Ask A Woman: Do these jeans make my butt look big?
If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked. That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com .
Hi Beth,
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for over a year now. We’re pretty serious and definitely in love. My problem is with how she’s reacting to being overweight.
Her doctor has recommended that she loses “twenty to thirty pounds” to help with some health issues. She complains, often, about the extra weight. It consistently effects how she feels about herself. She also constantly says she wants to lose weight, yet in the time we’ve been dating she’s only continued to gain more.
I don’t personally care and feel I will always love her regardless of her body, but I have a dilemma. I’ve tried to be endlessly supportive in any efforts she makes to lose weight (and never critical), but then I find myself resentful or annoyed when I watch her slide right back into the behaviors she claims she doesn’t want to be doing. For example, eating a salad for dinner and then at 10 PM busting open a pint of ice cream and eating half of it. It isn’t that she is overweight, it’s that she is unhappy with herself, yet doesn’t follow-through on any efforts to change. That’s what gets me.
What can I do here? I know my struggling with watching this pales in comparison to what she’s struggling with, but still. I’ve tried suggesting more walks, more physical activities that we could do together, leading by example (I’ve lost 15 pounds since we started dating by cutting out desserts and eating a healthier lunch), and cooking healthy meals together… But nothing seems to stick for more than a day or two.
– Erik
Hi Erik,
Joe, our fearless Dappered leader, accurately described your predicament (and probably, any advice I give) as a MINEFIELD. So readers, let’s just approach this problem with the knowledge that no one will agree on what is the best course of action, and everyone who shares their opinion will sound like an asshole to someone else. Keep it civil in the comments section, mmmkay?
I totally understand where you’re coming from. You love your girlfriend, and her physical appearance is not a crucial part of that love. But her inability to break her habits, even though she clearly wants to, and even though she sometimes shows signs of being able to do so, is frustrating to you.
“Guess again, Tubby.” Ah, Kramer. Always so tactful.
Here’s something to understand about food and weight gain. Humans are programmed to eat. We evolved to want to eat as much as possible whenever food was available, because it might be some time before it was available again. And, we evolved to enjoy the taste of high calorie, high fat foods most of all, because such foods are the most efficient way to keep the meat on our bones. It is only recently that food has become abundant and cheap (in this country). It is only recently that much of what we eat is first processed into something even more tempting–French fries, chocolate bars–that makes it even worse for us. Unfortunately, we have not evolved to want to eat only healthful food, nor have we developed steely will power to avoid or eat in moderation those delicious foods that are bad for us. Plus, there is a lot of disagreement about what makes people actually fat. Yes, food and exercise are contributing factors but genetics also play a part. All of this is to say that it is very challenging to stay healthy and trim in modern times. So just keep that in mind when your patience is frayed.
But you’re doing everything right. Being supportive, leading by example, incorporating healthy behaviors into your life with her. Like any self-destructive habit–smoking, drinking, addiction–the person struggling has to be the one to make the change. It has to be a choice that person makes everyday, all day, over and over again. They have to continue to choose healthy food, treats in moderation, and enough physical activity. So basically, you can’t do anything to get her to change. Your good influence and support only creates an environment conducive to her losing weight, but it doesn’t take the pint of ice cream out of her hand.
In an ideal world, we’d all have her confidence.
So that said…do you still want to say something to her? I’m not trying to discourage you, in fact, I think if you really want to tell her how you feel, it’s appropriate, as long as you do it calmly, compassionately, and without judgment. But think about what you want to accomplish. If you want to make her stick to her diet plan, this may do nothing to help that, because again, she needs to choose to change her behavior long-term. It may start a fight. It may hurt her feelings. These aren’t reasons to avoid the conversation, and if it’s enough that she just know how you feel so you don’t continue to stew, that’s valid. But you’re likely not going to change her behavior.
I also know that broaching this topic puts you in a terrible position. We can’t really talk about weight in our culture in a matter of fact way. Dudes who notice that their girlfriends have gained weight are branded as superficial assholes. If only we could approach weight gain and loss, and the health consequences associated, as challenges to be tackled, instead of making it into a moral issue–you’re bad if you eat a cookie, you’re good if you order salad–which really submarines our efforts, because shame is the worst motivator on earth.
Good luck, Erik, with whatever you choose. There’s not a guy out there who envies your position.
