Try THESE Push-ups, Accelerated Arachnophobia & Scotch

RESPECT:

(thank you)

SCIENCE! The deeper I got into this article, the more insecure I felt. Now I’m just shivering in the corner wondering how I’m even here. MAGIC!

HISTORY REPEATS: So it has come to this. Because of course. Totally thinking about trying it. Might be a fun thing to use at parties or special events.

GAH! This is not going to end well for any of us.

USEFUL THINGS: This is genius. Well thought out and executed.

THERE CAN BE NO QUESTIONS:

(thank you)

I ADMIT IT: I am a mostly unapologetic Apple fan boy. I am aware that I may have issues. If you are like me, you might appreciate getting an idea how the new wearable is going to operate.

SHOWING OFF…has just been elevated to a whole new level.

I’M GONNA BE HONEST…I need a sugar daddy. I’m not proud.

THE ONE THAT DIDN’T GET AWAY: Big kitty. Even. Bigger. Fish. I freakin’ love nature. Then there’s this.

CONSEQUENCES: I get that this is probably not a thing. But I still love it. Not that there is a happy ending in site for these guys. True story: we were sitting at the dinner table one night when my dad poured his scotch into the fishbowl before saying “That damn fish stinks.” It ceased to stink shortly thereafter.

Editor’s note:

holy f*ck Aquarius. Carry on.

BECAUSE OF COURSE: This comes as absolutely no surprise to me. At all. Shenanigans were expected.

SIGN OF THE TIMES: All of man’s achievements, discoveries, breakthroughs and collected knowledge has brought us to this special shining event.

THEN THERE’S THIS: We survive by Maguyvering our way through the world.

MY BESTEST PARTY MOVE:

(thank you) 

LOAD UP ON THE REESES PIECES! I’m torn between AWESOME!!! (E.T. and Roger) and OHMYGODNONONO (Alien, Predators, The Thing). Then there’s this. 

SIMPLE PLEASURES: They manage to find a way back to us. And by us I mean, in general, people. And no, I don’t have one of these. But I am willing to suggest perhaps your lady friend might love one of these along with a great set of colored pencils or pens or the big box of a gazillion Crayolas, the one with the sharpener. And don’t even think about going generic because you’d just ruin everything. You’re welcome.

BOTTOMS UP: These. Are. Rad. Thanks to Dossier reader Greg for the heads up.

ONCE UPON A TIME: You think hipsters are a new phenomenon? Not so much.

MISSED IT BY THAT MUCH:

(thank you)

Sometimes life takes you down a notch. Sometimes you do it to yourself.

THE STUPID! It kills. WTF people?

UM…I generally don’t need these to buy this stuff, but an excuse is always handy.

OH HAI: What’s up?

WHAT ARE WORDS FOR? Ours are evolving with the times.

INCOMING!

;

Need something else to read?

• You invest in your clothing. Make sure you’re taking care of them.
• Get some dirt on it.
• Probably over thinking it. But, still.

Tim Johnstone is Dappered’s music correspondent as well as our resident gatherer of all things interwebs related. He doesn’t really hate people. Mostly.