Ask A Woman: “I asked not to be tagged. She tagged me.”
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Beth-
This past weekend, I was out to dinner with a girl I had just recently started dating. I enjoy spending time with her but I’ve also made it clear that I’m casually dating others and not looking for a major commitment at the moment. She agreed and said she was feeling the same way.
We were sitting at the bar having a cocktail before our reservation and she asked the bartender to take a photo of us. She really liked the picture and said she wanted to put it on Facebook. I asked kindly not to be tagged as I don’t like everyone being able to see my photos, which stirred some mixed emotions from her.
We sat down for dinner and had a good time. The next morning, I get back from some errands and receive a Facebook notification in my email. Sure enough, she tagged me in the photo with her. I de-tagged myself shortly afterwards and prepared for the shitstorm to come, which certainly did.
I always like being in control of my surroundings but in retrospect, there was no easy way out of this one. I think it’s fairly obvious this was a test to see how I would respond. Unfortunately, this ended in her getting upset because she felt I was ashamed of her. That’s certainly not the case, I just wasn’t prepared to answer the questions that would certainly follow by numerous people. How would you handle this situation?
– Tom
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Hi Tom,
Well, as is the case with so many matters of the heart, there’s not an answer for this question that both gets you off the hook and soothes the wounded feelings of this woman. But I can offer you some insight into what happened here, so that you can at least understand better, and perhaps be more prepared in the future (though truly, you did nothing wrong).
When you told this woman that you were casually dating other people and not interested in a commitment, she either really did agree that she felt the same way, or she wanted to save face so she said that she felt the same way when in fact she did not. Here’s something sort of complicated about women in general (and you know I try to avoid generalities about women, but I do think this one is true). Even if she was really dating other people and not interested in a commitment from you, she probably felt a little bit bad about hearing you say it aloud. I suspect some men might have the same reaction. We all want to feel like we’re the most important, even if the person who we want to feel that way is not most important to us. Follow? Maybe hearing you say that she’s not your one and only inspired a bit of jealousy and self-doubt.
BUT, I don’t think your gal falls in that first category. I think she was saving face by saying she agreed with you. My proof? She asked the bartender to take a photo of you two. Now, I know we live in a narcissistic society where we feel compelled to record every second of our lives and then post it on Facebook and Twitter like other people care that we “Just got the laundry done! Ready to relax with a glass of wine and an episode of Say Yes to the Dress!” But if she thought what you had was a casual arrangement (especially since you just started seeing her), she wouldn’t have wanted/needed a photo of you at the bar, that she then turned around and posted on FB.
Now, to be honest, I can understand why she may have bristled when you asked her not to tag you. What she heard was, “I don’t want my friends to know we were hanging out.” I know you didn’t say that, but that’s what she heard. And me? I would have felt the same way. But…that’s where two roads diverged on a Facebook page, and she, she took the road that boxed you into a cage, and that made all the difference. She should have respected your wishes. You call it a test to see what your reaction would be; I call it childishness.
How to avoid this in the future? In this day of social media, extreme sharing, and instant information, I don’t think it’s easy. You sound like a reasoned, mature individual who was upfront and honest and made his wishes clear. Well, Tom, most people aren’t like that. I would know, I’ve done the legwork. The only solution I’ve come up with is to not be friends on Facebook with women you’re casually dating . But that again will cause some conflict, surely. “Why don’t you want to be my FB friend? What are you hiding from me?” Bottom line–Do what makes you feel most comfortable and realize that you’re not responsible for the reactions of other people.
-Beth
Got a question for Beth? Send them to: askawoman@dappered.com
There is an option on FB that makes it so you have to approve tags of this nature….just saying.
Gonzo is correct. But I might consider aborting this relationship if she is a kook like that. FB is retarded and I don’t know why everyone thinks it’s perfectly fine to post anything they want about anyone. For example, I am going away on vacation soon with my brother and our girlfriends. My brother posted that we are going away and the weeks we are going. I don’t like FB knowing when I am not home. Just as I don’t like anyone being able to post on my wall or tag me in photos. So I had him remove the post, which actually, I had to approve for it to appear on my page anyway. I prefer to choose what information of mine is broadcasted to the web and for her not to respect that and then have a meltdown when you stood your ground is irrational.
Sorry for reiterating what the 2 people above already said, but they’re both correct, and THAT would be have been the best way of handling it. If you go to your privacy settings, you can turn on tag reviewing so no one can tag you until you approve it (the picture still goes up on THEIR wall, but you won’t be tagged and it won’t show on your timeline). In addition to that though, you can also set your timeline so people can’t see photos you’ve been tagged on on yours. I suggest setting both of those choices to your liking. In fact, everyone looking for a job should change these settings because the scary thing about FB is you never know what your crazy friends are gonna post/tag on your wall, and your employers WILL check your FB page.
Also, he was right to ask to not to be tagged as that’s the respectful thing to request. But clearly this girl isn’t the type of girl that respects others’ wishes. Keep it casual with this one.
He asked her not to tag. She tagged. He was perfectly within his rights to remove the tag. She sounds like trouble and he’s OK without her. End of story.
