Ask A Woman: Navigating the Dirty Thirties.
If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked. That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com .
Aging brings about occasional revelations, if we pay attention to it. A few years after you leave college, you might discover that drinking all night no longer allows you to bounce back the next morning and have a productive (or vertical) day. A few years after that, you notice you’re developing permanent bags under your eyes, even if you routinely get enough sleep. Not all aging is bad though. In fact, my experience of aging has been mostly positive. A bit fiery in my youth, I’m now slower to anger. Resistant to spontaneity and change for so long, I’m now more open to the joys of the unexpected. Recognizing and embracing these revelations is important to growing, as is actively seeking out change as you age (instead of waiting for change to be revealed to you). Here I’ve assembled a short list of things–both serious and whimsical–you might consider leaving by the wayside as you age.
Sleeping on a friend’s floor
When you’re 20, road tripping to Daytona with four other dudes smashed in a sedan, stopping along the way to sleep at a friend of a friend’s apartment in a sleeping bag in the hallway between the bathroom and living room makes good financial sense. When you’re 23, returning to your college town for homecoming and stuffing so many people in one motel room you are relegated to spending the night in a pillow-bottomed tub shows thriftiness. When you hit 30 and you start limping home from pick-up basketball games and your knees begin to crack a bit when you get out of bed in the morning and 7 hours of sleep is the minimum needed to keep your sanity, these cost-cutting measure have seen the end of their utility. Take this as a sign that when planning trips, even small ones, you want to either secure decent lodging with people you know (who have an actual bed in an actual guest room) or budget a chunk of dough to having your own hotel room. If that means you have to scale down on other parts of your vacay? So be it. Travel is not much fun with a sore back and sleep-deprived cognitive function.
Moving without hiring professional movers
Moving is the worst. There is no one who likes to move. There may be people who are compelled to move often by circumstance, but no one looks forward to packing up all their possessions, carrying them into a truck or van, driving them across town or country, carrying them into a new residence and then unpacking everything. In your twenties, you probably moved all your stuff yourself, or with the help of family. That’s fine, you were young and foolish and broke. Once you hit 30…hire movers to spare you at least the back-breaking part of the ordeal. Also, offering to give your friends beer and pizza to help you move is no longer much of an incentive. We can buy our own beer and pizza and consume all of it while sitting on a couch and not risking a hernia. Just hire movers.
Rachel, Chandler–none of your Friends want to help you move.
Seeking out or tolerating drama in relationships
We’ve talked about it in this space before, but one of the secrets you learn as you get older is that you’re not required to put up with other people’s bullshit. Maybe your girlfriend or boyfriend is always looking for reasons to be mad at you–you called her five minutes later than you said you would, you looked at another man out of the corner of your eye, she doesn’t want you to hang out with your friends, he thinks you should spend all holidays with his family. Perhaps it’s recently dawned on you that a friend you’ve had forever has actually evolved into a jackass who gives you nothing but grief. This is the age to take stock of your life and decide–is this person (romantic or platonic) really a good fit for me? Is it constant drama, conflict, heartbreak, or annoyance? There is no reason to hold on to dysfunction. It’s not serving you, and it’s certainly not serving the miserable person you’re with.
Eating takeout or processed food everyday
Kraft mac n’ cheese, frozen pot pies, pizza, $1 value menu burgers—these were necessities in college and maybe right after, when you didn’t have the time, resources, or knowledge to cook and eat properly. You had exams! You had a food budget of $11 per week! You had a beer budget of $25 per week! Priorities! No more. You don’t need to become a gourmand or spend all your discretionary income on organic, local food if that’s not your bag. But you do need to start paying attention to what you put in your body. That means cooking or preparing most of your meals yourself, at home, using mainly fresh ingredients. Simple vegetable and chicken stir-fry, tasty salad with a variety of healthy ingredients, pasta with homemade sauce, even just a grilled cheese sandwich with a side of fruit—learn how to make some simple dishes that provide basic nutrients. In ten years your colon will thank you for it.
Acting like you’re invincible
This one seems to come to many people naturally, so I hope that’s the case with everyone reading. But in case it’s not…in your teens and perhaps part of your twenties, let’s be honest, you acted like an ass (I’m including myself in this group). You drank too much, you drove when you should have called a cab, you scaled your roof to adjust the satellite dish, you stood on the top rung of the ladder while painting, you refused to walk away when that douche at the bar was trying to pick a fight. You did this, I did this, we all did this. While none of this is acceptable behavior, to some extent, it’s necessary to growing up. Humans don’t just suddenly develop common sense–we make really big mistakes, sometimes suffer greatly from them, and then realize we were dopes. Messing up is the most effective path to change, but you have to recognize your errors, and then make an effort not to repeat them. When you were 19, you thought nothing could hurt you. Now that you’re 30, realize that’s far from the truth and make choices that keep you safe and whole. And cheers to the next decade.