-Beth
Got something brewing in your life? Send me an email–style, etiquette, relationships–I answer it all:askawoman@dappered.com
It’s unfortunate, but she doesn’t want to lose weight… at least not enough to put down the Chunky Monkey. Believe me, I get it. It took me the last two years to go from over 300lbs of blubber to 200lbs of muscle (losing the first 80lbs was relatively simple and happened in under a year). If the doctor told her to lose 20-30lbs for health purposes, chances are she’s carrying around at least twice that, which just isn’t good for you — physically or emotionally.
If she truly wanted to lose the weight, all it takes is a little self-control. Hell, losing the first 20lbs is the easy part! Two and a half months of minimal dieting would have her a stone lighter and feeling great. Despite what people with no willpower want you to think, it’s not difficult and very little of it is genetics. It’s diet.
I feel for you man. You love her. But lack of self control is a serious character flaw. Cue the *Superficial Ahole* chants, but it was part of the reason I broke up with my last girlfriend. Now I date a fitness model that pushes me to improve and eat healthy. There’s almost 4 billion women in the world…
I’ve struggled with being 10- 20 lbs overweight my whole adult life. There’s a multitude of reasons why people overeat or eat unhealthy. When all other options fail, therapy can help. There might be underlying issues to the binge eating.
As for Erik… No one is above being checked. Its time he tells her he feels resentful when she can’t commit. Erik has done a great job – no passive aggressive suggestions, pro active suggestions, and actually taking action himself and losing weight.
We all need to be checked at some point in our lives. Better that it comes from someone who actually cares about you.
Try making it into a contest. My lady friend and I compete monthly to see who can put more miles on the treadmill, with the loser buying a happy hour outing.
“Lady Friend”. HA! A term I think we don’t use enough.
I have been in the same position as Erik has.
My ex was exactly the same, would say one thing and do completely the opposite.
Tried to help her with a workout routine, eating healthy etc etc.
She never “wanted” to work on being healthy just wanted to talk about it.
Best advice is to communicate your concerns and if she doesn’t properly address them then you have a decision to make. It is a tough choice but in the long run if someone doesn’t want to be healthy and take care of them-self then you have to decide if that is someone you want to be involved with.
I know I’m going to get resistance for saying this, but why not do grocery shopping together, and for a set time frame, say two weeks, don’t buy any garbage at all – including ice cream. Additionally, make healthy snacks ahead of time – cut peppers, celery, and carrots?, so when there is a craving, there’s something ready to eat that is healthy and doesn’t taste like cardboard (rice cakes) or mimic “bad food” (“healthy” cookies, fat-free frozen yogurt etc.). If after two weeks, everything is going well, why not try for one more week of not buying junk?
I guess my main point is how committed is someone to eating better when they keep having food on hand that got them to their current weight? Definition of insanity…
It’s easier to speak of change than to actually do it, which seems to be the case here. I’m on board with your opinion.
Is it superficial to want to become better at something every day? I don’t think so.
Could probably avoid the superficial A-hole sentiments if you had just omitted the glaring “I date a fitness model now” plug, and just said, I date a great girl who pushes us both to live healthily. But hey, maybe not.
“It may start a fight. It may hurt her feelings. These aren’t reasons to avoid the conversation…”
+1
Couldn’t resist and sorry for the A-hole comment but…”You are what you eat” came to my mind when you mentioned someone not putting down the Chunky Monkey ice cream. But seriously, everyone knows for the most part what’s good to eat and what isn’t. As you mentioned, it isn’t difficult, it’s actually putting the plan into action.
And congrats by the way on your weight loss. “Action speaks louder than words”.
Agreed. If someone’s trying to lose weight, why the hell’s there a pint of ice cream in the fridge?!
Setting aside the ease/difficulty of losing and maintaining weight (though I will add that a healthy diet along with moderate-to-intense exercise is “easier” and more effective at improving health and than maintaining a diet that is comparatively “more strict”) and getting to advice for his specific question…
The only way I see of doing it gently (depending on their relationship dynamic) is to effectively allow her to broach the subject. He says she’s constantly saying that she “wants to lose weight,” so next time she’s down and expresses her frustration, he could use that as an opportunity. Saying something like:
“I hate to see you so frustrated, I see the hard work you’re putting in, and I’d like to help. Would you mind if I prodded you if I see you making a choice that might frustrate you later? I don’t want to be a drill sergeant or a bully, but with your permission maybe I could help add a little more motivation when you’re tempted. Let me know, last thing I want to do is hurt your feelings.”
