Dating sites: Dating in the Time of Technology
If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked. That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com
.
Hey Beth,
Loyal reader here with a pretty simple question. Dating sites–are they worth the trouble?
I just moved to Chicago six months ago and thought that joining a dating site would be a good way to meet people. Over those six months anyone I’ve met through it hasn’t lasted past a third date. What are your thoughts about the dating site scene? I wonder because I just recently went on a first date that I thought went really well. Four hours of constant conversation and laughs and then no contact from my date for four days now and I’ve sent a text and an email. I can see she visits her profile page though.
Overall, just wondering if you think these sites are worth all the trouble and if not any recommendations for a new guy in town?
– Christopher
Hi Christopher,
Unfortunately, I cannot speak from personal experience. I met my husband before dating websites were around. In my day, you had to hike ten miles uphill, barefoot in the snow to get a date (insert emphysemic chuckle and rheumy-eyed gaze). Seriously though, back then the Inter-webs were used for email, video games, and accessing library databases for term papers. Telling someone you met your other half through the “world wide web” was tantamount to admitting you wore orthondontic headgear to bed and you could speak fluent Klingon.
Editor’s Note: Qapla’!
Thankfully, times have changed. We use the Internet for everything else so it was only a matter of time before love matters of the heart were addressed online. It’s a pretty efficient way to find a mate–tell the site everything you like and everything you’re looking for, and it runs some algorithms and gives you a list of people you’re most likely to be compatible with. This, instead of heading to the bar every weekend and hoping that petite blonde across the room is going to be a good fit for you. I do have a number of friends (all of them men, incidentally) who have found their girlfriends and boyfriends through dating sites, or are single and using dating sites to meet someone.
I think dating sites are worth the trouble, as much as is, say, going out and trying to meet someone, or asking your friends to set you up with someone. They have as much potential to find you a partner as anything else will. And though it’s a bummer that you thought your date with this new woman went really well and she seems to be MIA, that’s not connected to your having met her through a dating site, right? This is just part of the game. Sometimes you’ll like someone more than they like you, and vice versa. Plus, four days isn’t an eternity, I’d still give her some time to get back to you before giving up.
Dating. It can be scary out there.
Also…six months may feel like a long time, but it’s really not. Finding “your person” is an odd proposition. It’s a goal that you don’t have a lot of control over, whereas most other goals, you do. For instance, if you want to run a marathon, you can buy a pair of running shoes, look up a running schedule, follow that schedule, sign up for a marathon, and run it. Short of getting hit by a bus a week before the race, you have control over whether or not you achieve that goal. Because love is this mystical, chemical (read: annoyingly unpredictable) confluence of two random people each deciding they can’t live without the other…it’s hard to pursue. All of this is to say–be patient. Be open to finding love by doing what you’re doing. Be active on dating sites. I would encourage you to join groups that speak to your interests (co-ed kickball league or alumni group for your college), join professional organizations that will help you network (this is good for romantic relationships and friendships alike), and volunteer regularly for a good cause (after-school programs or serving food at a shelter). Taking these steps will introduce you to lots of new people, get you out in the community, boost your self-confidence, and make you an interesting, well-rounded individual. Keeping busy is the best thing you can do as the new kid in town. Eventually your efforts will pay off.
-Beth
Not to be rude, but could it sounds like the issue is either with the person that wrote the letter or with the girls he is picking? These sites will give a person many people to choose from and while it might sound shocking to the users of these sites not everyone is going to be a perfect match for you.
It sounds like you are meeting people and having plenty of dates, so the site is working. If you feel that you aren’t meeting the right ones I suggest changing the way you are meeting girls.
Bars – are they worth the trouble? Blind dates? Social activities? Meeting people requires a little bit of luck and a lot of effort. It’s a numbers game and the more times you put yourself out there, the better chance you have of meeting someone you like. Dating sites are just one more avenue to potentially meeting someone, and more importantly, someone you otherwise wouldn’t.
The last gf I had was from a dating site. It didn’t work out and obviously I don’t blame the internet. But…. She also purchased a fairly common breed dog from the internet without ever meeting it and had it shipped to her from out of state. I do believe quite a few people both girls and boys fit that profile on the sites.
I met my wife on match.com! We met nearly 4 years agos, just passed our second anniversary, and haven’t killed each other yet. That’s got to count for something, right?
If you are under the impression that women never flake out if you meet them in real life instead of the internet then I have some bad news for you.
For better or for worse, I would consider myself a retired internet dating pro. My single best piece of advice is to go on lots of dates with lots of girls and not to date one girl at a time. Until you’re committed, you might as well keep your options open.
But there’s an unexpected advantage here, too. By going on many dates, you avoid getting hung up on one girl and screwing it up by being over-anxious. Plus you’re having fun in the meantime.
I suggest two or three dates per week – whatever your wallet can afford. Dating 3 or 4 girls until you settle into a relationship is enough to keep you occupied, but not so many that you start confusing names.
That girl that hasn’t gotten back to Christopher is probably going out with several guys, too. That’s why she hasn’t called back yet. No reason to sit around and risk looking desperate.
Do you live in a relatively large city, or a major metro area? My experience in a city of ~80k, without a nearby metro area, is that dating sites are pretty limited. Once you eliminate the people who aren’t interesting and/or don’t respond to your messages, the pool seems pretty small.
Lest this come across like a personal gripe, it’s something any of my local friends who have tried online dating have also encountered. And, the majority of girls who seem interesting and mutually interested seem to be lying, either accidentally or brazenly — blatantly inaccurate photos, flat-out lying about personal interests (a friend went on a date with a girl whose profile espoused her interest in science, but who hadn’t a whit of scientific interest in person), etc.
