Ask A Woman: Is cleavage just a way to mess with our heads?
If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. And don’t worry, your identity will be protected too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com
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Hello Beth,
Here’s a mystery that has confounded me since puberty, and was recently brought to my attention again by Sofia Vergara’s appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Check it out. Is cleavage some sort of test for us men? Women must know that keeping our eyes from drifting down there is difficult, don’t they? Or am I just being a total pig?
Dan
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Hi Dan,
Great question, and I appreciate your honesty. I think most (straight) women feel pulled between wanting to be looked upon as desirable by men, while not wanting to be perceived as a sex object or a slut. It’s a well-tread topic, so forgive me if you’ve heard this a million times before before, but women get a lot of mixed messages thrown at them by our culture. You need to have a shapely (but not too big) butt, and an ample bust, as well as other desirable features. The flip side of that, though, is that you’re whoring yourself out if you make it too apparent that you have a shapely butt and an ample bust.
I think, on a personal level, I really embody (no pun intended) this struggle. My clothing fits well, but I tend to gravitate towards modest cuts. I have a couple short skirts, but they stay in the closet most of the time; I don’t have any tops that cut down low in front to reveal cleavage. The few times I’ve allowed myself a blouse that stretched tightly across my chest, I wondered throughout the day what kind of message I was sending. Would people think I was a slut? Desperate? Pathetic? My body unworthy to even wear such a thing? Yet I do think some of these more risqué articles of clothing flatter my figure and would even make me feel good about myself if I could stop obsessing about what I was communicating to other people.
What’s interesting is that this struggle I’ve described is precisely indicative of WHAT style exactly is. We dress for self-expression (“Today is a blue day; I am feeling this blue dress shirt”), but also for interpersonal communication (“I rock this moto jacket to convey that I have a hard side to my personality”). Thus when a woman dresses to feel sexy, she is also reminded that other people will understand she is dressing to feel sexy, and what will that, in turn, make them think of her?
Maybe men go through this sort of thing too, albeit on a different level. Do you ever wonder if the muscle shirt you’re wearing, to prove you log many hours in the gym, is too tight, too showy?
Look, if a woman is wearing a cleavage-revealing top, she knows men will look at her cleavage. I mean, that’s one of the reasons she’s probably wearing it right? But that doesn’t mean she wants you to have a conversation with her breasts. (This will make her feel like the sex object or slut she doesn’t want to be. She just wants to feel sexy, remember?) Don’t gawk obviously at cleavage, and if you’re lucky enough to talk to a busty lady, try to spend most of that time looking in her eyes. And for God’s sake, try to develop better breast-spying skills over time. If you’re 40 and still find yourself getting busted every time you check out a woman’s rack, you really need to make some changes to your game.
And no, I don’t have any suggestions for how to do that.
-Beth
Got a question for Beth? Send them to: askawoman@dappered.com
Slow week?
Two rules: 1. Never stop in the middle of a hodown: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3uISnfrNpxM And 2. Never rain on a cleavage parade.
She just doesn’t want YOU looking at her chest. That hot guy over there that she has her eye on? …. well that’s a different story.
Great article. I love the subjects we end up discussing here. I love a women who is confident enough to show a little cleavege (in a classy, stylish way). Yes, I do check out the cleavege, but try to do it in an all encompassing way. I like to look at the whole package and not just stare and drool at her breasts. Then smile and compliment her on her style, dress, or accessories. Once I start talking, I focus my eyes on hers.
Of course after speaking to her like a lady and being a respectful gentleman, my wife will still come over to me and say “I saw you staring at that woman’s breasts!”
Oh well…..Rock on guys!
I think the definitive advice on cleavage comes from Seinfeld:
JERRY: What were you doing?
GEORGE: Well, it’s not my fault. You poked me!
JERRY: You’re supposed to just take a peek after a poke. You were like you just put a quarter into one of those big metal things on top of the Empire State Building.
GEORGE: It’s cleavage. I couldn’t look away. What am I, waiting to win an Oscar here? This is all I have in my life.
