Ask A Woman: Should I bring something when I meet her parents?
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Hello Beth:
I’ve been seeing a girl for more than a few weeks now, it’s getting pretty serious, and next weekend we’re going to visit her parents. This will be my introduction to them. Here’s my question: What should I bring for them for the first time, especially when they’re the hosts? Are flowers for the mother appropriate? Would a bottle of wine be better? Or would both be okay with flowers for the mother and some wine for dinner? Also, know that I’m 25 and she’s 20.
Thanks in advance,
– Ben
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Hi Ben,
On the surface, this might seem like a relationship question, but it’s really an etiquette question. And because I believe that manners and civility are highly underrated and frighteningly overlooked, I’m thrilled to have the opportunity to address this.
Anytime you go to someone else’s home for dinner or a party, you should bring a host gift. Period. They are feeding you; they are buying extra ice; they are vacuuming and dusting their house beforehand; they are dealing with the aftermath of your sloth and filth the next day. Bring them a gift.
Ben, you clearly recognize this, so good for you. Now, as to what you should bring? Wine is a good bet, although, find out beforehand if they drink. A teetotaler isn’t going to have much use for a great bottle of Bordeaux. For a boozehound like myself, it’s hard to imagine living in a dry household (or attending a dry dinner party), but I’ve heard rumors of such dark and sad things in far off places. Shudder.
If they do drink, bring a bottle of wine. You don’t have to spend a fortune, either. You can get a good bottle of wine for $15-20. Unsure of what constitutes a good bottle? Go to a reputable wine store, tell an employee your price range and the occasion, and they’ll set you up.
Flowers, too, are a great idea. Something restrained and tasteful is best, like a simple bouquet of tulips or lilies; you don’t want to haul in something that looks like you just won the Belmont Stakes. To me, flowers are an “add-on.” Assuming your host drinks, default to a bottle of wine, and then if you also want to bring flowers, so much the better. If your host doesn’t drink, flowers are a nice replacement for wine.
Incidentally, I would advise everyone to shy away from food items, unless the host has specifically assigned a dish to you, or told you to bring whatever you want. I once threw a dinner party where I made a Greek-style pizza with feta, olives, tomatoes and red onions. A guest who had not checked with me ahead of time showed up with a Greek salad…with feta, olives, tomatoes, and red onions. Stin igia sou!
–Beth
Got a question for Beth? Send them to: askawoman@dappered.com
“Wine is a good bet, although, find out beforehand if they drink. A teetotaler isn’t going to have much use for a great bottle of Bordeaux.”
This is a good point worth reiterating. My parents are teetotalers due to their religious beliefs, and wine would have been an inappropriate gift. They would not have taken offense had my wife given them a bottle of wine when they first met, but they wouldn’t have drank it or even felt comfortable putting it somewhere in the house for others to see.
No offense to the young man who posed the question or to Beth, but if my under- aged daughter’s of-aged boyfriend brought me wine, I would assume he was doing the same for my little girl. I’m not naive, I know people drink before 21, and im pretty sure youre sleeping with my daughter, but I don’t want you to rub my nose in it 🙂
All great advice, Beth. And you’re right, this is for any time someone asks you to dinner. You can always ask “what can I bring?” I agree, do NOT bring food unless you arrange it specifically with the host ahead of time, or it’s something that is not for eating then and there, like a box of chocolates. If you can’t find out ahead of time if they drink, then take flowers. Most flowers sold by florists won’t set off allergies. And do NOT expect whatever you bring to be put out or eaten that time. You may bring a wonderful bottle of red, but they are serving a white wine food. OK, they will appreciate your gift but have it some other time.
His girlfriend is 20. So assuming she is not of legal drinking age, is it appropriate to bring alcohol?
So, if a person of legal drinking age buys a bottle of wine for another person of legal drinking age they MUST be supplying underage drinkers with alcohol??? I dont really follow the logic.
I thought about whether or not it was appropriate for a second, but I’m with you Dave. He’s over 21, the parents are too, I believe it’s a nice grown-up gesture. But like Beth? I’m a bit of a booze hound. Maybe it depends on the level of alcohol acceptance in that particular house. My take is you can give a bottle of wine without the expectation it’s drank there at dinner, which, that’s almost always the case.
I might agree with you if she wasn’t 20. Many families are lenient with dinner and wine with their 20 year-olds. If she was 18, I would probably avoid wine. Of course if I was 25 and dating an 18 year-old, I have bigger problems ahead.
Ben, don’t forget to bring your charm. Winning over mom is huge.
Rub your nose in it? You can’t misconstrue a kind gesture as some personal affront. At 20 years old this “little girl”, like you said, is going to drink regardless. Better to let her know she doesn’t have to hide both her drinking, AND the boys she drinks with from her dad. Otherwise don’t be surprised when your daughter’s boyfriend of a year or so turns out to be a complete jerk because you set up too many petty boundaries which prevented you from ever getting to know who he really was in the first place. Bring him in wine and all. Let him feel as though he can let his guard down a little with you. You’ll learn so much more about the guy this way. And hey, chances are you’ll see a little of yourself in him. Scary, but often how it works.
Oh, i am sorry, i am the questioner, i should have stated that i am from germany. Its absolutely no problem for parents here to see their children drinking before the age of 18 so 20 should not be the problem. And underaged is not the right term here in germany for a 20 year old girl living in another city for some years, away from her parents. But i am indeed sorry, should have said that, forgot about the us readers, where 21 is underage and not allowed to drink.
I know, youre so right! Thanks for the advice, ill keep an eye on the mom 😉
International Alcohol Incident! Kidding. I think it’s a fair question even for here in the states. No need to apologize Ben. Thanks for writing in!
Thanks so much for the answer Beth!