Ask A Woman: Danger, Will Robinson!
If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked. That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com .
Did you know that this period of time, between Halloween and Thanksgiving, is when the most break-ups occur? Probably because people begin to think ahead to how much time they’ll likely be spending with their significant other (and their SO’s family) during the holiday season. The holidays are stressful under the best of circumstances. If you realize you’re not that wild about your other half in the first place, well, makes sense to cut ties before you’re stuck at a table with his or her family. In that vein, here are five types of women you should avoid dating. Many of these “types” also apply to men, so if you date men, steer clear of these dudes, too.
#1. Control Freaks
Full disclosure: I’m starting out with the type that I am closest to–I have a small coronary when the dishwasher isn’t loaded to maximize space; I have to sit in the living room with a cold compress on my forehead when my husband is cooking because the kitchen gets destroyed. Just acknowledging that while I judge, I am well aware of my own shortcomings. Okay, control freaks. Anyone with a type A personality, anyone who is driven or ambitious is probably going to be a little controlling. But I’m talking about lack-of-boundaries controlling. For instance, someone who insists on picking out what you wear. Who calls you every half hour when you’re hanging out with the guys. Who doesn’t want you to hang out with the guys at all. Who monitors what you eat. This is not healthy. The two people in a relationship get to remain individuals. That doesn’t go away just because you’re dating someone. You get to make decisions about yourself and your life without constantly being watched by the other person. Cut loose a woman who makes you second guess everything you do.
#2. Mean Girls
Sometimes controlling women and mean girls are one in the same, but not always. This one doesn’t require much explanation. Mean is mean. She constantly criticizes you (especially in front of other people); she’s unfriendly towards your family; she doesn’t care about getting to know your friends; she does and says things that are hurtful and cruel. Why would you subject yourself to this? Kindness is the most underrated human quality. In a partner, in a friend, in a family member, in a boss, in a co-worker. Someone who is kind makes your life easier, and makes themselves easy to love. Pick a partner who is kind.
Mean girls, they’re easy to spot.
#3. Loners
If a woman has no friends, you don’t want to date her. She doesn’t have to have 50 friends, or even 10 friends. There are a good number of introverted people out there who are totally date-able but prefer to keep their social circle small. They have 3 or 4 friends they regularly speak to and confide in, and that’s all they need. Cool. I’m talking about a woman who has no friends. Zero. Not from childhood, not from college, not from work, not from her apartment building. There’s something… off here. There might be someone wonderful lurking inside, but for now, an inability to make or sustain friendships means this person is completely unprepared to sustain a healthy romantic relationship. It also makes it likely that she won’t understand how important your friendships are to you, and thus spending time with them may become a point of contention.
#4. Women-haters
I’d also advise men to proceed with caution when they meet a woman who says she’s never gotten along with other women. I’ve met a number of these women (and lived with one when I was young and foolish, God help me). They might have friends, but most of them are men, and the women friends they do have they talk shit about constantly. Here’s the deal with women who don’t like other women. They say things like, “Girls are always jealous of me” or “I can’t deal with girl drama.” Neither of these things is ever, ever true. Women like this tend to be very competitive with other women–for men, for attention, for whatever it is they are seeking. Other women are not looked at as sources of companionship; they are obstacles to whatever this woman wants. When the friendship inevitably fails, the woman blames it on the fiction that her ex-friend was jealous of her hair or her ability to get guys, instead of the fact that she was a terrible friend. (Guys, this might sound familiar to you among your male friends–I’ve heard men say of an ex-friend, “He was always jealous of how much tail I could get”–yeah, I don’t think so.) Narcissism is a really hard trait to accept in a partner–you don’t want to date a woman like this.