JERRY: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun, you don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.
That is the smartest thing I have ever heard.
Not be vulgar, but my wife has a pretty awesome rack. Sometimes when we go out, I’ll tell her to put on something sexy, which includes showing the all-important cleavage. Staring at her chest all night highlights the evening, but it’s also really amusing to watch other guys clumsily try to steal a glance while I’m looking right at them. They’ll look at me with this sort of apologetic look which I return with a sort of “gonna slam your face into the table” look. It doesn’t actually bother me, I just like making them uncomfortable. Gotta learn to be stealthy, son.
BTW I just realized that I totally came across as a superficial and insensitive male pig. I definitely am that, but also know that I love my wife with all my heart and she is my best friend in the whole wide world. Not my fault she’s also hot.
“Gotta learn to be stealthy”
Pretty much this. I’ve talked to a few of my [female] friends about this and generally they say they’re flattered when they catch someone trying to sneak a look and unsuccessfully attempting to be discreet about it (I suppose it helps if that someone is attractive.) What they DON’T want is someone having a conversation with their chest, as Beth pointed out.
So, I guess you can look, just don’t be too obvious or rude about it.
I don’t think you came across that way at all, you’re good sir. In more ways than one apparently.
There are semi well-known Internet rules that apply to this situation. The only way to not be perceived as a creep when caught staring at cleavage are:
1. Be handsome
2. Be attractive
3. Don’t be unattractive
If you’re a good looking guy, women will be flattered by any attention you give them. If you’re not a good looking guy, then you’ll be branded a creep.
this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBVuAGFcGKY
Men and women both, by and large, want to look sexy in public. That means, to be a sex object. You don’t know the personality or deep inner feelings of the person, you just admire the body. This is natural and nothing wrong with it. That said, clothing for both men and women can be more or less inviting of looks. A person dressed so as to show off physical assets HAS to know he or she is asking to be looked at; not groped, not molested, but looked at. I see nothing wrong in being guided by the evident intent shown by how people dress. If a lot of cleavage is revealed, if a guy is practically sporting a codpiece, take a look.
I agree. If you’re not attractive, and you start staring at some boobies, you start looking like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLPZmPaHme0
I think another thing that works for me is not to look away, but move upwards towards the eyes. You know, as if you weren’t in fact staring at her chest, but simply looking at the whole package. Not being unattractive helps.
Good article.
Little bit relevant:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/25/chicago-lawyer-files-moti_n_866762.html
We all do in it passing, some much more than others, but we all do it. Now, if you’re having a conversation with a lady and can’t keep your eyes off her bust then you have some issues. The best thing you can do is to make immediate eye contact and keep it, noticing a girls eyes is a simple way to alleviate many forms of awkwardness. Especially after you’ve just been caught staring south of the horizon.
It’s a test. A test to weed out unworthy men. Unworthy men swoon over a girl’s cleavage. Tell her to cover those up and talk to you like a person, not a piece of meat to validate her physique. She’ll love you for it.
Sadly, Josh is correct. The rules he called out are the exact reasons why I was able to get away with telling the girls behind the bar how their “girls” caught my eyes when they were jumping around. Crass? Perhaps. Honest, in a cute way? See Josh’s rules #1-3.
Be bold…or at least funny.
Women throw out all rules in the presence of desirable men.
Yup, very true:
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/sexual-harassment/258532/
I appreciate that this article addresses the fact that women’s cleavage isn’t about men. Believe it or not, dudes, but what women do is not always about or directed at you.
As Beth says, women are indoctrinated to believe that they must be attractive (but not TOO “attractive”) in order to have personal value in our society. The fact that (straight) men are around to observe the way they try to embody this social ideal is sort of a secondary issue. Women who dress in ways that enhance their looks are doing it primarily because that’s what society expects of them. They may or may not also be doing it because they have any desire for sexual attention from men.
In short, women are human beings. They may (or may not) appreciate your appreciation of their looks, but they deserve your respect for their personhood first and foremost.