Commandments? Look, there are always exceptions to any rule… but it’s going to be real tough to come up with a valid reason for violating some of these. On the one hand, you shouldn’t think too much about what you’re going to wear to the gym. You’re there to work out. Function first. Yet on the other hand, there are a lot of unfortunate gym-style choices happening out there. Originally published in 2011, but a refresh/reminder was overdue.
I. Thou shalt not expose thy shameful nipples.
A t-shirt that has been cut to remove 86% of it’s original fabric does not = a tank top. It’s a gut bib. And some of those spaghetti straps are thinner than shoelaces. You wanna go sleeveless? Fine. Guns out bro. But please keep the prying eyes of Dr. TJ Pectalberg underwraps.
II. Thou Shalt Not Wear Cologne
A lot of us would rather smell the previous users body odor when getting on a piece of equipment or a bench. Body odor at the gym? Unfortunate, but it happens. It’s almost expected. Cologne is a choice. An active, “Imma gonna project my existence onto others” choice. And it can be distracting to others around you.
III. Thou Shalt Obtain a decent Gym Bag… and LEAVE IT IN THE LOCKER ROOM
Or leave it in your car. Just don’t drag your luggage around the floor with you. There’s enough to step around and avoid tripping over, let alone all the straps hanging off your hockey bag from high school. And if you use that bag to “save” a place on a bench, at a rack, or on a machine, while you’re off using something else at your leisure? Don’t be surprised if you come back to it 15 minutes later, to find a surprise waiting inside for you. (Shown above: The Blue Claw gym bag included in a previous Bespoke Post Box. Fingers crossed it comes back)
IV. Thou Shalt Not Wear Garments w/ Asset Attention Seeking Verbiage
Goes for the fellas too. Are you SURE it’s really okay to stare? Like, how about I follow you around the floor, and when you start your deadlifts I take a seat on an upright bench, about 18 inches from your caboose and start whistling the Star Spangled Banner?
V. Thou shalt not wear excessively uncomfortable looking clothes.
This commandment is certainly more lax for those who are over the age of 70. Comin’ in to use the lat machine and you’re 82 years old? You wear whatever you damn well please. And that includes pleated jeans. But if you’re not a card carrying member of AARP, and you’re hitting the gym in jorts and clunky work boots… boy… how is chafing not an issue?
VI. Thou Shalt Not Accessorize at the gym.
Especially if you’re wearing one of those stringer tank tops. One of those + a leather choker style necklace + a stainless steel watch = how the hell are you comfortable wearing all that?
VII. Thou shalt not wear bike shorts… unless using a cycling apparatus.
If you’re going to power through a spin class, then by all means. But if you’re thrusting your Lycra clad package skyward with every decline bench press rep, you might want to consider wearing something with a bit more slack to the gym.
VIII. Thou shalt wear thoust big headphones, as long as thou are NOT singing along
Got a pair of enormous studio-monitor, noise cancelling headphones? Awesome. Rock on man. But are you sure you’re not so immersed in the music that you might be singing along? Out loud? Are you REALLY sure? Because some of you are singing along, and very much so out loud. Takes a bit of the edge off all those tats when you hear a dude half-hum half-mumble “this is… the part when I break freeeeeeeee”
IX. Thou shalt not wear sunglasses in the gym, even if they have an mp3 player
It’s 5:15 AM, you’re indoors, and you’re wearing sunglasses. That’s just creepy… brah.
X. Thou shalt especially not wear sunglasses… with an altitude training mask
The f*ck Bane. C’mon.