Love in the Time of Social Media

A facebook message.  Fair?  Or cholera for your chances?
You're hovering a bit there bucko.Ask A Woman: Friend request or personal connection?

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Hey Beth,

I met this girl at a party through an introduction from my cousin. I wasn’t totally drunk when we met but my alcohol level progressed with the night. I was wondering if it’s okay for me to contact her again through Facebook, (even though she hasn’t sent me a friend request or anything), or should I ask my cousin who introduced us to get us back in contact?

I know it sounds stupid, but your help would be appreciated.

– Mark


Hi Mark,

Stupid? This doesn’t sound stupid at all. You’re understandably nervous about approaching an interesting woman to see if there is a possibility for romance. Good for you Mark, you are showing courage and a positive attitude. I salute you.

You’re going to need to depend on a bit of your own discretion for this one, Mark. “I wasn’t totally drunk when we met but my alcohol level progressed with the night.” What does this mean? That you were tipsy and a bit flirty with her? That you can’t remember what you may have said to her? That you ended up going streaking through the quad?

If you behaved appropriately that night, then either method of contacting your lovely lady works. If you decide on Facebook, make sure you send a note along with a friend request–“Hi, this is Mark, we met at so and so’s party, my cousin is Marvin O’Gravel Balloon Face and he introduced us. I was wondering if you’d like to grab coffee sometime this week.” If you had an in-depth conversation about a particular topic, you can reference that to jog her memory. Sending a message is really important–you want to be upfront and clear about your intentions. Sending a simple friend request does nothing, and if she can’t place your face right off the bat, she may not accept.

Asking your cousin to reconnect you is completely appropriate as well…assuming your cousin is a stand-up guy who’s got skillz. That is, he’s going to say positive things about you to this woman, but he’s not going to be a doofus about it. “Yeah, Mark’s a great guy, it’s about time he got laid.” No. Go. If you can trust him, ask that he contact this woman, convey your interest, briefly, and ask if she’s okay with you having her number. Do not tell him to give her your number. This is your serve so you should really be the one contacting her.

If you were sloppy drunk the night you met her, I’d advise against Facebook, and I’d recommend asking your cousin to go beyond simply passing on her phone number, and arrange an occasion where you could talk again, face to face, this time sober. A dinner party, a happy hour (you don’t need to get plastered), a sporting event, bowling, or something along those lines. That way you have a chance to reconnect in a casual way, and behave as you normally do. At that point you can ask for her phone number and see how it goes.


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