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If you missed last week, this is Part Deux of a two-part series on alternative neckwear. Here’s what we’ve already established: Richard is going to let me call him Rich, I’m going to let Rich wear bow ties, Rich wants to marry me, I want chocolate-covered toffee to have the same nutritional value as broccoli, and our fearless Dappered leader thinks I’m nuts for trying to write an entire column this week on ascots. Sounds like a dare.
Here’s what I discovered this week while noodling around on the Internet. People seem to have different ideas of what constitutes an ascot. When I think ascot, I think of a wide tie whose end is tucked into the vest of a three-piece suit or into a dress shirt, with the very top of the tie being sort of voluminous and billowing around the neck. However, I found pictures of just wide ties labeled as ascots, and neck scarfs labeled as ascots. I’m pretty sure my original conception of the ascot is the truest… but maybe that’s just because I’m in my own head.
The ascot is a delicate affair, much like the dandy bow tie. It can go wrong in a hurry. Here are some scary examples: porn industry titan, vampire avatar, half-assed ascot overwhelmed by thick neck, oversized lapel, and limp Oxford shirt. What have we learned here? You don’t want too much tie, too little tie, or the desire to drink other people’s blood. But, the opportunities to look like you belong on the set of a Bond film are ample: Colin Farrell burning up my computer screen in black and white checks, the Piv (who I normally think is a douche canoe, but I’ll give credit where credit is due) rocking navy blue, Peter Dinklage managing the mean feat of wearing the ascot casually.
Guys, interested in tackling the ascot yourself? Here are a couple diagrams of how to tie one, and a couple options for basic ascots. I’m going to recommend sticking to patterned ascots, as opposed to solid colors. Something about that solid color ascot screams creeper to me. Remember in the movie Striptease when Burt Reynolds’ character the congressman coats his entire body in Vaseline? Yeah. I bet he’d be the sort to wear a solid-colored ascot.
From petroleum products to marriage proposals…Rich, it’s just hanging out there; I have to address it.
“If you live in the NYC metropolitan area or ever come around on vacation, will you marry me? No? Then maybe we can start small, and I can take you out one night? You seem like a fun date.”
You love me and want me for your own. I know, Rich, I know. I have good news and bad news. Good news–I am definitely a fun date. Bad news–I’m going to decline your offer. How ’bout this? When Dappered has reached massive, universe-wide popularity and Matt Lauer is trying to get us on the Today Show and all the contributors are being sent across the country for meet and greets, you can come out and see me. I’ll buy you a drink.
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