Ask A Woman: The dos and don’ts of compromise.
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Compromise is the bedrock of a solid relationship. Ugh, do I sound like a radio shrink or what? Well, it’s true. Anyone who ever dated while in their teens knows that it’s not possible to get your way all the time and still maintain a healthy relationship. First of all, good luck finding some poor schmuck who’s going to let you steamroll them. Second of all, even if you do find someone willing to be so self-sacrificial, you’re entering into a seriously dysfunctional relationship. No one should get everything they want. It makes you an asshole. Two words: Justin Bieber. Two more words: Charlie Sheen. All tiger blood and no concession makes Charlie a big douche.
So we’re all agreed that you have to give a little in relationships. Super. But how much? And on what? How do you maintain your independence and selfhood while still being a good partner?
Don’t compromise your core values
I’ve talked in this space before about how sharing core values is essential to longevity in a relationship. Core values are those tenets that you use to live your life, to frame your thinking, to define who you are. For some people it might be following Christian or Jewish or Muslim doctrine. For others it could be participation in a social movement—supporting social justice issues like gay marriage or combating poverty. Maybe politics (and the underlying belief system of the party you support) are a huge part of your life. Even something like green living—committing to only eating organic and vegetarian food, buying products that are made sustainably, and so forth. The easy way to avoid compromising these values, of course, is to find someone who shares them. But if you happen to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t, then it’s important to make sure you’re not abandoning them just because your partner doesn’t share them. You may go to a rom-com that your lady wants to see, you may agree to do the dishes when it’s not your turn, you may say yes to your boyfriend wanting a second cat, but you’re not going to stop going to Bible study or donating money to the Sierra Club.
Do compromise how you spend your time
When you pair up, you automatically cut your free time drastically. Not only are you going to be spending a lot of time with your other half, you’re going to be incorporating large chunks of her life into yours. You have to make time to hang out with her friends (just as she needs to make time to hang out with your friends). Yeah, you could both designate nights where you part ways and see your friends alone but there’s real benefit to spending time in each others’ circles. Getting to know your man’s friends is only going to help you. If they know you and like you, they’ll be so much more likely to support the two of you as a couple, which not only helps your relationship, but strengthens your friendships as well.
Also important is supporting each other’s hobbies. Not into running? You should still go and wait at the finish line of that 10k to cheer for your spouse. And she should come listen to your band play occasionally, even if she’s not a fan of bluegrass.
Miles does not compromise his core values.
Don’t compromise major life choices
If I asked you, are you interested in getting married someday? Do you want children? You probably know how you feel on these topics–yes, definitely would like to get married; no, having kids just isn’t something that appeals to me. Like core values, these are areas of life that are really important to be true to yourself on. Yes, sometimes your opinions change. You can’t imagine getting married until you meet the person who eventually becomes your spouse, or you find to your surprise that your life feels complete without having children and you decide to forgo it. But when you feel strongly one way or another, you should not compromise. Do not marry a woman to get her to quit nagging you about getting married. Do not agree–in the abstract–to have children with someone and then either put it off indefinitely, or actually go ahead and reproduce against your better judgment. These are huge decisions that will have a lasting impact on your life and the lives of others. It is not selfish to resist compromise in these areas–it is responsible.
Do compromise on your living space
Moving in together is typically a fraught experience for couples. You can know someone very well, love them, be committed to them…and yet moving in with them is like being introduced to a whole new person. This is definitely a time that calls for compromise. The person who is messier and less organized needs to make an effort to be less so. The person who is neater and more organized needs to cut the other person some slack. And household chores and responsibilities need to be divided up in as fair a way as possible. This may mean a stark departure from what you grew up with in your family of origin. Just because your mom did the laundry and vacuumed and your dad cooked and took care of the cars, it doesn’t mean that’s the right way to do it in your new coupling. You have to pave a new path together and that means (in this area) doing what’s best for your union, not what you’d prefer to do as an individual. After all, is there anyone who wouldn’t rather that our partner do all the housework, pay all the bills, run all the errands? That would be ideal…but remember what I said about getting your way all the time? Don’t be the guy with tiger blood and a warlock brain.
In closing, the best way to think about compromise is this: is what I’m compromising on going to change who I fundamentally am? Is it going against some deeply held belief? If the answer is yes to either question, you need to seriously consider whether you want to be untrue to yourself. If the answer is no to both questions, you can safely find a middle ground with your other half.
