Ask A Woman: Is it okay to consistently out-dress your significant other?
If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. And don’t worry, your identity will be protected too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com
Originally published 6/16/11ally.
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Hi Beth:
My girlfriend is quite a few years younger than I, giving me quite a bit more time to find my sense of personal style and build out my wardrobe – and I’m generally a bit more interested in fashion that she is. I’m often challenged by the balance between “dressing to look nice for her” and “not out-dressing her so much as to make her look like a schlump” (not that I ever think she looks like a schlump!)
As I’m sure you’ve seen, there are many couples out there in the world where the woman is dressed with some thought for how it looks and even with consideration for the outing or venue – and the guy apparently spent about 15 seconds rummaging through his closet for a t-shirt and a pair of jeans.
So what are your thoughts on the man in the relationship regularly, or semi-regularly, out-dressing the woman – even if it’s only by a smidge?
– Peter
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Oh Peter
Clearly you’re not a long-term reader otherwise you would have referenced this post, one of my first for Ask A Woman. What have you been reading all this time? It’s Glenn O’Brien over at GQ, isn’t it? Isn’t it? Damn you Peter! And damn you Mr. O’Brien with your snarky wit and impeccable taste! Guess what though? You’re not a woman! That’s right, sir, I have something (several somethings, in fact) that you don’t have. You and your…parts…will NEVER replace me here on AAW!
Your question is a little different from that other dude. He seemed more bothered by the discrepancy between he and his wife’s different tastes, and was wondering how to get his wife more interested in clothing and style. You seem simply to want to know what I think about a guy out-dressing his lady since it is much more common to see the other situation–a man less interested in his appearance while his significant other puts a lot of effort into her dress.
I think it’s totally fine for the man in a relationship to be more into clothing than the woman. It’s the new millenium for goodness sake (or should I say…for PETE‘s sake? sorry, it was too easy). Women are working outside the home; men are stay-at-home dads; up is down and left is right. Plus, a man taking an interest in clothing is hardly a new occurrence: Frank, James, Sean (I kid, here’s the real one), and so on. In fact, I would hazard a guess that many of the men visiting Dappered are in this same position. No worries, Peter.
Incidentally, I was interested in the statement, “My girlfriend is quite a few years younger than I, giving me quite a bit more time to find my sense of personal style.” My professor father, who has always had both a personal and academic interest in style (I know, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree) told me that he thinks he just recently figured out what his personal style is. This seems to mesh with what you’re saying, Peter, that figuring out what you like, what flatters you, can take years and years to master. I’m wondering how many other readers out there agree with this. That style is honed and developed over the years? If you do agree with this, what has helped you to figure out your personal style? Is it reading style blogs, flipping through magazines, just getting out there and going shopping? Also, why do you think it takes so long to figure out something as simple as what you like? I’d be interested to hear what you have to say in the comments section below.
-Beth
Got a question for Beth? Send them to: askawoman@dappered.com
People have different styles, some appearing more put together, others more casual. This guy’s post sounds just a little superior, if you ask me. What does girlfriend think of all this? If she’s OK as she is, he shouldn’t sweat it.
I think it comes down to what makes your girl comfortable. If she doesn’t mind than neither should you. But if your “out dressing” makes her uncomfortable maybe you need to skip the tie.
As soon as the next guy is wearing it, move on to something else or risk fitting in!
Oh, my style was definitely improved over the years. I think right where I am now is good, but hardly where I want to be. If I dressed today like how I dressed in HS, I’d still have the cubic zarconia stud in my left ear, be wearing a Sean John shirt one size too big, and be wearing jeans that would have to be pulled up whenever I take a step.
I think our tastes evolve (sounds rough coming from a raptor). I don’t think anyone is ever truly fine with where they are, because that would make life ever so boring.
I think more than finding what you like, the time necessary to “grow in” to your personal style is gaining the confidence to actually WEAR what you like. Too often you see the guys who look like they walked straight out of a catalog because they don’t have a personal sense of style. They know they want to be stylish, but can’t (or don’t have the confidence to) reconcile their personal taste with the barrage of style messages forced on them by mass media. It’s a matter of not only finding what looks good on YOU, but how to wear those things with confidence.
Haha I know EXACTLY how you feel. Hang in there Pete! She’ll figure it out. My girlfriend is 7 years younger, just finished up college, and has just recently openned her eyes from fleece, jeans, and flip-flops to dressing like a self aware human. Its adorable. I’m lucky that she tells me (and you know, according to her) how stylish I am. So she recognizes and appreciates these things which is a good sign of hope for her. If she was my age and dressed like she did it’d be a different story. And god knows how silly and clueless I looked when I was her age. We’re talking square toed shoes and long untucked dress shirt clueless. After two years together she’s made tremendous progress but I’d take her anyway she came. So proud of her. And maybe my best advice, and Beth would likely agree, gifting her with the right jewelry and accessories will spark her motivation to find her style.
