Zombies have nothing on these nightmares. Style is timeless. And while some trends start, take hold, and eventually jettison the world of fashion to blend with classic style, the vast majority of trends have a half-life shorter than the careers of the Jonas Brothers.
Like the costumes you’ll see tonight, some trends are more frightening than others. Also, trends in style aren’t always rooted in clothing shapes, colors, and production. Sometimes they’re a shift in how we present ourselves through our actions. Your additions to the list should go in the comments. And if at any point during these ten you need to close your eyes, you go right ahead.
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Ex Girlfriend Jeans: Levi’s Super Skinny Ex Girlfriend – $68.00
Named after the type of jeans a woman would accidentally leave behind at her ex-boyfriend’s placee. Which leads to two points worth noting: 1. If that scenario actually took place, why would you ever put them on? And 2. If you did, face it son, she’s better off without you.
Drop Crotch Pants: ASOS Drop Crotch Chinos – $57.50
What one presumably wears if the swelling won’t go down after wearing Ex-Girlfriend jeans. Moderation in all things. Especially when it comes to breathing room for your junk.
Beyond Bad Moustaches
Tomorrow is the start of Movember. And a moustache grown to raise awareness about men’s health issues is more than just fine. But for the other 11 months of the year, the solo soup strainer has no place unless you look like Wilford Brimley or Sam Elliott. What was once limited to cops and then sprouted up on hipsters, the ‘stache has spread to normal guys who are just looking to try something out. And it’s not the best idea. Women hate them.
The Ever Present Smart-Phone
Droid, iPhone, Blackberry, whatever… if you think someone looks preoccupied walking around with a bluetooth earpiece hanging out of their head, then setting your phone on the table during happy hour (or even bringing it in with you when there’s no reason to) isn’t really all that much better. It’ll be fine in the car.
The odd scarf / t-shirt combination
Now that the slouchy beenie thing is going away, it appears some who were addicted to those frumpy hats need some other winter accessory to wear with their t-shirts. The only logical next step after this is mittens at the beach.
Men not knowing how to sew on a button
A trend of a different kind. There were warning signs we’d get to this point. When one kid shows up to the Scout meeting with merit badges stapled to his sash, that’s a tragic anomaly. When there’s a patrol worth of them walking around using a Swingline as their chosen method of mending, there’s an epidemic coming. Fast forward a decade or two and a solid portion of men between the ages of 18 – 35 don’t know how to sew a button on a shirt. It’s not even close to being this complicated, but this video is plenty helpful.
Underwear with inexact waist measurements
Between this, the drop crotch, and the Ex-Girlfriend jeans, we’re all suffering through the dark ages of crotchdom. Once upon a time your underwear was made in exact waist sizes like 30, 31, and 32. Now much of it is small (30-32) medium (32-34) and so on. That’s way too much room for error. Dialed in accuracy would be greatly appreciated.
Tucking pants into boots
This is getting awfully close to wearing a watch on the outside of a shirt cuff. Women can get away with tucking their pants into their boots because their pants are much tighter and their boots are much taller (and they look better than us.) Now, if you’re wearing ex-girlfriend jeans and knee highs, well then hell… go for it at that point.
Enormous Logos
Some guys have a completely understandable zero tolerance policy when it comes to wearing logos. They just can’t do it. But for the brands that just can’t help themselves, take a look at how car makers do it. There’s a reason why the hood ornament isn’t the size of a hub cap.
The explosion of man jewelery
Unless your last name is “Depp,” stacking bracelets on top of bracelets can come off as inauthentic. Like you want a tattoo, but that’s too permanent. And if 67-year-old Tony LaRussa has more necklaces draped around his neck than pitchers he has in his bullpen, then the jewelery = rebel equation might not longer be valid.
Additions to this list should go in the comments below. And as always, almost anything can be pulled off if the right person is wearing it, so no offense should be taken if a trend hit too close to home. Except for the drop crotch pants.
1. YES YES YES on the giant logos. I’m OK with a tiny horse. But one the size of my chest? Heck NO!
2. I disagree on the phone. It’s the sign of the times. As long as your face isn’t buried in it the whole time, you’re ok in my book.
Haha, I agree with all of these. Just learned to sew buttons a few months ago. The pants are awful, as are giant logos.
I’ve seen some pics from lookbooks with well-fitting pants tucked into very cool boots with thick wool socks. It may be a look that only works for models who’ve been professionally styled, but it looked cool there at least.
The only dudes who should ever tuck their pants into their boots are paratroopers. Those guys are badas* so normal rules don’t apply.
This article is spot on. I’m all for turning phones off when you are trying to have quality conversation time.
1. I also disagree with the phone. Sign o’ the times. Turning the phone off? Sure. Not texting? You bet. Leave your smartphone in the car? Uh, no.