#5. Drama Queens
I kind of hate the term “drama queens” because I know as many overly dramatic men as I do women, and yet the word “drama kings” isn’t really part of our cultural parlance. I also think the term gets used too much, anytime a woman gets upset about something–“She’s such a drama queen.” Or maybe she’s just pissed off about something important. Anyway, to me, drama queens are people who make a big deal about small things, and who pick fights. They can’t get reservations at their favorite restaurant for their birthday and their “special day” is ruined. They’re always in a fight with someone: sister, friend, mom. The bath store is out of their favorite body cream and they demand to speak to the manager. They have two drinks and accuse you of being attracted to their best friend. If you feel exhausted keeping up with a woman and her demands…she might be a drama queen. The good news about drama queens is that they tend to mellow with age. Someone who is spastic at 20 is likely to be less so at 30. Still, do you want to put in 10 years waiting for that to happen? Maybe not.
-Beth
Got a question for Beth? Send it to: askawoman@dappered.com
Good list – especially the kindness. An unkind person is not someone you want a life with!
Good typology. Yikes! My first wife was #1 and #2 combined, big-time. My second wife was #3 and #4 combined, with an unhealthy dose of #5 thrown in to boot. Luckily, I’m firm in my resolve that there will be no third wife, haha!
” Women are a labyrinth, my friend. Can I be frank? I don’t think you listen to her. I think you tell her what she wants to hear. She wants you to thirst for knowledge about who she is, all the complicated splendor that is women. When your love is truly giving, it will come back to you ten fold.”
Corollary to 4 and 5: The louder and more often anyone disclaims “drama” (or shallowness, disloyal friends, or whatever of that type of thing) the higher the proportion of time they’re the source of their own problems and the higher the likelihood they’ll pull people around them into it.
Male drama queens are still drama queens.
Very good list. Well done. Though I think Whimsy is the most underrated human quality.
Similar experiences here with my two ex’s, Frank. And when any woman asks me ‘don’t you want try it again to get it right?’, it’s usually my cue to exit, stage left.
“I hate drama.” Translation: “I am drama, embodied.”
There have been probably one or two occasions in my entire life that I’ve heard a girl say the former line and the latter line has not held true. It makes sense – if the girl says that line, clearly drama is at the forefront of her mind and there’s probably a pretty good reason. More often than not, she’s the source of the drama that she claims to disdain.
You left off a major red flag. Women who only have guy friends or women who tell you they can only get “along” with guys. Run away as fast as you can if you encounter either one of these.
#4?
My mistake, #4 “Women-haters” did cover it. The only “guy” friends is a big one to watch out for as well. The “Women-haters” might not be as obvious at first as the “only guy friends”
There is a homeless guy in downtown Los Angeles I drive by daily while stuck in traffic with a sign that says “sick of b*tches b*tching about other b*tches”. I think that about covers it!
Good list. Beware #4, they like to disguise themselves as tomboys or “just another one of the guys”. Tomboys and women who are more comfortable around men do exist, but I don’t think that’s whom Beth is referring to.
This. We can call them “The Projectionist.”
No, there is a big difference. A girl who like football and and has more guy friends as a result is very different from the girl that has guy friends because she needs constant attention from men and other women dilute that attention. They may cover for it as “being one of the guys,” but it is most certainly not it. A good way to tell the difference is to think about their “true” hobbies (not what they say they like to gain favor of guys) and how they dress when they go out.
Where would the plain old “shallow girl” fall. Or, are they so obvious, we wouldn’t date them in the first place?
I would “thumbs up” this comment several times if I could.
High correlation to #5
In my experience, 1-5 all are features that will at one time be displayed by the Narcissist. She’s lovely.
#3 needs further qualification to be helpful. There are many reasons for a woman to be a “loner”. If they live in a state that they did not go to college or was raised in, are devoutly religious in a college known to be a party school, or work in a profession with crappy hours. From my experience in college, loners were far more likely to be kind, thoughtful, and intelligent compared with the propensity of finding the dumb drama queen who is always surrounded by girlfriends.
Your chances of finding a crazy Cat-lady in the making, when pursuing a “Loner” may be higher than that of the general public, it should be noted that with all the crazy women on Reality TV, virtually none would be classified as a loner.