Ask A Woman: Fit, but thin. Real thin.
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Beth
What’s the true verdict on very thin guys? Ones who clearly exercise and go to the gym/run, but haven’t been looking to really pack on the pounds. Is being 180lbs of muscle the only way to truly have women notice when you walk in a room? I’m 5’9″ and ~125 pounds. I think I look good and I wear clothes that fit, and most people can tell from looking at me that I go to the gym, but clearly I’m many pounds away from ‘buff’, ‘jacked’, or ‘shredded’. Is it worth the attention from the ladies to keep up the gym routine and shove down the protein shakes? Or are slim fitting guys better off than they think?
Thanks,
Hi guy (we accidentally cut your name off the bottom of the email you sent us and we haven’t been able to locate it; it’s probably floating around looking for a cozy Internet place to land even as we speak, so, um, sorry),
I get questions of this nature all the time: “Are women into guys who are ______________?” And the answer is usually the same. Yes.
There are a lot of women out there, and some of them like jacked guys/tall guys/bald guys/hairy guys/thin guys/you-name-it. There is not one standard of beauty for men, there are merely preferences. Just as some men prefer very petite, slender women while others prefer very curvaceous, busty women, and still others prefer athletic, toned women, and still others are more concerned with hair color or facial features than body type, women’s desires in a man run a vast gamut. Certainly, there are women out there whose ideal is a very slender man. And there are even more women out there who don’t come to the table with an expectation for body type but will come to find yours attractive when they’re attracted to the rest of you–face, sense of humor, intelligence, hair.
Just to give you some further insight, my sense is that women are a little more vague about their ideal. (Yes, yes, I know some of you have been burned by women looking for a professional man with a six figure income, height requirement, and perfect abs, but these vultures do not represent women as a whole.) For instance, I knew a girl in college who loved smiley guys. Seriously. She could not resist a guy who smiled a lot, and she went after a whole range of men who looked different in every other sense. The only thing they had in common? Cheshire cat.
When I think back on my own storied past, I’ve dated tall men, short men, ripped men, skinny men, heavy men. What did they have in common? They were all very traditionally masculine–aggressive, sports-watching, hard-headed, take-charge men. (It’s not as archaic as it sounds–I just prefer to be with a guy who’ll spar with me a little, know what I mean? Pushovers need not apply.) It’s been my experience that other women are similar. They want a granola-eating earthy guy or a sensitive poetry-writing guy, but they’re flexible on the package that these guys come in.
So…no need to down protein shakes if you’re happy with your body the way it is. Work your thinness–there are a lot of styles only very slender men can wear, so take advantage! You can wear slimmer-cut pants, suits, and shirts. You can rock a man cardigan. You can probably pull off suspenders or a bow tie. Dress your package–uh, so to speak–in what flatters it most, and then don’t worry about other people’s body types.
-Beth
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Awesome! Pass the glazed doughnuts.
Good advice. There’s somebody out there for everybody. I think being HEALTHY is the big issue whether thin or fat or in between.
As a 125 pounds guy, I approve of this message.
Universally, you know what EVERY woman looks for in a man? Confidence.
I can assure you that if you’re happy with your appearance (and it sounds like you are), other people will be happy with your appearance.
At 6′ and ~145 pounds, I’ve always had a difficult time finding clothes that fit (especially since I have long legs and an odd sized waist). Women, on the other hand, have never really been a problem; lots of women prefer a lean or even rail-thin build.
5 9″ 190 and fit and wish I could wear the skinny guy clothes. Also ladies think I’m a jock when I am more of a bohemian. so good advice, this stuff is all in our heads.
I’m 5’9/160ish, and feel damn skinny. I can’t imagine what 125 is like. Have you tried counting calories to see what you’re taking in every day? Have you had your doctor check your thyroid / testosterone / estrogen levels?
I totally dig skinny nerds. You would be eye candy to me. 🙂
In my experience, most women find that a guy who is in good shape is just a bonus on top of other, more relevant factors – whether he is a good person, whether he is kind, whether he is smart and interesting, whether he shares interests with her, whether he is employed and mature, etc. etc.
Bigger guys might give women a subconscious sense of physical security and protection, but being a stable, well-rounded, confident, accomplished man can also provide women with the sense of security they’re looking for when they’re considering a serious relationship with someone. And the counterbalance to the physical sense of security that bigger guys can give is that big dudes can also be scary as hell to someone who doesn’t have a lot of physical strength him- or herself – if a woman gets even the slightest inkling that a big guy might use his strength against her, that sense of comfort and security will evaporate faster than a drop of gas on hot pavement.
Some women who are bigger might be uncomfortable dating a guy who is significantly skinnier than them (the same way short guys can be uncomfortable dating women significantly taller than them), but I’ve certainly seen plenty of skinny guy/buxom gal couples in my lifetime, too.
Andrew Garfield. Nuff said.
This ^. Confidence can’t be underestimated for more initial impressions, but from there being a stable, mature adult goes a lot further toward attracting stable, mature women.
By all means be aware that you can attract women as a skinny man. And don’t feel bad about yourself for being skinny. But my answer to your actual question, whether it’s worth the effort to put on some muscle: Yes, absolutely. Just do it. (And it’s not just about going to the gym, you have to eat too.)
And don’t listen to anyone who says that’s not “being yourself.” That’s being yourself in exactly the same way that taking the effort to dress well is being yourself.