It’s still precarious, but by putting her feelings first and articulating that he is trying to do so, he would probably minimize any unintentional damage.
Yep, that’s why I chose that particular flavor. Not only is it delicious… it’s prognostic!
Just slide the ad for liposuction across the table when she pulls out the ice cream. We pussy foot around these issues too much in today’s society. Everyone needs to just accept the fact that someone feels beautiful in their own body is total BS. Tell me that when I get sandwiched between two of these individuals on a plane. Or every time my health insurance premiums go up because the pool of individuals is being brought down by these people. Yep, these people. Self control people. Either that or turn her eating habit to a coke habit and you solve the weight issue. It’s not that difficult to go on walks and put down the fork. A-Hole Out!
I can empathize as i am in this situation.. Married a pretty girl who packed on the pounds in the 5 years we’ve been together.. I actually went ahead and had the conversation with her as i love her and it was important for me that we remain healthy… She knows that she needs to lose weight and has tried pretty hard.. A couple of times she actually lost quite a bit but then loses focus and gains it back in the holiday season or otherwise – so it has been a seesaw.. last time we saw the doc, she was asked to lose about 10% of her body weight as this also can potentially impact having kids..
The main piece of advice i can give is that losing weight is going to have to be a lifestyle change.. and if the person can’t do it herself/himself then the partner needs to step up.. Throw out the icecream – why leave a temptation.. start with small changes to the diet – number one though is portion control… Two, reduce carb intake – esp. if you are from a culture with high carb diet like rice, bread or pasta, etc. Three, provide high protein snacks for when she does get hungry – something that fills her up and reduces cravings – I strongly recommend stocking up on QuestBars, also skim milk cheese, trail mix(go easy), P3 Protein pack, etc. Four, start including some physical activity like walking, a sport, swimming, hiking, etc
I also wanted to add sometimes weight gain can be due to factors such hypothroidism, etc. So no harm in trying to rule those out..
The truest form of love is to be able to tell the truth, even when the other doesn’t necessarily want to hear it.
Coming clean with your qualms, and coming from a place of love when doing so, is not something that should start a fight. You know she has the capacity to follow through with it (since she does eat some meals healthy already), and maybe she just need someone to remind her that she’s capable of it. You care deeply about her either way, and you know that she wants to do this for herself, too.
And perhaps there’s even a chance (who knows?) that she sees your progress and harbors some resent with you for not helping keep her on the diet too? It’s a possibility, but you guys will never know how it’s affecting either of you until it’s out on the table. Knowing that you’re in her corner, and vice versa, can hopefully only bring you guys closer together.
I kind of want to know what “a salad for dinner” means, as this could be most of the reason why she (or anyone else) would be reaching for something else to eat a couple hours later. Is it a 250 calorie bowl of romaine with lowfat dressing (gross) or a proper salad with meat, nuts, avocado, olive oil, and balsamic vinegar coming in at 800-1000 calories. If the former, no wonder she is hungry as hell two hours later and thinks that “dieting is nigh impossible”.
This is pretty much what I was going to say. The hard part I found was reducing appetite – that takes a couple of months in my experience. Keep lots of healthy choices around and give her some of it to munch on throughout the day – she will fill up enough to not go for the bad stuff.
I assume you are American and I feel for you – the access to bad food is so cheap and plentiful it is a real challenge.
I think ice cream is being unfairly maligned in this thread.
First off eating a salad is a terrible idea, it’s not filling and won’t sate an appetite. You need some fats and lots of protein, it will take longer to breakdown and leave one feeling full. Also drinking a lot of water as well will help with the full feeling.
Don’t buy any tempting foods and have them in the house, eg. If I’m cutting weight I won’t buy cheetohs or pringles.
Low carb high fat and protein for optimal healthy weight loss. (Grass fed beef etc.)
But even simple changes, like whole wheat pasta instead of white, adding a bunch of filler to the pasta sauce, eg. more beef and chicken, tomatoes, sundried tomatoes, carrot puree, and cottage cheese will reduce the amount of noodles ate.
Late night snack, cottage cheese all the way.
Name is?
The out-of-house out-of-mouth strategy really does work. As long as you’re used to, y’know, not eating out a ton and/or hitting a drive through on the way home.
