Snob noun \ˈsnäb\ – one who has an offensive air of superiority in matters of knowledge or taste
1. Shoe Snobs
Claims to have never owned a pair of shoes that cost less than $200 retail. Except for that one time when he bought a pair in a department store for $100, and he SWEARS they disintegrated in his hands as soon as he took them out of the box. The horror. Believes those who wear shoes with soles that are glued to the uppers might as well be wearing Kleenex boxes on their feet. Has a 12 month calendar with glossy photos of his favorite shoe lasts. Hasn’t spoken to his brother-in-law since the buffoon had the audacity to wear bluchers instead of oxfords to his wedding. Before having his appendix taken out, demanded a Goodyear Welt post removal so he could show off the scar to his friends.
2. Automatic Watch Snobs
Announces at every given opportunity that he would never spend more than $50 on a quartz watch, and even then, could never smile while wearing it. Always asks “does that thing have a battery?” before asking someone for the time. Sees no issue with his electric powered watch winder. Believes that when Pandora’s box was opened there was nothing but a lump of quartz inside. Wishes cars still came with cranks. For the bedroom: never latex, always lambskin.
3. Tailoring Snobs
Measures his trouser break in eighths, not halves. Is horrified when he sees pictures of himself and somehow he’s not showing 1/4″ of shirt cuff. Last wore an off the rack suit during his first communion. Holds his breath when walking by standard neck and sleeve dress shirts in Macy’s. Refuses to lose the ten pounds his Doctor told him to shed for fear of collar gap. Doesn’t know how to sew on a button.
4. Tradition & Rules Snobs
Took a belt to his son when he caught the young man wearing a suit beltless. Believes the notch collar tux jacket is the designated hitter of the black tie world. “They’re not pants. They’re trousers.” Thinks a tie without a dimple is as attractive as a boil on a butt cheek. Filed a complaint with H.R. the first time he saw someone wear jeans to the office (it was a Friday, and it was New Year’s Day.) When flying, always carries a sewing kit and a selection of brass and gold buttons in his carry-on. Y’know, just in case his seat neighbor is wearing a navy blazer with dark buttons, and the guy is willing to let him swap them out after takeoff.
5. The Anti-Snob Snobs
Known to assemble and publish lists of snobs, yet fails to recognize that by doing so he projects an air of superiority which could easily be considered snobbish. Hopes his list will be seen as tongue-in-cheek by all, and none take serious offense. Except for those who are actual judgmental turds. They can, in fact, take offense.
Originally Published 11/22/11