Ask A Woman: I’ve never had a girlfriend. What will women think?
If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. And don’t worry, your identity will be protected too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com
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Dear Beth,
I’m 24 and have never had a girlfriend before, and yes– I’m still a virgin. Is that weird?
I thought I’d ask that first before I give you some background on myself, to see what your initial reaction is.
I’ve never had a relationship before, mostly due to the fact that I was a weirdo in middle school, and had zero confidence in high school until near the end of my senior year. It wasn’t until my last two years of college did I start to feel comfortable with myself. My friends had girlfriends though. And as they came and went, I started to notice things I did and did not want in a relationship, to put it nicely. I’ve had a pretty good sense of what I’m looking for in someone, and figured that since I’ve waited this long, I might as well hold off for something that would be of substance. Same thing with sex. I’m not religiously or morally opposed to premarital sex; I’d just rather it be with someone I like at least. That, of course, has yet to happen.
I can confidently say that I’m no longer the schmuck I was in my early days, and think of myself as a decent looking, normal guy. I don’t find my virginity/lack of a previous relationship particularly off-putting since I’ve seen my friends/others get into pretty disastrous relationships and would rather not have a girlfriend for the sake of having a girlfriend, but it seems women might think otherwise. Thoughts?
– Steven
Hi Steven,
As rare as your situation might seem to you–or to other readers out there–I actually have known several people (mainly women) who got well into their twenties without having had a relationship. They have lots of friends; they have good jobs; they come from nice families; they’re fun, normal people. And most of their friends would say, we don’t understand why so-and-so has never had a boyfriend. But I think you bring up a likely response to that–late bloomers. For many people, high school is where you begin to figure out how to flirt and date; college is where you continue to hone those skills (yes, flirting is a skill, men, learn it), as well as other more mature talents…like sneaking out of a stranger’s bed at 4am. If you mature later on, or you’re excessively shy during these formative years, you fall behind what most other people your age are doing, and it can be really hard to catch up. You won’t be used to picking up on women’s signals, or you may be terrified of asking a man out, or you just don’t know how to segue from friendship to dating to relationship. It’s unfortunate, but it doesn’t mean you’ll be alone forever. And, I don’t think women will find this particularly distressing. Unusual, yes, but not run away! bizarre.
It is much more atypical to be a virgin at your age. For good or bad, the late-to-dating friends I’ve known have tended toward having sex with anyone the first time in an effort “to get it over with” so that they don’t feel like the last American virgin
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If you do start dating, I see no reason to put any of this information front and center with prospective girlfriends. Date for fun, and then when you begin to really like someone, you can tell them about your lack of experience. She may be taken aback, but if she’s a quality person, she’ll stick around. Hey, Andy ended up with Trish, right?
-Beth
Got a question for Beth? Send them to: askawoman@dappered.com
let me give you advice from a fellow 24 yr old male. I was once a virgin and never had a gf until I was 21, so 24 isn’t so bad. in fact we are still goddamn young. first thing first , get your finances straight and get your life together. secondly, go out and date and fuck as many different girls as possible. trust me. the last thing you want to do is tie yourself down at this age. go have crazy copious amounts of unimaginable sex until you have explored every inch of your body. and don’t worry, practice using a rubber , watch some porno , and girls won’t even know or question you about your past.
LOL at how quick “Mike’s” comment got deleted. I hadn’t even finished explaining how terrible that advice was before it was taken down! Anyways, nothing wrong with being a virgin at this point in your life. Just wait until you meet the woman who is in the same situation as you – it will make an even stronger connection between the both of you. Cheers and good luck on finding the one!
Steven, by some happy coincidence you’ve managed to skip the most immature dating years. If I have any advice it is to join social groups where you’ll have an opportunity to meet women and go on a number of first dates. If she’s not your sort of person then no big deal, you don’t need to see her again. And never, ever feel self-conscious or nervous about asking a girl you don’t know well out.
The best advice I can give you comes from my (much) older brother, one of personal heroes. He’s fabulously nice, has two degrees from Yale, played college athletics and the best looking guy I’ve ever met. (He used up all the good genes…) He also was so cripplingly shy that didn’t even kiss a girl until he had graduated from college. Since college, he’s managed to put himself out there and meet some really great people. And, in just under a year, he’ll be getting married to an intelligent, beautiful woman. When, as a college freshman, I asked him how he managed to start being more confident, putting myself out there, asking women out, and not feeling freaked about rejection, he gave me some fabulous advice: smile more, and challenge yourself to smile at one girl you don’t know every day. It’ll break those barriers down.
