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Some guys swear by their Mach 3. For them it’s clean shaven or nothing.
But for many others, the thought of having totally clean shaven skin every day is an awful thing. And I’m a proud member of that group. The only way you’ll get me to shave my stubble is if I’m headed to your wedding (congrats!) or your funeral (my condolences). And sometimes I won’t even shave for a wedding. My sandpaper face is what I’m comfortable in, and so far, no complaints from the women in my life.
But some guys stick to their facial follicle guns, even if their choice of face-hair is terrible. Maybe the women in their life just can’t bring themselves to tell their men that they look terrible. Good thing there’s Askmen.com to do that. Here’s their six styles of facial hair women hate, their alternatives, and suggestions from us at Dappered.
Worked for Abe Lincoln. Whom you are not.
1. The Chin Strap
AM Alternative Suggestion:Balbo (Think Robert Downey Jr. Or a Musketeer) Dappered.com Alternative Suggestion:Full Beard
Full Disclosure… I rocked an Amish beard back in the day. It was a full beard, no razor sharp lines or anything, just shaved my upper lip. I was also single during that entire period. I don’t think it was a coincidence. If you’re going to commit to an Amish beard / Chin Strap, go all the way and grow the stache. Keep it from getting too out of control and it’ll look balanced. (See George Clooney) .
Armpit+chin=this
2. Landing Strips (AKA The Soul Patch)
AM Alternative Suggestion: Clean Shaven Dappered.com Alternative Suggestion: Stubble.
Never been a fan of the Soul Patch. It seems to blend in on some guys, but it never really adds to their look. Whatever you do, don’t call too much attention to it or make it your trademark look (Talking to you Apollo). A guy with a soul patch wants some sort of facial hair, but wants it in control. Why not a two or three day beard? .
AM Alternative Suggestion:Balbo (They really like that look, don’t they…) Dappered.com Alternative Suggestion: Thin and trim? Ditch it. Long and Bushy? Keep it on.
Morgan Spurlock dragged The Fu straight out of the 19th century when he re-popularized it in Super Size me. Here’s how you test if you should keep this type of facial hair. If you put on a black Stetson and cow coat, would you resemble Sam Elliot in Tombstone? If not, ditch it. You won’t look urban, at all, with one of these. But there’s something strangely cool about them. .
Believe it or not pal, you don't look that great.
4. Mutton Chops
AM Alternative Suggestion: Short Sideburns Dappered.com Alternative Suggestion: Short Sideburns / Clean Shaven.
This might seem hypocritical to dislike Mutton Chops after proclaiming a long bushy Fu/Horseshoe as “strangely cool,” but Mutton Chops are just an attention getter. The Tombstone Moustache is tough. Mutton Chops belong on a bloated looking aristocrat or annoying hipster. Both of which I’m guessing you’d rather not resemble. Mutton Chops wearers deserve a facial hair time out. Shave your face. .
How to do a long beard wrong, and right.
5. The Lumberjack
AM Alternative Suggestion: Five o’clock shadow Dappered.com Alternative Suggestion: The Satan.
Let’s be totally honest. If you’ve got a lumberjack-length beard, you’re probably already half-crazy. Look at Zach Galifianakis. But the same length all around adds too much roundness to your face. “The Satan” allows you to keep (some of) the length but still tighten up your look. James Hetfield sported one of these for awhile.
Still substantial beard on the sides and stache, but cropped a little closer. Blend that in to a long goatee that cascades down front. Keep yourself in shape, be a nice guy, and the ladies will love the bad boy looks / nice personality combo.
Former Gonzaga Star Adam Morrison. Lookin' awful.
6. The Half Moustache (AKA, growing out just a moustache)
AM Alternative Suggestion: Clean-Shaven Dappered.com Alternative Suggestion: Go camping for two weeks
AskMen makes a good point here. If you’re just growing a moustache, there will inevitably be that awkward period inbetween if you shave the sides of your face and just grow out the hair on your upper lip. Step 1: Don’t grow just a plain old cop’ stache. Step 2: Grow a beard (maybe go sleep in the woods for a bit?) then shave it down once the whiskers have come in.
