Dealing with difficult people…by difficult we mean drunk.
Dealing with difficult people…by difficult we mean drunk.If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked. That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com .
Alright men. Get settled in. We’re about to tackle a tricky subject: “handling” a drunk woman. Actually, let me open this up. I’m going to use mainly female pronouns and nouns throughout for simplicity’s sake but if you prefer men, you could definitely apply this to a man. Basically anyone you might be romantically linked to or interested in or feel responsible for in some way. I want to note that these tips apply to people who don’t have a serious drinking problem, and who aren’t doing (or about to do) something criminal, abusive, or dangerous. In those cases, of course, getting help from law enforcement or a medical professional is the safest solution for all parties involved.
1. Don’t take advantage of her.
There are few women who will wake up the morning after a night of heavy drinking and thank the stranger–or previously platonic friend–lying next to them for the boink. To me, it’s an ethically grey area–people are responsible for themselves, and sometimes they drink a bottle of wine and decide to sleep with a random person. That can be a minor bummer or it can be a huge one with serious consequences, depending on whether the parties involved were coherent enough to use protection, and then whether that protection worked, and so on. So people are responsible for themselves. On the other hand, if you are sober and you pick up a wasted woman, even one who is flirting with you, that’s poor form. You have to know that the odds are good this person wouldn’t sleep with you normally. As a moral, decent person, you have an obligation to be respectful towards other people, and sometimes that means saving them from themselves.
2. Don’t expect reason and logic to work.
If you and your partner begin to argue while one or both of you is tipsy, trying to have a logical conversation to resolve the conflict does not always work. People forget what they just said, what the other person said, even what started the argument in the first place. Don’t try to reason with a mad drunk person. Do whatever you can to halt the discussion in its tracks. Tell the other person, as lovingly as possible, that you’re not going to talk about this topic anymore. This may need to be accompanied by departure from the room so that you’re actually physically removing yourself from the situation (of course, this only works if you’re at home or a trusted friend’s house). They may or may not accept this, but trying to find a resolution with someone who is sotally tober is a fool’s errand. In the morning, if necessary, you can still resolve the issue. But I find all is usually forgotten, especially when both of you need a couple aspirin and a morning spent lazing on the couch.
3. Intervene, if necessary.
If a friend or girlfriend is at risk of making an ass of herself–telling TMI stories about her (your) sex life, mooning passerby or other outrageous behavior–try to step in. Gently capture her attention and subtly guide her away from the person she’s talking to–tell her you haven’t gotten a chance to talk to her much this evening. How’s she doing? What’s new? This strategy does not work if you preface it by saying, “You’re making an ass of yourself/You’ve had way too much to drink/What the hell is wrong with you?” I’ve found that drunkenness and defensiveness go hand-in-hand, so someone you scold is going to be prone to insisting she is fine, and then demonstrating she is fine by getting another drink or confiding in her boss that she was actually on a long weekend getaway last month when she called in sick with the stomach flu.
4. End The Evening.
Drunk people don’t like to the leave the bar. We’re drunk! We’re having so much fun! Courtney just got here! But ending the evening is sometimes necessary. If you suspect the person you’re with will resist or become defensive, make it about you. You’ve had too much to drink, you have a headache, you’re too tired to stay. The odds are better that your other half will acquiesce if it’s not about her. If the person in question is not your girlfriend, but it’s clear they need to go home, well, that’s a harder scenario. If it’s a friend, you can try to get her to come home with you, so you can make sure she gets into a bed (not yours) or on a couch safely. You can point out to a more sober female friend of hers that she probably needs to go home. Women are usually good about taking care of each other that way. You can also get a taxi for her…if she’s cognizant. If she’s really gone, don’t do it. She probably won’t stay awake long enough to tell the driver where to go, and she might vomit up that bar tab all over the backseat and end up with a pricey cleaning bill.
5. Be kind
Is there anything worse, especially as responsible, mature adults, than waking up the morning after you’ve had too many, and feeling like a fool? It’s not fun. Be nice to your wife. Tell her it happens to everyone. Be nice to your female friends. Next time you see them, no need to reenact how they busted their sh*t on the steps out of the bar. If you feel that some kind of behavior was really out of line, by all means, address it with her. But having too many glasses of wine and singing show tunes for your group of friends isn’t anything to make a federal case about.
