Compliment Taking Strategies – For when someone takes notice
Originally Published 4/5/11 Top Photo Credit
Her: You’re horrible at taking a compliment.
Me: Thanks!
Her: SEE? Why don’t you JUST DO THAT??
It’s honestly not that easy. In the eyes of many you probably dress “up” more. Whatever that means. And every so often someone tells you that they like your shoes, your blazer, or something else. Maybe they even go as far as to ask why you’re dressed “so nice all the time.”
And then it’s up to you to not sound like a dopey materialistic narcissist who gets dressed every morning in the hopes that someone throws a compliment your way that day. You only do it because it makes you feel your best and at ease. But sometimes genuine, nice compliments happen, and usually they’re one of these two types:
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The WHY compliments – “So why are you dressed all nice all the time???“
You have to know how to handle these. One wrong verbal move and all of a sudden you’re that guy. Don’t say you do it because you want to dress professionally. Worse is saying you want to dress like a grown up. That sounds like you view and judge others who don’t dress completely like you poorly. It’s not about others. Stick with the truth about how it makes you feel comfortable. The person asking that question probably isn’t, so don’t make it worse.
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The WHAT / Item specific compliments – “I really like your sportcoat!“
These aren’t so easy. Some would say a simple thanks is sufficient. But then there’s the inevitable awkward pause after your thanks, when the other person is just standing there looking at you. Self deprecation can be a good move (when someone comments on my favorite trench, I always call it my Inspector Gadget coat), throwing a compliment back in their direction can also work, or a red herring like “I stole it” can be a good way to get out too.
How do you handle compliments? Do you take a small amount of enjoyment from them? Or are you like many who would sometimes (if not all the time) prefer not to receive them? Leave it all in the comments section below.
Good tips. I totally agree that sometimes it’s hard to come off appreciative (appropriately so) without pigeon-holing yourself as “that guy”. I agree that mild self-deprecation works quite well, but only if it’s in your personality generally though.
Cheers,
Ben
This is something my girlfriend “yells” at me for all the time. And the funny thing is, she is used to the way I dress so its not even her complementing me. Its her friends that say things about the way I dress to me, and I always kinda just either ignore it or try and play it off like i have no idea what they are talking about. I completely agree with the idea that I dress “nicer” than your average fellow because it makes me feel more at ease knowing that I am presenting myself in a way I want other people to see me (and hopefully the way they want to see me too). In my mind it really boils down to the idea that there are certain things that men should know how to do: change a car tire, grill a steak (or anything for that matter), and dress themselves properly.
NOTE: Obviously this list at the end of my rant is not exhaustive, of course there are many other things men should know how to do, but those are just the few that came to my mind.
And while I whole-heartedly agree, its this “list formation” of things necessary-to-be-considered-male that some people take offense to, and see as a judgment. As if by not possessing these qualities, some people can’t be considered a male human. Of course, they’re reading too much between the lines, since I highly doubt you would judge a man based on his abilities and interests, but the fact is, it COMES OFF that way.
What a paradox, someone gives you a compliment and sometimes ends up thinking LESS of you.
This has been a problem for me recently. Within the past six months I completely overhauled my look and now I get the old “why are you so dressed up”? all the time. I usually ignore it because I don’t want to come across as a jerk. Thanks for the tips.
Thanks. I like it too. or
Yeah thanks. It is a nice sportscoat.
It depends on the tone of the reply.
I have also found if someone compliments you on something you are wearing you can say thanks and then ask them a question back or make a related comment. Using the sport jacket example: Thanks, where did you get your favorite sport jacket? -or- Thanks, I wish I could find another one in the color (fill in the blank).
I have one herringbone coat that gets a compliment literally every time I wear it. I always say thank you very much, then say “its a really unique pattern, isn’t it?” It’s humble enough (I think) that I’m not bragging, but also not killing things with a “DURRR TANK YEW!”
As far as the “why are you so dressed up” compliment, I usually follow up with “look good, feel good, do good!”
Always deflection for me. Two old standbys:
Not Me: Wow, you look nice today!
Me: Thanks. I *am* nice today!
Not Me: Why are you all dressed up?
Me: Well, I had all these nice clothes just lying around. I figured I might as well wear some of them.
Instead of saying “I stole it” I usually either say “thanx it was my grandmother’s” or “thanx I bought it from Old Navy”. The Old Navy one is cool cause they usually run to Old Navy and try to find that article of clothing ((even though it will be really Hugo Boss or Burberry) and they tell me later “Old Navy didn’t carry that” then I say “I guess they sold out”
Cool post!
