What are you going to wear? Or in this case, what is HE gonna wear? First the Dad Bod gained acceptance. And then Norm Core took hold. Now? It appears that even brands like UNIQLO are jumping on the Papa-Power bandwagon. Here we have a complete, ultimate, warm weather Dad outfit. Prepare your puns, and load up that fanny pack.
The Shirt: UNIQLO Cotton/Rayon Relaxed Fit Open Collar Short Sleeve Button Down – $29.90. Because the company doesn’t pay Tommy Bahama money. Goddamned ageists. Thirty years. I’VE GIVEN THEM THIRTY GODDAMNED YEARS. Says relaxed fit, but still… why not size up to be safe?
The Shorts: UNIQLO Elastic Waist Pleated Shorts – $29.90. Comfortable waist and sensible pleats. Hey, have I ever told you about the size of the Muskie I caught in 1984 on Lac Vieux Desert? Just down the road from Land o’ Lakes. Shoulda had that monster mounted.
The Socks: Wigwam Super 60 Crew Athletic Socks – $10.99. Have you ever sunburned your feet? G. Rover CRIPES it hurts!
The Watch: Casio Alarm Chrono in Gold – $47.68. Looks especially handsome with all of that dark, coarse arm and wrist hair crawling up through the links.
The Hat: Outdoor Boonie Sun Hat – $11.95. Because a sunburned bald spot is worse than sunburned feet.
The Sunglasses: Tac Glasses – $19.68. Can Maui Jims survive being frozen in a block of ice and then being run over by a humvee? Didn’t think so.
The Fanny Pack: Mossimo Nylon Fanny Pack – $12.99. Sure. Make fun now. But you’ll be damn glad that I remembered to pack the bug spray, beef jerky, roll of quarters, gum, tac-light, ear plugs, roll of wire, emergency flares…
The Beer: Miller High Life. Craft beer is for Millennials, Hipsters ruined Pabst Blue Ribbon, and Old Style gives me enough gas that your mother makes me sleep on the couch. Perfect for a hot day of washing the lawn furniture and taking the storm windows off the house.