2. I have to head to India, next year, to train an underperforming unit of my company (and my probable replacements) and I plan on rocking a ‘stache. Part of it is a cultural thing and the other part is that it will be one of few chances in life to actually have one (yes, the GF hates ’em)
I think that tucking pants into boots has a functional background that can, at times, justify its use. For example, shoveling a buried driveway, or trudging through slush in March–these are times when the function of a boot is not just to keep your feet warm, but to protect your pants. That being said, I also think that the right person can pull it off at any time–though it takes a very specific kind of style.
For me, one of the scariest trends right now is the move towards all things 1970’s.
I’d love to leave my phone in the car, except I actually can’t 90% of the time for work, not to mention that’s how anyone gets a hold of you to meet up. Also, I don’t have a car (NYC).
11. Related to the phone issue: Men whose sole method of telling time is whipping out their smart phone. A watch is a highly functional and stylish addition to a man’s wardrobe and it will always be faster (and classier) to glance at your writst than to pull your phone out of your pocket.
I agree with the smartphone thing…no need to have it turned on unless #1 you’re a doctor on call or #2 your wife is pregnant. However, here in Chicago, I’d prefer not to leave it in my car–my pocket is fine.
Many a snide, angry emails were sent from this household to Hanes customer service when they switched from exact sizing to S M L sizing on their drawers. The terrorists have won.
I recently bought a pair of Sorel boots with the lined top edge and many times my pants won’t fit down over them. Either I tuck them in, or let them bunch at the top. I feel if you have the right boot it could work.
Embroidered tribal tattoo style designs on collared shirts are heinous.
What if the ladies are calling non-stop thanks to my Superbowl poster?
I am an Indian guy. I stay in Bangalore and I can assure you that it’s not a “cultural” thing. Yes, you would usually find more men in South India sporting mustaches (sometimes of the variety mentioned in this article) but a vast majority do not have mustaches.
So unless “AlwaysBeenTim” is a moniker for “Tom Selleck” I think you are better off without a mustache in India as well.
Being glued to your smartphone is a sign of an inflated sense of self-importance, unless you’re on the UN Security Council, holding the launch codes for NORAD, an on-call doctor, or an agent for CTU. The ‘sign of the times’ argument is just an attempt to rationalize cloddish behavior, just like people who say correct grammar doesn’t matter in the Internet age.
I’m a bit iffy when it comes to the ‘stache. Especially being that my buddies and I usually participate in “No-Shave November” every year. Plus, I’ve been getting a lot of compliments about my beard. Some women think its sexy.
As for the bracelets, I wear 2, 3 the most. Any more than that will be overkill.
Cheers Fellas
Joe, you dark horse, you. A Sound of Music reference on a Dappered post? How about a related post on how to fashion a new suit from a pair of drapes, for the stylish, song-filled, Alpine, Nazi-fighter on a budget?
Also, amen on the t-shirt with scarf trend.
One addition: Epaulets – not them specifically, but the fact that they appear of everything. Hard to find a shoulder without them sometimes.
Agree 100%. Cell phones are great… for calling people. A watch is what you use to tell the time.
There are few things more irritating than trying to hang out with someone who is constantly whipping out their phone to respond to the latest text message from god-knows-who. I don’t care if you’re on a date or not. Ignoring the person you’re actually with because you are too busy fiddling with your phone, checking on things that you could easily check on two hours from now, is just plain rude, period. If there’s a more effective way to tell the person you’re with that you find them completely boring, humanity has yet to think of it.
If you have to check your phone in the midst of conversation, you should at least excuse yourself and apologize afterward, the same as if you interrupt a conversation to answer a phone call.
Ah, Prateek. You are killing my illusions! Well, I am going to be in Pune which can’t really be considered the south but all of the guys in my department have one. Might not be cultural but I can say that they seemed genuinely amused by decision to join the moustache brigade. I can’t imagine that they would hold it against me if I didn’t so I’ll hold on my decision.
I might not be able to go full Selleck but I thought I could rock out a little Burt Reynolds!
I don’t believe I’ve ever seen underwear in an exact waist size, just like I’ve never seen athletic shorts, sweat pants, or pajama bottoms in an exact waist size. I don’t really see the point when there’s an elastic waist. Maybe I’m missing out…
Hell yeah on all of these. Especially on #10. If you wear that much braided “jewelry” you need to be in middle school…
A ‘stache is like a velvet sportcoat, only more so.
True, some of them look aweful, e.g. the overblown waxed handlebars or the wispy one in the pic above. Also true, the majority of women are bigoted against them. But in my experience, the women who DO like them are women you’d like to spend some time with.
I grew a mustache when I went to India and it was awesome! BUT I look sort of stupid in all my pics. I’d say, maybe not. I was in Pondicherry.
Meh, watches are an anachronism. They don’t provide enough functionality to justify their existence.
If you want to wear one as jewelry, fine, but that’s not for me.
I honestly don’t know where my phone is half the time. I went clear into late afternoon today without it. But, I used my watch plenty (stupid 2 hour only parking blocks). It all depends on what you prefer.
Per the window treatment suiting request: That’s a tough one. It’d probably be easier to figure out how to keep a wave upon the sand.
