Hi Beth,
So I’ve got a dilemma. There’s this girl who’s always been there, but the timing’s never been right.
We’ve known each other for five years. I think I missed a chance when we first met, but then two years ago we decided to give dating a try. Right after we started together, she went on a trip for 3 weeks, came back, and told me she wanted to rewind a bit because she wasn’t wanting a relationship. Fast forward three weeks more, she was dating a guy from the trip. That, obviously, hurt.
I swore to cut her out of my life, that I was finished waiting around on the sidelines, and that I owed it to myself to not get treated that way. It took a while, but with enough time, and minimal contact it all became okay again.
However, a year and a half after all of this, she contacted me. I asked her to please not contact me anymore. She gave it some time, but again, six months later she told me that she thinks about me, and what she did to me, and says that she’s still got a place for me. That she cares about me, but that she doesn’t want a relationship with me right now.
What’s got me writing to you is she said she’d tell me if we could be together someday, and that she does think about it. She wants to see me, but cautioned me that it wouldn’t be more than old friends catching up “right now.” I still want to see her.
What the hell do I do? I’m hopelessly wrapped around the possibility of what “right now” implies. I know it’s not fair to me, but how do I get her out of my head? I haven’t met anyone else that has caught my attention the way she has.
Sincerely,
Waiting
Self-explanatory. (image credit)
Hi Waiting,
Your poor heart. It’s really been run through the wringer, hasn’t it? Unfortunately, what I’m about to say to you will likely give it one more stomping, but it’s necessary for you to hear.
This girl isn’t good enough for you. She may be bewitching and lovely but the hard truth here is that she is into you only when there’s no one else around. I would bet all the money in my pocket that those big gaps in time when you don’t hear from her…she’s dating someone else. When she’s single, when her confidence is low, she looks to you to boost her up. Here’s this guy who’s obviously crazy about her, and when she feels badly about herself, it feels good to be around someone who admires her.
“You can’t hurry love, no you just have to wait.” Fair enough, but let’s put an end date on the waiting.
She doesn’t want to date you. She can say it’s a possibility all she wants, but it’s not. It makes zero sense that the time would be right for her to have relationships with other men…but not you. When people say that the timing for a relationship is off–and they’re sincere about it–it means there’s no room in their life for anyone. They’re focused on their career, or they’ve been burned too many times and want a break or they’re dealing with a personal struggle like substance abuse or mental health issues.
This woman is a classic manipulator. Manipulators have a way of getting under our skin. Think about if this woman were just some normal person who you tried dating for a few months, it didn’t work out, you went your separate ways, and she never reappeared. You’d be way over her. You’d be on to better things. Her consistent reappearance in your life, and her close-but-not-quite-there “interest” in you is what has hooked you. It’s her behavior, not who she actually is, that has driven you insane.
Let this be your mantra.
The only way to get over her is to cut her out of your life completely. She has not been kind, respectful, or loving to you, so the only thing you’ll be missing when she’s not around is the mind effing. And while you can’t control her behavior (i.e., her tendency to contact you), telling her that you’re really and truly done with any kind of relationship with her–and why–will make it easier for you to stay strong in the future when she tries to worm her way in again. Take my advice. You deserve better, and you’ll find better. Better is out there waiting for you, Waiting.
-Beth
About the Author: If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked. That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com .