I know I’m in the minority here, and it’s easy for this rant to get preachy, which I’m not trying to be. But… this site has a undertone (overtone) of “how to be a better man.” Whose picture of a man involves being concerned–in any way–with online noise like facebook? The preening that goes into making a profile, the need to deal with the drama of things like picture tags, and the compulsion that (many) people feel about checking Facebook… none of these are the domain of a confident, independent man (or woman!).
Write a letter, using a pen. Put it in an envelope and set it to a friend. If you want to go real crazy, print a photo and put it in the envelope. See how that act makes you feel, and notice the response you get from the recipient.
So, I’d go one step beyond Beth’s advice to “not be friends on Facebook with women you’re casually dating.” Try getting off of Facebook. It can be tough at first, but so can making your diet healthier or going to the gym. Then, then next time this comes up, you don’t have to stoop to “please don’t tag me in this picture,” or “I’m sorry I can’t be your online buddy.” You say “I’m not on Facebook.” Problem solved, and, dignity saved.
Yup, learn how to take advantage of those privacy settings. Facebook gets a lot of crap for privacy concerns but their privacy settings are pretty advanced, in my opinion. For example, you could even keep a picture or status visible to one person, but invisible to everyone else. This makes it less awkward when you HAVE to be facebook friends with someone you can’t avoid (like co-workers) but want to hide some aspects of your life.
Social media aspect aside, it seems like she tagged you just to claim her territory. A sort of “yes, he’s dating other people but I’m looking to make him mine.” I don’t know, but I would personally shrug this off depending on where she falls on the Hot vs Mentally Crazy scale
Run for the hills, my friend, run and don’t look back.
I actually met my wife on facebook. I found her because of our mutual love of a pop band from Miami called the Postmarks. It’s highly unlikely that she and I would have ever met had it not been for that, so I thought it might be nice to throw in something about facebook being the cause of a relationship and not the end of one 😛
Ah…the old “Vicki Mendoza Diagonal.” A useful tool to be sure…
So being a “man” is resorting to 20th century communication and sending written mail? Maybe that’s an old “man”, but not the modern man.
Also, lying to her and saying that you aren’t on Facebook and then she does a search and finds out that you lied is a better resolution than doing what he did and just being honest with her and communicating his wishes?
I don’t think he did anything wrong here. If she doesn’t like or isn’t comfortable with what he wants and the way he feels about their current relationship, that sounds like her problem not his. She should respect the pace he wants to go at and if she doesn’t like it she can find someone else to date.
I’ll save my comments on some of your naive remarks. In this day and age, many businesses and individuals use FB and similar sites to expand their product awareness. Preening to make a profile? Keep in mind this very site you seem to speak for has a FB page.
I might be in the minority here, but’s it’s all on you dude. There were other options. You could have ignored the approval to tag and let it sit un-approved indefinitely, or you can leave the tag but hide it from your timeline, so the only people who can see it are the pepole who can see her timeline/photos.
These days you have to almost assume everything a girl does is put on facebook whether it’s just a check-in, a status update, or a pic. Yes, you are sending the message that you are ashamed to be with her. Even though you said that wasn’t the case, it is too late. When dealing with girls it’s not about what you really meant, it’s about how she interprets it.
“I just wasn’t prepared to answer the questions that would certainly follow by numerous people.” Does ‘numerous people’ really mean all the other girls you are casually dating? You couldn’t possibly be worried aobut what your actual friends would say. Have you had the same conversation about seeing other people and not being srious to these other girls?
My other thought – was she ugly/fat? If she were hot, you could use that in your favor to make the other girls you are dating (or potentially could date) jealous.
I have a little problem here with the entire deal. It’s definitely fine to date multiple girls casually, particularly if you’re up front about it with all of them.
I’m all for being honest with girls (particularly in this sort of situation) and I have offended a few before with said honesty, but am I the only one who gets a little skeptical reading about the
situation here? Aside from the easy fixes of keeping your facebook
relatively private with privacy settings, if he’s just dating (all of
said) girls casually, who cares if you have a picture with a girl on your facebook? Seems like there may be more to the story here…
Some people want to keep their dating life separate from the rest of their life, especially if it’s only casual. A lot of questions can come when you’re suddenly tagged in a date-type picture with a girl that your normal circle of friends don’t know.
I personally deleted my facebook account a while ago to avoid situations like these.
If he liked her enough (if she was hot enough) he would want people to see that he was hanging out with her. A pretty good strategy by her actually to quickly find out what his real opinion is of her. Clearly he’s not that into her, so they are both better off. Everyone moves on. This is not a Facebook issue. Facebook is just being used as a tool in this scenario, as it should be.
or you can hide all pictures from other people, or just allow them to see your profile pictures…
ABORT!
The gentleman thing to do would be to remove the tag without making a fuss. Then casually never call her again… No fuss no muss. She sounds like trouble anyways.
Likewise you can select “Remove from Profile” which will leave you tagged on her end, but remove the photo from any listing of photos of you as well as your timeline.