Go get ’em.
Too much uncreative profanity + too little capitalization = a bro-ful distraction.
Not trying to censor the content of a comment, but if the way it’s delivered makes the site look bad by having it up, then yeah, it might get the boot. So, lame, uncreative swearing should be kept to a minimum. And using the shift key is always nice too.
My mother said, “There’s always a little pain in Love.”
I often have this sort of debate with a friend of mine, because he has this ilusion that the woman he wants will simply drop on his lap. He has never been with a girl in any way, and I keep telling him that getting girls it’s all about practice. Then,when you practiced enough and your good enough, you can get the kinda of woman you want instead of settling for anyone. Search for David DeAngelo, his material will probably help you as it helped me, but please, don’t settle for this condition of yours! You are doing yourself a disservice and it is never too late to refine yourself in certain aspects!
The list of confirmed and successful bachelors is long and distinguished (insert predictable joke here). Don’t be who you aren’t to fit a societal norm.
One small word of advice based on what I’ve seen in friends of mine (guys) who lose their virginity “late:” Don’t let the fact that someone has sex with you cloud your judgment about them. Just speaking off the cuff and based on my own experiences/thoughts/observations, guys who lose their virginity after the age of 18 can very easily get attached to the first one who comes around that opens that door. As long as someone does not have religious or moral reasons for their abstinence, I usually encourage guys I know to “get that first one out of the way” early and when you’re very comfortable and sure you won’t be getting unduly attached to someone you don’t want attached to.
FYI, it’s hard to word the above without sounding someone condescending, but believe me, I’m not trying to be such. I just have seen some really nice guys ruin their lives because they got attached to their first. I put the age cutoff at 18 because after that is usually when people have enough autonomy and responsibility that they can make stupid, lasting mistakes. Becoming attached and broken at 15 doesn’t mean you drop out of college, pick up a bad job, or more often have an accidental kid, or run into psycho women looking to do the above to you…
Steven — I thought about myself reading this. I was pretty shy throughout HS, I never had the cahones to ask out the girl I was really into and things eventually fell apart with her. But I wanted to address the virginity part. I was a virgin until well into college. In fact, my virginity became something of a contest among my friends to see could arrange for me to make romance explosion w/ woman first. Fun at the time, but not so much in hindsight. I’m not necessarily advocating waiting, but just know that you really do “know” someone in a unique sense when you have sex w/ them, and vice versa. To confirm what you’ve expressed, you don’t want just anyone knowing you like that. I enjoy this site principally because it celebrates the value of taking reasonable effort to be an exceptional man. All that to say that it’s ok to not “fit in.” Notwithstanding your reasons for being a virgin, do you and don’t believe the hype.
I’m really enjoying the term “romance explosion with woman”.
I’m actually kind of in the same position. I’m 20 and still a virgin and get a lot of gripe about it from my friends. I’ve had a girlfriend before but I ended it after a couple of months when I realized she was nuts. My problem is that I haven’t really found anyone I’m interested in as well as if I do they don’t feel the same way or they are a good friend and I really don’t want to ruin that friendship and make it awkward. So what am I to do?
You can’t have the sweet without the sour, my man (and a million other cliches about not taking the first step/wanting to take a chance with someone/something). There’s absolutely zero chance you can predict how a relationship will work out without being in it and giving it a shot, so don’t use your friends’ bad experiences as your benchmark.
Steven mentions that he wants his first time having sex to be with someone he “at least like[s].” Um, bro, if you go a restaurant every day and can’t find anything to eat – it might not be because the food’s bad – it just might be your taste. After 24 years on this planet and not finding a single girl (or guy, who knows) that you have a romantic inkling towards – I’d say you’re looking in the wrong place, or have set some sort of standards that might not be realistic.
Nothing wrong with doing what you’re doing, but from a totally outside perspective it seems like you’re only limiting yourself from experiencing a big part of life.
Wow, this is pretty crazy. I’m also 24, never had a gf and am still a virgin. I’ve been on a few dates that never went anywhere in college but haven’t done much romancing since. Maybe I think because since I’ve waited for so long I can wait a little longer for someone really good too? But you need to just go out there and meet people.
Who knows, maybe that girl you thought wasn’t cool is actually super amazing. Give others and yourself a chance. There’s still time; remember that we’re young and probably awesome!