“First off eating a salad is a terrible idea, it’s not filling and won’t sate an appetite.” (Looks at my pork tenderloin & avocado loaded up salad)
🙁
Personally I think there are deeper roots than just “self control issues”. She’ll need to work on some of that deeper stuff that is at the core of what’s making some of the more obvious issues manifest themselves. At the risk of sounding harsh, there is nothing, and i mean nothing the guy can do in this instance, she has to do it herself. All the support he is giving her means nothing unless she starts taking responsibility for herself and for working on her own issues.
Nitpicker!
When someone says they eat a salad in my book it implies purely just greens, rather than I had a “Chicken spinach salad”
Yours on the other hand is exactly how it should be done, lots of healthy fat and protein! Notice how you called it a pork & avocado salad though 😉
Every girl I’ve ever met “wants to lose weight”. Even ones that are in fantastic shape “could lose an extra 5 pounds”. Unfortunately, there’s the need to dig into whether they actually mean it, and why and how they plan to do it.
But the fast food is now fried in zero trans fat oil! It’s healthy…
If we bad talk it enough, more for me 🙂
+1 to high fat, low carb
It’s OK buddy! Turn that frown upside down. Seriously, the right kind of salad can be pretty filling – you just need to add healthy protein and fat, which avocado is the latter and pork tenderloin is the former. People think all pork is loaded with fat because bacon, but most of the cuts are pretty lean.
It’s very flippant/insensitive to say “she doesn’t want to lose weight”. It’s like saying a drug addict doesn’t want to stop doing drugs. It’s not a matter of wanting it bad enough. Its a matter of being in the right mind state in order to change a lifetime of bad eating patterns.
If shes at the point where her physician is recommending weight loss of that magnitude… its because she is clinically obese. The doctor made sure and told her the health risks this poses.
She WANTS to lose the weight. She’s said as much, and even attempts with poor results. It’s a complex issue whose solution requires more nuance than simply wanting it bad enough.
I…
Mr. Mark, I know what works for me. Trust me there. But that’s the point I was making, and that a categorical denial of salads isn’t right.
There really are few absolutes, if any, when it comes to eating healthy, yet so many believe there are.
“Two, reduce carb intake – esp. if you are from a culture with high carb diet like rice, bread or pasta, etc.” – I think growing up anywhere with the internet (AKA modern society), you’ll unfortunately be pre-exposed to a high carb diet full of sugar, cereal, bread, pasta, potatoes, rice, corn, beans, and on and on. From experience, try explaining to someone that all carbs are sugar, and what foods have how many carbs, and then how many carbs “should” be eaten, and you’ll piss off a lot of people. People don’t like the truth if it’s against what they’re used to.
Increase fat intake to reduce appetite. Good fat (olive oil, nuts, avocado, meat), not ice cream topped with french fries and store-bought mayo / salad dressings.
That’s hardly nitpicking. The point (one of the points) I’m making is that one shouldn’t think a salad is nothing but greens. Or, to categorically deny any reasonable options.
I’d estimate 95% of the population “wants” to lose weight, yet 5% do. Define want.
Id say its a combination of bad advice as to how to lose weight, the fact that willpower is a finite resource, and not prioritizing weight loss or healthy living (I also WANT to take a trip to Europe, but not as much as I want to pay my mortgage).
if its not a priority then you could say she doesn’t really “want” to, but I don’t know if thats true.
I would also suggest moderation. When some people diet, they start out day one, doing extreme dieting- no breakfast and a salad for lunch and dinner. Inevitably, they cheat and they have to start over. It’s near impossible to go from 2500 per day to 1200 per day and not fall back to old ways. It’s better and more likely to succeed if you go from 2500 to 2000 and then 1800ish, while maintaining a balanced diet.
I would also add to be careful of the too much healthy food trap. Meaning, walnuts are generally considered healthy. But, if your GF eats a whole tin with the attitude that it’s OK because they’re healthy, then you haven’t solved the problem at all.
You get no resistance here, homie! Grocery shopping with my gf is THE shit!
Note that I qualified “want”. She may want to lose weight, but not enough to act on it. I’m simply referring to the tipping point where one is truly fed up with being overweight, as opposed to simply being told that one should lose weight. There is a big difference in commitment when the majority of one’s drive is self-motivated.