My strategies.
The ‘why?’ question: I say I like clothing and I like to try to look good. Everyone seems satisfied with that, and I don’t come off as too satisfied.
The ‘I like your X’ comments: I say thank you. I seldom return compliments (though I compliment people often) because I don’t want it to seem like an insincere ‘oh you too’ sort of deal.
Embrace being “that guy” !!
I don’t know why, but I have a tendency of getting a bit flustered and saying, “It is laundry day and it’s all I had left in the closet”.
I’ve used this a LOT.
My response depends on the nature of the original delivery. A sincere compliment will be returned in kind by telling the other person that he or she looks great. Few things are as nice as making others feel great about themselves.
If the delivery was patronizing, then my response will be more assertive: “If my options are looking like you vs looking like me, then I’ll stick to looking like me.” I laugh and say it in a joking manner, but with that slight edge of “keep it to yourself next time”.
i do the same thing except i usually say goodwill and say it was a lucky find
I’ve responded before by commenting on how long I’ve owned it. ie. “Thanks its new” or “Thanks, I’ve had this years. It’s one of my favourites)
If I’ve worn it a bit, but not too long, then I’m stumped.
I just say “Thanks, it’s a rental.”
First, I try not to “read into” compliments and just take them at face value. Much easier for me and potentially frustrating for the giver if they are meant otherwise. This makes the “What” response simple, a smile and a sincere thank you, if I notice something noteworthy to compliment I’ll mention it, but only if I really mean it.
For “Why” responses context matters. If it’s at work I suggest to always dress like you’re interviewing and that way they’ll never know if you are (I’m a corporate recruiter, this is genuinely good advice). At play I give the cheesy (but true) “I do what I can for the ladies.” and it usually gets a laugh.
This is a great issue to address, but I really disagree with some of the suggestions. If one puts serious thought into looking presentable, making a self-deprecating comment is just diminishing and invalidating the effort. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, even though we might stand out. Same goes for deflecting. It sounds like it’s coming from anxiety and a need to avoid attention, but the act of dressing well commands attention. Sincere compliments aren’t currency. Just because someone compliments you doesn’t mean you owe them one in reciprocity (if there is something you would sincerely compliment them on, that’s another story).
How about owning up to the fact that you look good and put effort into it and responding, “Thanks, I appreciate it, [and you might add] especially coming from you.”
As I learn more about shoes, watches, suits, etc. I find myself noticing details on others’ clothing and really appreciating subtle things that most people would be oblivious to. I’m still working on how to give a compliment- not couched in anything, no segue, just a blatant, explicit “That’s really cool how you did colored buttonholes” or somesuch.
I like the “look good, feel good, do good” so maybe I should stop saying “thanks, I made it myself”
“Because if I wasn’t, I’d be naked.”
A friend of mine happened to just share a great quote that nicely reflects my thoughts about this:
“…There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around us…And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same…” -Marianne Williamson http://bit.ly/f7WTHT
It’s funny that I saw this because I’m faced with this situation all of the time. I just say “this is the way that I dress” and we usually talk about something else. Sad thing is, I get it from my wife half of the time..lol
“Thanks for saying so” would cover both examples. No need for an awkward silence. What WERE you talking about? What were you GOING to talk about? You can always say, “You, too!” Is this supposed awkwardness about the compliment or about not being able to make small talk, period?
I usually just respond, “Why are you dressed like a slob all the time?”
Or, “Thanks, I like your Crocs. They compliment your sweatpants well.”
When you suggested the “I stole it,” response, I pictured an awkward deadpan delivery and then fleeing from the witness that made the compliment.
I really like the “I stole it” response. So simple and funny, smile guaranteed I bet! I’m so smitten by this site and the people who visit here! Can’t believe I’ve only now stumbled upon it.
This is a good post, and I’m glad it got bumped. Good advice for any material compliment really, not just clothing.
Smartest comment in the thread; agreed with everything you said.
My own view: there are two types of compliments: sincere compliments and insincere ones. (A) People who give sincere compliments usually expect one and only one thing: seeing an appreciative reaction to the compliment — not some smart-alecky comeback. (B) People who give insincere compliments, on the other hand, are not really worth your time, and it doesn’t matter *that* much how you respond as long as no one else is watching (they already think you’re a jerk, and there is little you can do with one sentence to change that) and as long as you don’t blatantly insult them.