Got a question for Beth? Send it to: askawoman@dappered.com
Professional movers also save you time.
I hired professional movers for the first time a couple of years ago. I’ll never go back to the beer and pizza bribery method. I’m helping my brother move this weekend, but he’s 28, so I’ll cut him some slack.
Professional movers are so, so worth it. Purge and pack yourself, but man, when it comes to the day of… getting stuff out, over, and in, movers make it so much easier. Good luck with your brother’s stuff this weekend.
All great tips. Out of curiosity, and I know it all depends on location and a host of other things, but on average, what does a typical mover charge? Is it per hour? Amount of goods to be moved? etc. I’ve always done the self-moving or friends helping method in the past.
4 + 5 = DO NOT EAT TACO BELL!!! Jeez, i swear I wanna die every time I eat that stuff now. Felt like my intestines were liquefying. Had to give it up.
Usually time x number of people. They usually charge a fixed+ fee. Meaning, you must reserve a minimum of 3 hours for $X and then its another $X per hour for the amount of time afterwards. Some will add a surcharge for fuel if you’re going more than a few miles.
Re Drama in relationships. If you’re single, dating and you’re willing to tolerate some drama because he/she is very attractive, lots of fun, pays for things, etc. that’s your prerogative. But,
1) Ask yourself why people say that guys/girls always date assholes/b*tches and are you feeding into that?
2) You’ll find that your tolerance is much shorter than it used to be;
3) For any true relationship, that stuff becomes very annoying and draining, regardless of how attractive, fun, rich, she/he is. You don’t want to be in a long term relationship, realizing your resent the person.
I’m not 30 yet, so I can say this with authority: it’s sooo gooood.
“I’m really working on #4,” he said through a mouthful of doughnut
The acting like I am invincible part has been one of the harder things for me to come to grips with, especially in the gym or on the ice. I know some people lift big and heavy well into their golden years, but I just don’t know how they do it and keep a regular job. Coming to work and having to hobble from meeting to meeting gets old after awhile.
As for the take out thing, I don’t really see anything wrong with it as long as it isn’t crazy high calorie stuff. I minimize fast food to only when its the only thing open, but otherwise most of the time I eat out or order in, though my GF does cook for me pretty often now too which is nice. I just don’t have time to do much more than throw 4 pounds of chicken breast in a crockpot with some spices and box it up for lunches that week.
The ones I’ve used have sent a guy around to eyeball my furniture, appliances and boxed possessions, and use that to spec out what size truck and how many crew to allocate. The # of people, poundage moved, and mileage after a certain distance factor in to the final invoice.
My last move of 500 miles or so was several thousand dollars, but it was worth every penny. Besides handling all the carrying labor, I personally would rather fall on a rusty spike than drive a rental truck on mountain highway for any distance.
In the US, moving expenses for job related purposes are a tax write-off if the distance is sufficient, too.
30 and a bit and eating taco bell right now.
One change I’ve noticed as I become an old fart is that time becomes more precious than money. Chipotle opened up a new store near my college, and there were students waiting in line for 90 minutes to get a free burrito on the first day. Nowadays, I’d offer to buy someone else’s burrito if they’d spare me the drive and pick up an extra one.
Not even 30 yet – 29 … Just cant do it anymore.
Non shady ones are also insured, which can be a thing to think about once your possessions aren’t all made out of chipboard
i feel this exact same way when i see people lined up waiting forever and ever to save literally $.02 per gallon at the gas station across the street. So you save, what… $.30. Really?!?!?!
Be careful about basing who you choose only on price. My first moving experience, when I was still with my ex, surpassed my expectations in every way possible. My last movers I hired through Craig’s List turned out to be completely sketch.
They showed up 3 hours late, had ME do 50% of the moving with them, and since it took a whole day and numerous smoke breaks to do two rooms worth of stuff (instead of the few hours it was supposed to take) we got to talking. They let me in on all kinds of scams they would pull on people to get extra money out of them.
My best recommendation is to ask someone you know who was happy with their movers who they used. The extra couple hundred dollars you’ll pay for piece of mind will totally be worth it. And if you used a company like I used, they’ll come up with surprise charges after they show up to get that extra money out of you anyway.