-Beth
Don’t forget to take pictures for future blackmail purposes! Muahahahahahaha…
This guy…
Avoiding situations like this is one of the many reasons I choose to drink alone, at home.
While I pretty much agree with #1, I would put my reasoning much more succinctly. Having sex with someone who is drunk, if they would not do it with you sober, is not gentlemanly, it’s not cool, it’s not even remotely ethical. It’s taking advantage, and it borders on rape. If you don’t already know them well enough to know they would consent sober, the only moral thing to do is wait until they are sober, and then ask them. Sure, some people like to use drinking as an excuse to do things they can’t bring themselves to do sober, maybe this person won’t regret their choice when they sober up, but this is one of those cases where the moral grey area is too grey for my comfort.
Great advice, and while you’re right that logic doesn’t work, “drunk” logic does – drunk people (myself included) usually are kind of fixated on one or a couple ideas. GOING TO A NEW BAR! MAKING OUT! whatever it is. If you use “drunk logic,” you can often get the person to want to do what they would tell themselves to do if more sober. Requests for a possibly-inappropriate makeout session can be tackled with, say, a kiss on the cheek or “let’s dance!” or some other distraction.
I think of it as “working with” the drunk person, while using (sober) reason, and one of the reasons I like it is that it means you’re not pulling yourself “out of the party,” and you aren’t really disrespecting the drunk person’s wishes, but just… offering safer alternatives.
Also, if you’re also slightly drunk, and it’s a woman close enough that you’d call her a friend (even if there might be a drunk-romantic-muddling), the gentlemanly thing to do is cab to HER home and then get a cab back to yours. A text when you get home saying “got home safe. :)” ends the night on a positive note, signals no harm was done, and your friend gets to wake up at her own place where there’s no awkward “what happened?” couch/bed moment. Sorry, sometimes, paying for two cabs in a night is the price of friendship.
“Don’t take advantage of her.”
Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou. So many people forget to put this front and center, first and foremost when discussing intoxication. The onus is not on drunk people not to get wasted, but on people who might take advantage of them to not do so.
This guy
This guy
How about don’t take advantage of him too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uivbBu1pXRg
What’s rather commical is rejecting a girl that is drunk and then they become hostile/violent! I got called every name under the sun, then she called her BF and broke up with him so that I didn’t have the excuse of “you have a BF”.
Old School is the best comedy ever made.
I once dated a party animal in college that got very wasted at a club and made a fool of both me and her (starting fights, dancing on other guys, etc). I made sure the trip home included a lot of sudden starts and stops. I got that car door open just in time…
Ehhh… Kind of expected the mixed response… It may sound like a cruel thing for me to do, but it was a weekly thing for her. She wasn’t a victim…
It isn’t borderline rape, it is rape. The absence of consent is rape.
I don’t dispute that the absence of consent is rape, but I wouldn’t necessarily say a drunk person cannot be consenting. We can argue semantics if you want, but I think we actually agree. What I am saying is if you are not sure a person is capable of making a decision they will be OK with in the morning, don’t risk it.
Excuse me, this seatbelt’s broken. What do you recommend I do?
That sounds very sad.
Someone who is intoxicated cannot give consent. My girlfriend who works in sexual violence prevention and my district attorney friend both agree with this. The consequence of having too many drinks should be a hangover and not sexual assault.
Exactly – consent should be informed, enthusiastic, and ongoing. Ten no’s and a yes is rape; ten yes’s and a no (that isn’t respected and acted on in a reasonable amount of time) is rape. You can’t sign a contract drunk; you can’t consent drunk. This is an awkward concept for college students who go to parties to get drunk in the hopes of getting laid, but you’re putting yourself in a dangerous position and subjecting yourself to the mercy of someone else and whether or not she is retroactively happy about the situation.
I do and while I still give the advice to be mindful and vigilant, I also think we have to take positive action as men to make rape culture taboo, which includes not celebrating getting laid by that chick who was suuper schwasted last night.
It’s always nice to see the thoughtfulness and inclusiveness at Dappered – especially since straight men aren’t the only ones concerned about their appearance or interested in fashion. I think the subtlety is what really makes it, too, because it implies a normalcy that doesn’t require any pageantry or special treatment.
It’s sad that an article like this needed writing, but I am glad you posted it.