So I only do what (A) people expect, regardless who I am dealing with (telling a difference between a sincere and insincere compliment can be difficult at times).
This is exactly what I was thinking reading the other comments! Don’t apologize or be embarrassed for dressing better! Don’t give people the idea that it wasn’t on purpose! As for those of you guys who have just recently started improving your style, people will get used to it, so be consistent and don’t shy away from dressing better just because people think it’s a special occasion when you dress nice. Eventually they will realize it’s just your style.
Also, don’t say “I got it at Goodwill”, even if you did. Talking about the price at all is just in poor taste. If it was a good deal or if it was expensive, it sounds like you’re bragging either way. I will never divulge the price or where I purchased my clothing unless specifically asked. And even when they do ask, I try to avoid it by saying something like “yeah, it was kind of expensive”(with a guilty look on my face) or “I got a good deal on it”.
Another thing I think should be addressed is when people give you a hard time about being overdressed (even when you’re not). Does this happen to anyone else? I think I know the line between well-dressed and overdressed, so I usually just try to defend myself (e.g., “loafers are actually a casual shoe” or “chinos are actually casual pants” etc.) I just console myself with the fact that most people – especially guys – think anything other than sweats and a hoodie is “dressed up” My younger (21yo.) brother refuses to wear his Sperry boat shoes on a regular basis because he feels they are “too dressy”!
I had a lady friend invite me to a football game at her college and she told me “wear some jeans OK? you don’t have to dress up”(she knows I always dress well). If she hadn’t told me so, I would have probably worn some chinos and a polo (not overdressed in my book), but instead I wore jeans and a school T-shirt and felt like just another frat bro (although they were slim, dark jeans paired with some desert boots).
Sorry for the rant
Putting all that effort into dressing well is good so it pays off knowing how to handle a compliment.
It’s harder than you think to just take the compliment and shut up about it afterward especially if fashion is a hobby of yours. It’s one of mine. So unfortunately cross over that line and trend into fashion geekdom from time to time. But after reading this post about five months ago i’ve been aware of these compliments and how I answer them. Thanks Dappered.
Christopher
The-approach.org
“Thanks, I made it myself” is always my go-to line. But people have come to expect me to say it, so I need to change things up a bit. This discussion has been helpful.
its a pity that our standards when it comes to clothes has fallen so low that a post like this becomes so useful for the few that dress decently. I agree with the folks here who said that there should not be any shame in looking good. I notice people who compliment others a lot tend to be poorly dressed but want to look better so i follow up a thank you with “i bought it from abc company on sale”. Screw them if they think i am materialistic. We live in North America!!!!
the thing I have to avoid doing is the reactive compliment back; “thanks, I really like your _____.” That certainly does not mean one should never do this, but, it looks silly and insincere when you are complimenting a piece of clothing which is wholly unremarkable (especially have to watch this with ties..). Generally, a sincere “thank you very much, I really appreciate that,” is what works best for me…
Unless the person seems to want to discuss it (where do you get shoes like that?), a simple, “Thank you; you are very kind,” is appropriate and non-aggrandizing.
I’ve, on occasion, stolen a line from television’s “Cheers.” Somebody asked Sam why he was wearing a tuxedo. He responded, “Why does Superman wear a cape?”
My standard response for ties is simple: “Thanks; it’s one of my favorites.”
It fills the space a simple “thank you” leaves and agrees without being smug.
I never got a compliment about anything I wore until the last 2 years when I guess I made a dramatic change and got rid of all my old clothes. Now I frequently get compliments. They make me feel good and encourage me. Sometimes women are too shy to compliment but they do a double take or check out my shoes. To me that’s a great compliment as well and very motivating. This article comes in handy since now I know a few things I can say.
I think you’re all reading into this a little too much…smile & say thanks
funny,witty and true. irrefutable answer!
“dress well, do well, live well”
“how to give a compliment”
1. dont tell anybody what you like, unless you tell them why you like it. use the word “because”
2. when you use a persons name. people will listen intently to the sentence that follows
3. asking an open ended questions allows you to re direct the conversation and doesn’t allow the person to reject the compliment
Start with subjects name-
tell what you like & why you like it
ask open ended question after you give compliment
“Hi allen, i like that orange tie, it really compliments you! what made you pick that tie?