The pre-move Purge is extraordinarily liberating….
This, and check reviews. I had a friend pay significantly more than I did, with a similar experience (people showed up late, broke stuff, slacked off and went over their budgeted time, etc.). After she told me this, I checked their reviews on Yelp and they were horrible. On the other hand, I was able to kind of compare price points with reviews to get people who would do what I wanted, at the price I wanted.
“You looked at another man out of the corner of your eye…”
Yeah, my girlfriend hated when I’d do that…
Why Taco Bell? Why why WHY???
Maybe it’s because I live in San Diego, so there are a thousand better options for “Mexican” food, but I still can’t fathom how anyone could eat Taco Bell and be a happy person.
100% with you on that. But after a brutal day at the office… last thing i wanna do is cook. Taco Bell was a viable option for me in my early 20s (loved those Mexican pizzas), but no way i can stomach it now.
Thank you all for your replies!
Ha, just wait. I’m 40, and used to live on McDonalds and Taco Bell. I never eat Taco Bell now, and maybe 2 times a month for McDonalds. It’s weird how one day you wake up, and it’s just no good anymore. And I used to love it.
+ 1 million on hiring your own damn movers. Welcome to adulthood, where if you have too much stuff to move yourself, none of your friends want to help you. I will help you pack and I will help you move stuff around once their in the house, but I’m not spending 8+ hours busting my ass to move your stuff.
This. Plus, I’m old enough to recognize that there are some things I would just so much rather pay someone else to do, like grooming my dog and cleaning my bathrooms.
I am 25 and i’ve never once slept in a sleeping bag that was in a hallway, a bathtub or a floor in general. Well until last week but thats because we lost power due to ice and we had the fireplace going all night…but that doesnt count.
Free pancakes day at ihop will make your soul hurt. At least they ask for a charitable donation, but… them lines.
One word man: chalupa
I’ve relied on professional movers since I was in my early 20s. Sure, they were expensive, but even back then, it still cost at least $120 for a U-Haul, plus another $50 to treat my friends out for helping me. Professional movers cost twice as much, but were also twice as fast, and they don’t generally screw up or waste time.
OK, I’m well into my 40s, and can still manage #1 with no problem. At least when I’m traveling on my own. I can sleep anywhere, and when I’m traveling, I wake up early, energized, and eager to explore. It’s a different story when traveling with my fiancée. She needs a good bed.
#2 is thankfully no problem for me. Our last move was handled with the help of friends, one of whom brought his alpaca trailer. We moved 2 apartments into one, in just a few hours time. Sure I’d pay movers if I could afford it, but if professional movers are out of your price-range, getting a gang of friends and plying them with beer and pizza still works.
I’m going to say 3 and 4 are things you should leave behind no matter what age you are.
As for #5, yes I probably SHOULD have left that behind in my 30s, but somehow I’ve survived this long, so maybe I really AM invincible.
It was mentioned above, but I’ll reiterate: make sure they have insurance. And not just the broker you contract with, but whoever the broker hires to actually transport your belongings. Generally the broker is protected from the liability of the transport company and (as was the case when my truck was shipped cross-country), by the time you’ve realized something was damaged, the sketchy, low-bid transport company is long gone and often not insured themselves.
IHOP > Waffle House.
Further to your last point – if moving expenses aren’t a tax write-off, then negotiate them with your new employer! You’d be surprised what they’ll agree to if you just ASK.
So is that a trailer FOR alpacas, or PULLED by alpacas? The latter would make for a much more interesting move. Especially if the alpacas start to fight – it’s pretty hilarious.
My Dad lived in a retirement village and people did the same thing to get $1 hot dogs. Another example is to pay someone to wait in line to buy the new iPhone. http://goo.gl/wRebwr
It is a trailer for transporting alpacas.Fortunately Stephen left the Alpacas at home. No Alpacas were harmed in the moving of these apartments.
I used to eat fast food almost every day, but in my old age (31) I’ve converted to brown bagging it. My bank account and my body are both much better off.
Agree with all and most of No.5 but, I still need to make some decisions that might not keep me safe and whole.
“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a Ride!”
This. I wouldn’t even contemplate a job in a new city that didn’t help pay for relocation. That’s just a basic ‘do right by your employee’ thing that any company SHOULD take care of. A few thousand dollars up front to assist with relocation is peanuts for most businesses compared to the overall cost of onboarding and training a new employee.