-Beth
Got a question for Beth? Send it to: askawoman@dappered.com
Re: Compromise on Core Values
One of the best pieces of advice to me when I was single was to take some time and seriously evaluate and rank the qualities about myself that are important. And then write them down, in order of priority. Then, think about my future wife, and separately write what qualities I would absolutely want her to have and also ones that I think would be nice, but not necessary. For me, the non-negotiables were that she be a woman of the same faith, that she loved her family, and that she was beautiful. (I didn’t waste time with silly line items like “looks like 1992 Halle Berry” though I admit I was tempted.)
From that moment forward, I compared that objective list to the women I’d meet and date, and it cleared my perspective and kept me from wasting time. I wasn’t seriously tempted to compromise what I really wanted to satisfy an immediate subjective attraction.
The epilogue is that I didn’t know that Mrs. Styles had also made a similar list of her ideal mate qualities. We met a few years after I made my list and the process of refining what was important to me put me in position to be the man she’d been looking for.
We’re going on 14 years of marriage this year with no end in sight.
I remember several years ago watching an episode of Meet the Press where James Carville (prominent Democratic strategist), was on with his wife, Mary Matalin (prominent Republican strategist) talking about either the upcoming general or midterm election. With a straight face, sitting right next to his wife, Carville says something along the lines of “if you’re a racist, then the Democratic party probably isn’t for you.” They’ve been married for years and have two children. I know people through work who are friends with both of them, and everyone says the same thing. They don’t talk about work at home. If that’s not compromise, I don’t know what is!
Just out of curiosity did you ever go back and edit the list? I’ve been meaning to do this myself for sometime, but I would be interested in knowing how often you revisited the list. Any suggestions for making a realistic list?
14 years! Teach us, sensei.
Honestly I didn’t make any edits to the potential mate list, as it came after I did the self-assesment list. The latter I did run past someone whose opinion I trusted to see if I was being honest or just optimistic.
By the time I’d made either list, I was getting to a place that I realized that I didn’t know as much about finding a proper mate as I thought I did. You can’t wing it and hope for the best.
Just out of curiosity…how long were you two together before you got married?
We met in 1998 (I was actually pursuing someone who *appeared* to be list-worthy at the time.) Engaged eight months later, married 2000 when she finished grad school.
Ha, democrats are just as racist.
That’s awesome. I knew my better half for about 3 years before we got married…about to have our second wedding anniversary in a few weeks. Congrats sir!
Totally missing the point Kevin. Beth is talking about relationship compromises, and I was just trying to give the best example of one I personally know of. Carville and Matalin have diametrically opposed professional goals that are tied to core beliefs, but they still have a successful relationship.
I was thinking of what to reply, and then I remembered a favorite quote from Maya Angelou: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” So what’s helped me in my marriage is knowing that hurting my wife’s feelings makes me lose even though I’ve won an argument with logic and words.
Wow. That’s it. Right there. That’s all a husband needs to know.
The one thing you didn’t tackle about compromise in this article is maybe the biggest, hairiest issue I’ve had to deal with in relationships: compromising your career.
No, that’s all a *person* needs to know. This isn’t restricted to marriage. Every single interaction you have every single day — remember that the person you’re interacting with is going home to their family at the end of the day, or their friends, or even to themselves, and whichever of those it is, that person’s behavior is going to be influenced by the kind of day they had.
Your goal in life, if you want to be a good person, is to remain humble and kind in all your dealings. Contribute positively to every person’s world in every case, as far as you possibly can. Don’t worry about karma — don’t expect your positivity to come back around to you some day. Just take joy in making other people’s lives better.
The way your comment about racism was presented, it was insinuating that republicans are racist while democrates are not. If that is not what you were insunuating, I highly suggest that you remove that line from your post.
I agree that they do something that many could not, and I commend them for that greatly, but I don’t believe that either party supports racism (especially, since that would be illegal and make the US a one party system and all).
Also, on a bit of a side note. Inter-party prejudice and bigotry far out weighs the amount of racism in the US (which is extremely present in both parties)
I’ll say it one last time, and then bow out of this conversation. You’re missing the point.
I was merely attempting to provide an example that was germane to Beth’s thoughtful post about compromises in relationships. I think if Carville and Matalin can have a successful relationship through the obvious compromises they’ve had to make, there’s hope for us all. Nothing in the example has anything to do with politics and doesn’t insinuate anything.
It’s sad that you even have to explain yourself.
all I was saying is that if you were to remove the comment about racism in the Democratic Party, it would be extremely difficult to miss interpret your post. Maybe I was a bit too verbose stating this in my first post, but I don’t know.