Boy this sounds familiar. My wife’s actually 2 months older, but she’s a medical resident and doesn’t have time to think about much of anything aside from work, sleep and our twin toddlers. I, on the other hand, discovered AoM a while back, Dappered not long after and have been developing my personal style ever since. Not there yet, but having fun and looking good trying! It seems that I’m constantly out-dressing her these days, from around the pool (me in a Mossimo polo, a pair of well-fitting shorts and some canvas boat shoes, sans socks, her in an old baggy t-shirt and jean shorts) to a casual date night (poplin button down, dark shrunk-to-fit 501’s, and the same boat shoes vs. tank top, jean shorts and ON flip flops). That being said, usually it just results in me getting compliments on how good I look, so I can’t complain too much. I figure my quest for style may rub off on her, and if not, at least I’ll enjoy looking good and she seems to appreciate it, even if she does tease me about caring about shoes more than she does!
Beth! You took my question! Thanks!
– Only because I’ve lived with it my whole life will I forgive you the eponymous jokes at my expense =P
– Definitely not a long time reader – only found Dappered within the last few months. I’m slowly treading my way through the backlog of posts, though!
– Uh, I kinda didn’t do much fashion or style reading – I discovered Dappered among several others when I decided to start, well, reading about this stuff!<
Now, on the to meat of the topic – regarding the time it takes to develop one's personal style. I think it comes down to these few things:
1) The ever-changing landscape of fashion and trends makes it hard to find style. The proverbial “wheat from the chaff”
2) To quote one of my favorite stories (Carl Sagan’s Contact), “Small moves”. It just plain takes time to look, shop, buy, wear, assess, and repeat. Few people have the resources, knowledge, and moxie to reinvent themselves in a weekend of flurried shopping.
3) The 10,000 hour rule applies to many disciplines – I’m sure personal style can be counted amongst those.
4) Finding a resource to help you that fits your learning style.
For me, it really came down to just actually paying attention. When I saw clothes in stores or on the bodies of passersby that I actually liked, I tried to analyze why I liked it. From there it was just “practice”. I’ve stumbled over the years, going too trendy with some purchases, missing fit with others – that sort of thing. Learning by experience has worked for me.
Oh, and Loki – my GF is fine with how I dress – it’s one of the these she likes about me. The real challenge is that she often seeks my advice for her own wardrobe and I’m just terrible at helping women w/clothes =/
Two completely nitpicky, grammar obsessed observations as someone who tutors college students in writing, among other things. First “when he outdresses her” not “she”. He/she are nominative. Him/her are accusative/direct objects. Second, the letter to Beth has a misuse of “I” that is quite common. “She is quite a few years younger than I” should either be “than me” or “than I am”. I is only used in the nominative, when it is the subject of a verb.
Dressing well and speaking/writing well are two ways to make a good impression. Using good grammar is like wearing clothes that fit.
While the title of the article is only meant to be a tongue-in-cheek rhyme, you are the one misguided on the use of “I” and “me.” The (am) is actually optional at the end of a comparative sentence, and can be dropped. The full structure of the comparative would be, “She is quite a few years younger than I (am young).”
I suggest you take a peek in the mirror before advising others on how to dress, so to speak. 😉
Dari, Ryan’s right about the title. He and she rhyme. As far as the overall premise of your comment… man I don’t know what to say. Full honesty here, and I mean no offense, but… relax. You’ll make a better impression that way.
Why did you post this? Because it really bugged you that much? Or because you saw two grammar gaffes and just had to show the Internet that you knew better?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7E-aoXLZGY
Also, as others have mentioned, I think it’s perfectly obvious that Beth used “she” intentionally..
In reply to all three of you, fair enough. Posting a grammar correction with panties in a bunch is pissy. I stand corrected.
Definitely take time. This website would have been crap to me five years ago. But of course, *now* I know I was wrong.
Definitely take time. This website would have been crap to me five years ago. But of course, *now* I know I was wrong.
When a man out on the town with a woman outdoes her in terms of stylishness, it seems fey. If they are merely friends or are engaging in a casual meeting, it’s ‘no harm, no foul’. The more intimate and formal the relationship and occasion, the greater the transgression. At significant events, it is almost an insult for the man to outshine the woman; and it certainly doesn’t do anything for his reputation for manliness.
While it’s certainly okay for a man to consistently outdress his partner, he may be perceived by others as too self-concerned; and she may be perceived as lax, dowdy, or even irrelevant. It’s not necessarily for the man to tone it down; perhaps the woman should then be encouraged to up her game as well. Practical support could be offered (magazine subscription, style courses, and gifts of nice clothing could all help). In any case, it’s an issue to be negotiated between partners, and within oneself: what image is one willing to project, in full awareness of how well or poorly others may react to it?
My wife of 22 years is a college chemistry professor, and I am a practicing city planner. She normally dresses for the classroom or the laboratory, and I dress for the office and for public meetings with citizens and elected officials. Her sense of style has lagged mine for years (and to be fair, I’ve come a long way from nothing), but I’ve tried to gently nudge her to see clothing as both a uniform that expresses clear intent, and as a medium for expressing one’s self. She hates to shop, so I often go with her to pick stuff out. It’s a fine line when it comes to dressing better than your better half, but diplomacy and tact always helps. Just be clear if you can why you are dressing the way you do. Clothes not only make the man, but express many things said and unsaid.