I feel like these problems may be mitigated by a larger pool of potential datees, as it were.
To be fair, I live in the Dallas area. So I see your point about the dating pool size, but the whole exaggeration/fudging thing is something that you just figure out with practice. Once you’ve seen enough profiles, you learn how to read between the lines in their words and you figure out when the photos are accurate or if it’s just a flattering angle.
The only time I was ever seriously caught off guard was when my date neglected to mention in her profile and photos that she was missing a leg. I totally didn’t see that one coming…
Oh! One other piece of advice… Always be the one that plans the date, and plan something you would enjoy even if the rest of the date a dud. You’ll end up having fun, you’ll be more interesting, and you won’t walk away discouraged… And Maybe you’ll even get a second date!
More importantly, if you’re new to a city and by yourself… can you use those websites to just make friends? Always something I’ve wondered.
Great point about reading between the lines on profiles! I found that “athletic and toned” often meant average, and “curvy” meant fat. This is especially true when women’s pics seem to hide their full figures and/or are blurry.
THESE sites? No. Other sites, yes.
Friendships tend to be based around common interests. Try MeetUp.com and check the Reddit for your local area. Might also try some professional or alumni networking events, etc.
Another good (nerdy) way to make platonic friends from a website: Geocaching. Used to do it all the time, tons of fun.
I think I may have a bit to add.
I am very socially adept and most of the time when I meet someone we get along. My friends tend to say that everyone likes me and I like everyone.
That being said, I am AWFUL at meeting potential love interests. I am completely clueless at reading the signs of flirting and have gone on at least 5 and maybe 7? “accidental dates. Where the other person thinks it is a date and I am fairly oblivious.
I have been online dating for about 8 ish years? And this has led to 1 light relationship, 1 medium-term relationship (with a crazy person), 1 long term relationship, and now the love of my life. I can honestly say within that time frame, I have spoken to at least 50 people online. I have been able to weed out so many people that I would have otherwise wasted a date on. And I think this is the biggest boon. Unlike speed dating, where you know nothing about someone and make a split second decision, with online dating you are able to get past the first round of casual conversation (What do you do? Where are you from? What are your interests?) fairly easily. And often without actually having to spend the energy talking to them directly.
I realize this may seem lazy but I think it is a bit healthier than chasing people at bars. In addition, most of the people on dating websites tend to be pretty clear about their intentions. I feel like site users self select. If someone is paying a $50 for a dating site, I am pretty sure they wont be lackadaisical about it.
I have had great success with online dating and I actually found it was much easier for me to date online than in real life even though I have good social skills. I think it comes down to intention. The dating site audience is taking the first step and saying they WANT to date people without you having to figure it out.
In 4 days you sent a text and an email!? The OP sounds like the typical mistake many of us make in looking clingy and left out massive details:
When did you send the text and email, was it 2 days after or the next morning(BAD!)? Also what was the content of the text/email, was it “Hey what’s up?” or something interesting?
Did you two make a clear plan to have a follow up date and you’d contact her in the next few days with details?
End of the date did you kiss her? (VERY Important, if it went so well for 4 hours and you didn’t she probably got the impression you didn’t really think so)
Did she touch you a lot, did you touch her a lot? How was her body language?
I’ve had long conversations with women I had zero interest in, I love a good conversation
He lives in a metro area of 10 million people…ah, forget it. I had something to say & I just hit delete.
I’ve got a buddy, kind of a loud mouth but a good guy, decent looking, doesn’t make a ton of money but would make a suitable mate. He can barely get a date because his standards are so high that no woman could possibly live up to it. She’s got to be “hot”, shag like a demon, act like a housewife from a ’50’s TV show, be educated, rich, tolerate his shortcomings without complaint, and place no expectations on him.
He’s messed around with the dating sites without success, but it isn’t that he can’t meet people (there are plenty of girls around here that would make a good wife), the problem is him. He wouldn’t have most people, and if he ever found someone, they wouldn’t care for being graded like a steak. So he just stays perpetually single and can barely get a date.
Matter of fact, I know lots of people, male and female, with the same issue. Frankly, if someone went to church twice a week and learned to behave themselves, they would be married within 6 months (but I know that’s just crazy talk).
Wait a minute! Beth you’re married? I must have never caught that before. Totally bums me out on a Friday. Womp Womp!
“Did you two make a clear plan to have a follow up date and you’d contact her in the next few days with details?”
This. The best time to plan a second date is at the end of the first date.
I suspect most people to varying degrees think they are better-looking, smarter, and more charming than they actually are.
I disagree on just one thing – sending a note the next day with “that was fun/you looked great – I look forward to/next week, let’s…” is pretty perfect.
The whole idea that you sound desperate by reaching out the next day is bogus. If you really liked how it went, you should follow-up the next day to keep the momentum going.
Otherwise, I agree with your points!
If you’re getting to Date #3 and losing traction there, it’s time for some introspection. Take a look at your picker (glad I spelled that right), and take a look at how you’re coming across.
Dating sites are just another medium for starting the interaction. After that, it’s all you, dawg.
I thought the internet was for porn?
No, after 4 days I would give up. It is way to easy to reply to a message these days.
I agree. The Interwebs are scary. Get out there and make new friends. You’ll get to know the right one
You haven’t killed each other yet? That doesn’t seem right… what type of weapons are you using?
True. I’ve found in job interviewing that people tend to overestimate their good qualities and ignore the bad.
In financial terms, you are diversifying your portfolio. I think it’s worth it to try.
Just know this: At 5’6″, I didn’t get many page views. When I went to 5’8″, that changed!