As an emaciated man, two things:
1. Beth is 100% correct. ‘Women’ don’t care that you’re skinny. Maybe the woman that you’re after does. Too bad for her.
2. Worry more about how you’re going to respond to the people who think you have an eating disorder, think you’re a wuss, are resentful of the fact that you don’t have to ‘watch what you eat’, etc. Pay no attention to insecure people who say ridiculous things like ‘skinny jeans/extra slim fit shirts/blah blah will never fit on REAL men’. We’re one of the last frontiers of criticism, man.
Did you see The Dark Knight Rises? Gary Oldman? Joseph Gordon-Levitt? Who would criticize those dudes? Maybe Oldman wouldn’t pass the ‘do women like dudes who yell too much?’ test.
In the same way that women obsess over the details of their appearance primarily for other WOMEN, men obsess over muscles primarily for other MEN.
That rippling body may tell some women that you’re a good provider, but it tells everyone that you’re blowing 15 hours a week at a gym and spend more than that just thinking about your own body. There’s a point of fitness that’s important for your health, but being shredded will impress more men than women.
I was 5’6″ 115, but over the summer I’ve gained about 8lbs. Hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I’ve thrown up 6 times from overeating/discovered I have a lactose intolerance.
My guess is that the vast majority of skinny guys are in their early 20s. Give it five years or so…your metabolism will eventually catch up.
I spent my teen years and early 20s weighing in around 120-125 (I’m 5’7″). Ate whatever I wanted, drank whatever I wanted, never went to the gym, couldn’t gain a pound. Suddenly I hit 25 and was psyched when I got up to 135 and started “filling out”.
Then I KEPT filling out. Before I knew it I was up to 160 lbs.
Now, at 33, after a year of calorie counting and an hour at the gym four days a week, I’m down to just under 135 and loving life.
tl;dr – don’t worry about being skinny, it probably won’t last
Yeah, I’m in much the same boat as you, no-name-email guy. 6′ 150 lbs. soaking wet. I asked myself a very similar question after a year of working out (now at a whopping 155)– I’m gonna be super skinny either way, why bother? The answer came to me quickly, cause you feel better, which makes you more confident, which, as above, is half the battle. Also, combined with wearing well-fitting clothes, it does make a difference in how you look. Keep at it and be glad you don’t have the opposite problem.
so for all the possible examples of “curvaceous, busty women” you chose to hyperlink to pics of America freakin Ferrera?
SERIOUSLY??!?!
I’m 6’2″ 155 so I feel you on being thin. Embrace it. You know you are healthy and fit, so use that as self-esteem and confidence and once you exude that, the right women (or women, hey hey!) will come along!
Up to a point, (and one that isn’t commonly achieved) more muscle is conducive to being healthy. I would personally feel safe offering a generalization that nearly all people would be healthier and look better with more muscle, women included. I get a little annoyed when people who lift weights get painted with the self-absorbed narcissist stereotype. Some do it to look jacked, some for female attention, some for health, some for a sense of accomplishment. Does it really matter? If they are doing it right, they are doing something good for themselves that most are too lazy to do. This even includes curl-obsessed bodybuilders, though god knows how much I mock them…
Scrawny guys are weaker than muscular guys and this is a general life impediment, though personal circumstances will determine to what extent this is true. Of course, we should love ourselves for who we are, but that philosophy falls short if it gets in the way of self-improvement. If you feel you are better off skinny, stay that way. If you wish you were stronger, learn how to make yourself stronger.
For anyone who wants to put on muscle, look up Starting Strength. It is a book, but there is tons of info on it online, too.
I think the why people exercise is the most important. For various health reasons I absolutely need to exercise on a routine basis, it keeps me calm and planted plus I feel better. (Just to throw it out – http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/ exercise plans for the thinking man)
I’m 6’1″ ~195lbs, I’m not fat by any means. Biggest thing we need to do is either be comfortable with who we area or decide who we want to be and start working towards it.
When I was a younger, skinny 140 lbs, it was my confidence and friendliness that got me dates. Never underestimate the power of charm. 🙂
I thought only women and teenagers worried about such things. 🙂
Girls like boys, mostly. (some like girls, which is hot). Girls like all shapes and sizes, just like boys do.
One little hint – confidence is far more important than pretty much anything else
5’9″ 125 pounds…have you ever considered taking up cycling? You could make an excellent hill climber. Get yourself a bike and the attitude and confidence will follow, soon you will be sneering at muscle laden fellas and ladies dig confidence.
5’9″ and 128 lb. here. Have an amazing girlfriend who totally digs my size. It seems that there is a subset of women who appreciate the narrower set of men. It also helps if you can gain enough muscle definition that you don’t look “skinny”, just “small” or perhaps “narrow”. Think marathon runner, not famine survivor.
Most of the girls who are interested in me are each some form of health nut. Skinny can look gaunt or healthy, but if you look healthy, you’ll have no problem.
First, I agree that confidence (not cockiness) is all your really need in terms of attractiveness. I’ve met David Beckham and dude its girlie skinny, yet ladies love the guy.
That said, I’ve had one of more girl-friends say their only issue with a guys’ build (skinny or just out of shape) is security. Just something about a bigger person to protect them in a crowded subway or at a concert, etc. But again, the right amount of confidence can probably win that battle too.
Um, at 5’9″ and 125 pounds, this guy is a really good weight for his height. I don’t know what he’s worried about, almost to the point where it sounds like a humblebrag!
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