Per the Epaulets: Agreed. When they started putting them on sweaters, I got confused.
Oh man. 32 waist is perfect for me. Medium = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwhC0Jurdtw&feature=player_embedded
Yep, just sharing my viewpoint, but no disrespect towards others’ intended.
Absolutely. Unless you’re wearing a sun dial on your wrist. (which, would be kinda awesome.)
I dunno Sal.. the whole “justifying their existence” thing seemed kind of all-encompassing 😉
Somebody explain the drop-crotch phenomenon to me.
In my opinion, the looser the drop, the less you have occupying it.
If anything, a man using the word ‘meh’ is WAY more of an anachronism than wearing a watch!
I generally agree with everything in here, especially phones. Gentleman, have some decency.
As for the 3 on the Polo arm, it is generally the captain of the Polo team that wears that number (similar to 10 in soccer), which is why they put it on every sleeve.
If I may add one, I would suggest men stop sagging pants. It hurts my soul. Thanks.
Justify their existence in my life
If you don’t mind a woman’s POV – I would agree w/everything on this list. The jeans, and drop crotch, along with pants tucked in boots and ‘stache make you look like a clueless dbag. Only Johnny the D can really rock the wristlets, and we all hated the damn beanie thing; the scarf (if possible) looks even dumber. Frankly, a good watch is sorely lacking on men’s wrists these days – functionality or lack thereof aside. Brilliant article!
Epaulets and western pockets. They can’t go away fast enough.
More power to cowboys and soldiers, but I am neither.
I co-sign the hate for the drop crotch. they look like the guys wearing depends diapers in hammer pants.
Have to completely disagree with you, Sal – though respect given for the pun, there.. Wristwatches are a much more recent addition to men’s wardrobes than a lot of other things we still wear, and functionally they are elegant in their simplicity. A guy doesn’t have to fumble in his pocket, pull the cell phone out of its case (if there is one; many people do use some sort of protector), turn it on, and all of that. Oh, and once it’s out, maybe I’ll just check that text message I see came in . . . In fact, I consider using the cell phone for telling time to be more of a throwback, because it has all the complicated motions of using a pocket watch, but none of the charm.
A man with a wristwatch can use a subtle turn of his wrist and a quick glance to tell the time, and if executed well, without drawing attention to himself, whether on a date or in a board meeting. Sometimes its okay to have a uni-tasker in your arsenal if it does its task very well. A watch is just such an item, even if it does often double as a man’s nod towards jewelry.
“But for the brands that just can’t help themselves, take a look at how
car makers do it. There’s a reason why the hood ornament isn’t the size
of a hub cap.”
The problem with this is that auto emblems have been swelling in size over the last several years at well. At least among the cars made for the masses. I will have to measure & compare the Spirit of Ecstasy on my Silver Ghost & Phantom Coupe.
Agree with you 100%. Oversized logos is not okay, I try not to wear anything with logos on it, with the exception of Polo, only because it’s impossible to get without the logo.
Also, as far as the phone goes, in 2011 there’s no way anyone will go out with their phone in the car. I mean, there’s a thing called Airplane mode for when you’re out with friends or whatnot. It allows you to keep the phone on, but be free from distracting emails and text messages, so you’re free to share videos/photos or even notes with your friends or clients.
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I guess its the B-Boy in me that wont die LOL, but I dig the Big Pony and Big Croc, I like to coordinate the colors of logo with somethin else im wearin.
I think a smartphone has its own charm as long as it’s not used in an obnoxious way.
When it concerns mobile phones, I turn it on silent when it’s happy hour with friends and it remains in my pocket. The only time it sees artificial lighting inside is when I feel it vibrating (I take a quick peek, and if it isn’t my mom or a sibling it goes back into darkness). It may be happy hour, but my full attention goes to the people I’m with, the game on the telly, and my choice of alcohol. If I want the time I check my wristwatch.
I HATE having a cellphone with me when I’m out with friends, it constantly distracts and draws attention away from the people I’m with.
Unfortunately, I’m soon to be that Doctor on Call.
agreed on everything else exept “Tucking pants into boots”…. the fucks wrong with that if u have the right boot? Even the example pic looks kind of okay… that’s what the boot sa are made for DS.
ah didn’t read the small print haha. agreed there…
some people can’t even pull off a suit….
One thing I’m seeing that needs to be brought up is guys wearing athletic polos i.e. Nike, Under Armour, Adidas, etc. as dressing “up”. There should be only a couple places those are worn, on the golf course and on the sidelines as a coach.
AlwayBeenTim, in Pune you can rock the handlebar. Cutural thing, yes, but about 400 years old. Get some local Maratha threads and a turban to go with it. Get enough photos and get rid of all of ’em, moustache included!
Sorry, Sal. Watches are style. Like ties, pocket squares. And of course, it’s a faster way to tell the time than a cellphone.
I would be interested in individually sized boxer briefs, but have never seen such a thing. Any idea where I might find something like that?
THIS (although I think everyone in the military does it, not just Airborne)
Lol.