Wait until the right girl man. If she’s a decent woman it won’t matter, plus, women like to take those ‘v cards’ too. They collect them like the pelts of animals. You might even find another virgin and be eachother’s first and be the best you’ve both ever had. **also, don’t go into the bedroom without some technique. Just because you haven’t had any field experience doesn’t mean you can’t study the manuals.
As in the words of the classic film Ikiru, “Life is so short / Fall in love…”
But on a more topical note, I think Beth is spot on: “but you show almost no interest in getting started in your dating life.” If you expect to cherry-pick a potential candidate from OKC who fulfills your criteria checklist and is listed as a 95% match, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Just go have fun (eg: drinks, hiking, whatever) with people. And if you both develop feelings, fantastic!
…and if it’s only you? You’ll get over it. And you might even become a deeper person have having felt those feelings the first time.
/My two cents. Tip the doorman if you don’t like ’em.
Yikes…lots of virgins on here. Not sure what that says about the Dappered community.
Stop worrying about your damn wingtips and get laid, people.
I am 35 years old. I’ve had 1 girlfriend, whom I married and then divorced a year later. And that all happened from age 31-33. Never dated before then. I am painfully shy. I am a good looking guy by a lot of people’s standards, but that doesn’t help me because they never believe me when I tell them about my lack of dating life. I feel your pain. I started focusing on what women want, then doing those things that I genuinely enjoy. I’m in shape, financially stable, employed, etc. I started doing crossfit, got my MBA, which has changed my life. The more you have to focus on, the less you’ll dwell on what you don’t have.
I wanted to post, but why bother….. Spot on!
All women cant be all things. enjoy their variety.
“Smile at one girl you don’t know every day.” is awesome advice.
I worry that he is creating a lot of expectations based on what he’s seen. Like LV said, it’s a danger to fall into the trap where you get too attached, just because she’s the first.
It’s very important to actually experience some hardships first hand so you can deal with them.
For a Dappered analogy, that’s like buying your only suit based on how the style looks on your friends. Part of a relationship is how you act with the person, not just the kind of person you choose. Would you rather make your relationship mistakes with your so-called ‘perfect’ girl or get some of those learning experiences out of the way before it really has to count?
Easy Robert. While I agree in the basic principal with your last bit: https://dappered.com/2011/12/the-importance-of-not-overthinking-your-look/ …the testosterone is getin’ a little thick here. Melky Cabrera thick.
I apologize. Just wanted to get my point across clear and I am posting from my phone. My advice is my own opinion from my own similar experiences. I still believe that Steven should take care of himself before worrying about women. Secondly, being a virgin shouldn’t be a worry, and even if girls do ask, bring honest is the best approach. Finally, promiscuity is very common and the definition of being in a relationship is being redefined every day. People have very different thoughts on sex before it happens. Just trying give a different point of view rather than waiting for substance. After all, I was in a very similar position and thought the exact same way. I apologize for the language, that’s how I “function”.
I think you are too worried about still being a virgin. Honestly it is not a big deal, and when it happens it happens. Relationship wise, wait. There is nothing to rush. Virgin wise , there is the possibility of casual encounters but that might be a whole other article.
Thanks for your input, Beth, and all the commenters!
Part of the reason for my almost non-existent dating life is in fact as what Beth has rightfully pointed out: witnessing failed relationships. But, that’s only part of it. Truth be told, I haven’t put in all my effort into my dating life. Instead I’ve focused on my career development and independence instead (which I should add just paid off because I just accepted my dream job). My peers might have the time, energy, commitment, means, and ability to be fricken awesome at everything, but I have found that I (sadly) can’t do it all. That is not to say I don’t try. I’ve been on dates (not lately though), but the feelings are never mutual, and it has been pretty obvious for the person I date and for myself, and it always just ends amicably.
I hear a lot about how my standards might be too high. I see the logic of that statement, but still don’t agree with it. I agree that I can’t have everything, but I simply refuse to believe there isn’t someone out there who I can be attracted to more than just on a platonic level, and vice-versa. And before someone tells me that I need to work harder at pursuing those who don’t reciprocate my romantic feelings for them, I will say that I have often made a fool out of myself trying to do that, so it’s not like I haven’t tried. I like to believe that I’m not putting whoever will be my first anything on a pedestal, or that it will be the definitive “one.” I don’t know how else to say it, but I just want a relationship with someone that I like more than just a friend.
