Hi Beth,
I’m more than a little embarrassed to be asking this question because it reveals a level of shallowness that I’d rather keep hidden, and in my heart I feel it shouldn’t matter. But it’s an issue I and many men have absolutely no idea how to deal with and would love to hear the female perspective. When you are financially well-off, how or when, if at all, should you let a date know?
On the one hand, having a nice income is certainly a positive thing, but on the other hand even mentioning finances at all seems like a certain way to brand yourself as a grade-A douchebag.
Obviously if you’re something like a doctor, people assume you make a lot of money. But for many of us who own our own businesses or, like me, work what would seemingly be a boring job in insurance, it’s harder to tell. Based on the usual discussions a date would be able to tell “oh good, he has a fine job and has his life put together,” but if I make, say, $300K — that’s a positive thing, right? And to at least some degree it matters?
And if that’s the case, how should I let dates know? Surely the answer isn’t to buy a Patek Philippe to wave in her face and get her to google what that costs. Maybe I should wear a button that says ask me about my W-2?
Thank you,
Michael
I don’t know…it’s lacking something…maybe if it were a t-shirt instead of a button…
Hi Michael,
It’s true that making a substantial income is an attractive asset to a potential partner. In most people’s eyes, more money = comfortable living situation, more freedom, less money-associated stress, etc. But this isn’t saying much. It’s like, if I asked you, would you rather fly coach or first class? Well, obviously, you’d rather fly first class. Everyone likes bigger seats, free booze, and getting off the plane first. All other things being equal, you’ll pick first class. So if you ask a woman, would you rather the person you’re dating make $300k or $75k, they’re going to pick the first choice simply because of the benefits associated with a higher income. Not shocking.
But this is the type of thing that you should really let a potential partner simply discover in the course of dating you. I can’t see the upside to pushing the issue, either by flat-out telling a woman how much you make (definitely grade-A douchebag behavior), or by taking pains to drop hints–like wearing expensive brands she may not even recognize as expensive. Within a couple months she’ll likely notice the ways in which your salary allows you indulgences, whether that’s nice dinners out, an expensive car, or a fantastic apartment.
Let me ask you this. Why do you want a love interest to know that you make a lot of money? You mentioned that you think when women talk to you for a bit, they figure out that you have a stable job and you’re a responsible person. That’s great, and really all we need to know, that you can pay your bills and you’re not working at a job that may disappear in the next six months. So why is it important to you that a woman knows you’re on your way to Bill Gates status?
Yes, definitely tell her like this. I couldn’t have written a better line. (image credit)
I suspect you want women to know right off the bat because you think it will give you a leg up on dating. Maybe you’ve had some disappointments recently where a first date didn’t turn into a second because of disinterest on the woman’s part, or you wanted to ask out someone whose attention you had trouble getting. While it may be tempting to broadcast that you have this very attractive asset to offer, know that doing so will inform the type of women you attract. Being very forward about being wealthy (or on your way there) will turn off women who are looking for a connection based on personality, values, and interests…and will attract women who are looking for a connection based on bank account. I don’t want to presume which is your preference, but I think you’ll be happier in the long-term if you go for the former.
Bottom line: Let women discover in their own time that you’re rolling in it, and instead focus on showing them the best facets of your personality and charm.
-Beth
About the Author: If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked. That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com .