Do I pursue someone who’s already taken?

Ask A Woman: “You know I wish that I had Jessie’s girl…”

If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked. That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com .

 

Dear Beth,

I’m currently studying for a big med school test, and one of the people I’ve been studying with is an incredibly attractive woman. I sense there’s potential between us, and that the chemistry we have isn’t limited to the alignment of our study habits. She keeps telling me that “we study well together.” Which we do. But, I think we could be more than just study-pals.

Thing is, she’s already seeing someone. He’s not geographically in the picture all that often, but they are together in a relationship sense.

I’ve grown pretty fond of her. Should I wait things out and perhaps look for a different someone, or do I profess my affection to her, and start heading down what could be a bumpy road?

Alex

 

Hi Alex,

You’re in some kind of a pickle, my friend. With decisions like this, there usually isn’t a right or wrong answer per se. You have to do a cost-benefit analysis. If you say nothing, you maintain a good friendship, and you keep your studying partner. But you lose the chance at having a romantic relationship with her. If you say something and she doesn’t feel the same, you may lose the friendship. But if she does feel the same then you’ll get what you want.

This perhaps is the hardest part of being an adult for me. Realizing that most hard choices aren’t about wrong or right, they’re about picking one thing and then accepting that even the choice you think is best, almost always has a drawback. You’re not going to get away with a consequence-free decision. Remember when you were a kid and the world seemed more black and white? Definitely wrong to cheat on the spelling test by looking over Mike Fisher’s shoulder. Definitely right to let your little sister in on the sleepover you’re having with your friends. Not so simple anymore.

Stealing the girl always looks better when you have Billy Idol on your side…
but I suppose it’s possible to do it without him.

I would be remiss not to address the issue of the boyfriend. I don’t advocate going after someone who is already in a relationship. Generally speaking, it’s cheap and disrespectful. BUT. If you feel very strongly that there is a connection between the two of you, and that she also feels it, and what you’re after is something substantive (not a fling)…then the old adage, “all’s fair in love and war” comes to mind. In other words, it’s not often that we meet someone we have a sincere connection with, so it’s understandable–if not still kiiiiind of an asshole move–that you’d want to pursue her. If she’s solid with her boyfriend, your admission of love won’t change that. If she’s been having similar feelings for you, then it opens up the conversation.

Ask yourself, what is most valuable here? Your friendship with this woman and the scholastic benefit you gain from studying with her? Or the possibility of having a romance with her? Your choice requires that you be willing to give up one of these things.

-Beth

Got something brewing in your life? Send me an email’style, etiquette, relationships’I answer it all: askawoman@dappered.com