stations and splendid things. But with the Victorian era came a principle which conceived men not as comparatively, but as positively, mean and commonplace. A man of any station was represented as being by nature a dingy and trivial person–a person born, as it were, in a black hat. *It began to be thought that it was ridiculous for a man to wear beautiful garments, instead of it being–as, of course, it is–ridiculous for him to deliberately wear ugly ones.*”
From “A Defence of Heraldry”
I would have said the opposite — that more and more I see guys sharpening up. The slob thing has be around in one way or another literally forever. The 60’s probably mainstreamed it as a social statement. Hell, in the late 80s/early 90s it was totally commonplace for guys to wear sweatpants to school, hat on backwards, ratty PacSun t-shirt. (Or, if you’re less whitebread, baggy pants and an XXXXL T.) Grunge came along…
My point is, I don’t really think it’s new or that the slide is more pronounced. I think that instead a growing number of people are opting for sharpness and becoming more aware of sloppiness. So for that growing number, slovenly appearance shouts out to them.
Yeah. Travel is terrible, but people really don’t seem to understand how to be comfortable without letting it all go to hell.
I’d be interested in hearing the Dapperistas take on how best to respond. A diffident “thank you” is probably the best option but the situation might be able to handle some sport if the couple seems engaging. Depending on how the compliment was delivered, I agree with some of the comments saying that it was rude of her to involve you in the effort to upgrade her mate. It can be a sticky situation when someone implicates you in their personal argument.
Steven,
Beth (and others) are right. not your fault. Move on. My .02, who gives a #$^ if other “Bro” are just bunch of slobs. Kudos to you for proper dressing…it shows respect to yourself and to your spouse. For any complement, my response is always “Thanks, you have a great taste”
…and especially don’t write a letter about it. Trying WAY too hard…
So sad 30 Rock heads off the airwaves this season. That clip, and many others from the show are pure TV gold.
It’s possible that it depends on the location. Large metropolitan areas like NYC or SF probably have higher percentage of well dressed people. But even there, it’s very very rare that I see a man dressed well – in a properly fitted suit or wearing pants of correct length, a tie of good length and width, or even a properly sized shirt. For the most part guys buy clothes that are 1 or 2 sizes too large. At least that’s what I witness every morning, noon and afternoon.
I agree that there’s a growing group of men who want to dress well. Hence, this great site. But we are still a minority.
Not to be harsh, but is this the best there was in the mail bag this week? This week’s entry came across more like a pity party for something truly inconsequential, and the advice was coddling to the tenth degree.
And why are you asking another woman for advice when the woman who should matter most is your wife?
I agree. I wear a nice pair of chinos or slacks and a blazer when I travel and I am easily better dressed than 99% of the people, including many business travelers (who are adorned in dress shirts 2 sizes too big, slacks with pleats, and a cell phone clipped to their belt. I feel that I get better service when traveling if I step it up a bit.
I’ve had friend’s girlfriends compliment my style and say that they wish the other guys in our group would step it up a bit (including their boyfriends). It feels a little awkward but I’ve gotten used to it.
I also think part of it has to do with the obesity issues we have in this country. For most people that are bigger, they think they shouldn’t bother with well-fitting clothes or nice clothes because they fear it will make them look fatter, which is pretty much the exact opposite of what’s true. I know I used to dress in stuff a lot baggier/sloppier when I was fatter and now that I’m something like a Greek statute (not really), I’m more inclined to wear clothes that fit better and show off my pecs, biceps, etc. But anyway, I’m in Florida so nobody dresses up for anything ever primarily because it’s Godawful hot until Thanksgiving.
If there’s any fault here it’s the woman in the other couple for embarrassing her guy in public.
Wearing a suit to the “cinema”? “Ticket booth queue”?
Seriously?
could he be an English gentleman?
A little late respond to this Adam M, but thank you for the kind words.
“so says the guy who can’t be bothered to dress well on a date….”