My experience has been that you generally can’t casually date several women without this sort of thing happening regularly. All you can do is be consistent, honest and respectful. Women seem to say they are okay with this sort of thing but most aren’t. You can still casually date, just be very careful not to end up as a jerk. You end up being presented with regular instances where being a jerk is the easier path to take. Again, in my experience, this lifestyle can be led but it’s a minefield full of sobbing ladies. Good luck!
Further proof that facebook is the all time worst.
All depends on how hot she is; this calls for the Hot/Crazy Scale.
Edit: Looks like Rs beat me to the HIMYM reference.
A study was done recently which found that Facebook users fall into two general categories: there are people who use Facebook to communicate and share (an article, a joke, a photo), and people who use Facebook to broadcast and draw attention to themselves. Something to think about…if you are the first type of Facebook user, you might not be compatible with the second type. I have a friend who was basically driven from Facebook entirely because his wife is such a raging narcissist on Facebook that he had to distance himself.
That’s fine, as long as she doesn’t reach the “Shellie Gillespie Zone.”
From what I’ve read, I’m probably the only Dappered reader with a public profile then.
I was in a very similar situation recently. I went on a date with a woman, and sent a friend request, and I accepted, but put her in “restricted” status so she couldn’t see everything on my page or post on it. That was a bit clumsy, because it was obvious to her that she couldn’t access all my info. But, it brought us to the conversation where I said that I really don’t like to have any romantic information on facebook, because it overshares with friends and even with acquaintances that I only know so well.
We eventually started dating exclusively, and I made her a full-fledged “friend”, which was nice, because we could share invitations to events, funny stories etc. But I did and do not post my relationship status, and while she changed hers, she knew not to list me as her partner. We have (sadly, but necessarily) broken up since then. I can choose the people with whom I discuss the break-up, and for her, the breakup was broadcast to her world. I believe she’s now had 2nd thoughts about publicizing relationship info on facebook.
She ignored a very simple request, it’s that simple. The rest of it is speculation that seems to be based on female stereotypes, which is pretty sad. Why would he want to keep seeing a girl who can’t just accept that he doesn’t want to be tagged? What difference does it make why she did it? We can’t really know anyway.
Sounds like she was saving face and telling you what you wanted to hear. Meanwhile she decided to mark her territory.. or as I call it: “peeing on your wall.” Some (younger) women try make themselves known by “liking” every one of your status updates, comment, and pictures and tagging you to let everyone know you were together.
To avoid this kind of thing, I think it’s fine to let people know that you don’t like to put all of your personal whereabouts and comings and goings on Facebook. I would not even have brought up casually dating other women… especially if it was not solely about that.
The other thing is that you can setup your Facebook settings to 1) require all tags to be approved by you or 2) not allow tagged photos to be visible by other people.
The problem with Facebook though is that no matter what your privacy settings are, you can’t control everything. For example, when I share a photo with my friends list, I can guarantee that one of my family members who aren’t privacy-savvy will reshare that photo publicly… which defeats my whole purpose.
I agree, but casual dating or not, a woman will quickly get jealous if they SEE you with another woman. Also, there is the aspect of family and friends asking annoying questions.
Agreed. Some people don’t have tact when it comes to post privacy and the underlying risks involved in what is being shared. I know people who post their every waking moment on Facebook and have had their houses burglarized. Friends on Facebook are not always friends.
Just delete your facebook and you will never have this problem again. There are some positives to facebook, but overall it is a waste of time and will mostly likely cause you stress (especially in this type of dating situation). Just a thought to consider.
Oh I agree. He was well within his rights to request she not tag him, and she’s kind of desperate for doing so anyway. But…I can’t help but think that her probable thought – he doesn’t want his friends to know he’s hanging out with me – is likely pretty accurate, actually. His letter suggests as much when he says he doesn’t want to answer any questions. If he’s the kind of person that keeps his entire FB on lockdown, and doesn’t allow any pics, then, well, ok. But something tells me he has other tagged pics with friends, but particularly wants to avoid tagged pictures with her, because he doesn’t intend on her being in his life very long and as anything more than a casual hookup. That’s fine – but the fact she’s mad/upset about that is fair especially if she really likes him. It also depends on how long “recently” is. Was this the second date, or have they been seeing each other for two months? It makes a big difference.
Just to be clear, I don’t think he did anything wrong here either, and lying and *saying* you’re not on facebook (if you are), IS wrong. Additionally, if you use facebook as a big online directory of people–always up-to-date email addresses and a way to hear about (actual) friends big announcements, fine. But the question above is more indicative of how some (many?) people use FB for–a mix of voyeurism and narcissism, with a dose of invasion-of-privacy thrown in….
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/05/is-facebook-making-us-lonely/8930/ Yes, letters are old fashioned. And most the time a text, phone call, email, is great. But getting something with a stamp is still special.
RPTS!
Beth was trying to inform you of the subtlety going on. There is more than one way to communicate a message. For you to come out and say it flat out that you will not be seeing her exclusively is actually a little harsh. If you keep things light and casual with her, and don’t integrate her too much into your life, then she’ll get that message. It might be a good thing this happened though, as it definitively says that she’s not ready to come into it on the same terms you are.
“Facebook f***s it up for all the playas”