I’m comfortable with who I am overall. Not having been in a
relationship before and still being a virgin doesn’t bug me much, except when other people make a big deal out of it and make it sound like I’m a freak because I didn’t want to have sex with just any girl that comes on to me. If a girl doesn’t have sex with just any guy that hits on her, she’s not a slut. But if a guy doesn’t have sex with just any girl, then there’s something wrong with him? Yeah, sure, social norms; you can go screw yourself. I will definitely try to be more outgoing and take some advice that everybody offered and try to be receptive to who’s out there, but there’s no way of changing whether or not I’m attracted to their personality and physical looks. If someone can tell me how to mentally lower my apparently high standards, then I’m all ears. Drugs and alcohol don’t work–I’ve tried (kidding, about the drugs, anyways).
Worth mentioning: Nikola Tesla lived his entire life celibate. And he’s just about the most badass person ever. http://theoatmeal.com/comics/tesla
Ah, the “friend zone.” I’ve been there. I’ve also successfully navigated a friendship into a lasting relationship, which although it ended was always on good terms. I’ve had drunk party hookups with friends only twice, and both times the sex was lousy.
The good news, always worth remembering, is the members of the fairer sex struggle awkwardly with this stuff just as much as we do. You can be blunt and direct if need be. My only piece of advice: regardless of what you decide to do, be a goddamn gentleman about it!
You still haven’t mentioned what it is you’re looking for in a girl. So from the outside looking… You just seem too picky, or don’t care enough to make finding a girlfriend a priority. From your last comment, it seems like that latter.
Dating requires a modicum of effort, and it seems you were more focused on your career. Not wrong – but also not conducive to a life in search of a significant other.
Now that you have that dream gig, you might have more time to date and experiment with women of all flavors. Try focusing less on what women aren’t, and focus more on what they can offer. I’ve had plenty of relationships that never materialized into anything serious – doesn’t mean those relationships weren’t cherished and valued. And i never once had to lower my standards or settle.
Don’t over-think this. Sex is overrated – it’ll come. But these are the absolute best years of your life. Women will never be as exciting, enticing, vibrant, wild, adventurous, energetic, confusing, frustrating, infuriating, and just overall… a roller coaster ride of emotions as they are in their early to mid to late twenties. Go out and soak them in.
Vulnerability is Power…
Steven, I can share a similar story of one of my best friends from college. He is the best guitarist I have ever known and, in college, all of the ladies loved him. They would openly flirt with him like crazy. But he didn’t like most of them and didn’t date them, kiss them, or anything of the sort. He was simply waiting for the right woman. After undergrad, he went to one of the best law schools in the country and is now serving as a JAG officer in the Marines. He is married and has two children. The first girl he ever kissed was his wife. He was spared from a lot of hardship by doing things this way. The key is that he knew what he wanted, which was to wait until he found a girl he could marry, but he also developed his social relationships with many people. So, even though he wasn’t dating, his social skills were excellent. I want to encourage you like some of the other commenters to go at your own pace and everything will fall into place.
Just google rooshv . Simple straightforward fix to many of the GIANT mistakes I’m sure you’ve been making. Ignore most of his anti feminism rants and focus on his dating advice / strategies. Ignore all the hate that will come with this comment. As a 24 year old virgin this is basically your only option.
Well first, I wouldn’t tell any woman he meets he’s a virgin. She doesn’t need to know. If the opportunity comes up, he should just go slow and not try to be in charge and nature will take its course. Second, he might just be asexual, or he might just be gay. Has he sat down to have a talk with himself about either?
I was the same too, never dated until 25, never kissed a girl until 26 and virgin until 27 and I thought the same way you did too. I had lots of female friends, and “hang out” (but not date) with a few of them, but never did came a relationship.
I think my problem is that I somehow convinced myself that I won’t go for a girl unless I “fall” for her, but my brain is wired in such a way that I can’t really “fall” for a girl until I have known them intimately. I sort of comprised and lowed my “standard” and went for a girl that I think is okay not didn’t really “fall” for. Well, she end up to be more important in my life than I ever imagined, too bad I only realized that after that relationship came to an end. I guess the lesson is here, don’t be afraid of failing at relationships and you can’t tell if a women is the one until you really known her in a relationship.
I was in the same situation at 23. It was never a problem for anyone but me.
that hurts. Too soon for a melky comment. we’re still recovering in sf