As for nuance, this is simply not true. The sooner we stop acting like the obese are victims, the sooner they can take responsibility for shoveling food down their throats. How’s this for nuance… eat less. If she does that one thing, she’ll lose weight. How are excuses going to help her do that?
. . . there HAS to be a more civil way to phrase that.
Touché. Just trying to be inspirational and point out that we don’t have to limit ourselves. He’s tried and she hasn’t changed, could be for the best to move on. It could shock her into putting forth 100% effort.
That’s assuming self control is uni-dimensional, which it isn’t. You might imagine an overweight doctor. Tons of self-control in regards to studying, maybe less so when it comes to eating and exercise. That being said, I agree that a general lack of self-control is a real turn off, but it’s hard to say that based on this one instance.
The more bumper stickers someone has on the back of their car, the less likely I am to listen to their advice about not just the topic in which their bumper stickers cover, but any topic.
There is power in message delivery.
I agree, “shoveling food down their throats” was unnecessarily caustic. I just find society’s coddling of the overweight frustrating and unhelpful.
If obesity wasn’t a nuanced issue, then every developed country in the world would have the same obesity rates. They don’t.
Granted… some people overeat and gain weight. But “eat less” doesn’t address WHAT people eat, and WHY they eat it.
Everyone gets a trophy gosh darn it.
The majority of weight loss related advice (from health care professionals and “fitness experts” to friends and blog commenters) is 1) contradictory 2) based on bad science 3)incomplete (i.e. “eat less”). She may be bad at losing weight because the ways that people have told her how to are ineffective or incredibly difficult.
Agreed. A healthy diet is just as qualitative as quantitative. I apologize for the miscommunication. I’ve just been so diet-obsessed this last year that I don’t think of food volumetrically, but as quantities of macronutrients, and assume the consumption of whole and minimally processed foods.
Though for the obese, assuming the current diet is at maintenance, reducing intake of the same foods would result in a net caloric loss. Of course, this certainly isn’t the healthiest way to go about it.
| Only a Sith deals in salad absolutes.
That’s how I remember it.
Damn. That sounds delicious.
I don’t go to the overweight trainer for fitness advice, just like I don’t ask the secretary how to make $100k/year. I think an unhealthy-looking doctor would definitely alter how much I weigh their opinion on health matters.
“Weigh their opinion…” 🙂
I understand what you are getting at, but what someone looks like does not really inform the information they are spewing. Relevant counterexample… Jillian Michaels looks incredibly fit but gives out awful health advice.
The ripped bro at the gym might tell me I need to take protein supplement X and eat 8 meals a day to “keep my metabolism up” but just because he is ripped doesn’t mean he isn’t also full of shit.
http://cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/54940340.jpg
And orange slices. If they weren’t chock full of so many goddamned carbs.
First, it’s great for both of you that she wants to make positive changes for her health, and second, that she has someone who’s supportive.
It’s obvious that she needs help losing the weight that her doctor told her she needs to shed. It’s not obvious that you’re the one that should – or even can – help her do it. Diets are hard, as Beth noted, and the same things won’t work for everyone.
The conversation was started by her doctor, and that’s a good place for her to go back to. I work in medical education, and I know all too often docs demand things of their patients and don’t give them the tools to succeed.
ESPECIALLY since she was told by her doctor she needs to lose weight for her health, her health insurance should cover nutritional counselling. That would include one or more meetings with a dietitian, who would help her come up with a diet that works for her, and also teach her more about nutrition (she might know a lot of this already, but it can be really useful.) In most places, Blue Cross/Blue Shield now offers free (even copayment free), unlimited sessions with a dietitian, but a lot of other plans offer between 6-10 sessions per year. Some plans would require her doctor to give her a diagnosis and a weight loss target, and would then cover sessions until she meets that target (if that’s the case, and she thinks she wants to lose more than 30 lbs, she should tell her doc).
This is a health condition. We think of our weight as a reflection of personal worth, but it’s a health condition, and doctors are there to help us with those. There are over the counter and prescription medications that might be worth consideration. No one would say that a person with bipolar disorder was weak for being on medication to control symptoms. Some people just don’t care about food and almost never feel hungry; some have brains that are programmed to consume calories whenever possible, which was great until we lived in a world of supermarkets full of sugar and fats.
So some time when she brings it up, I say that you say something like, “Man, I get it. You’re trying so hard to lose weight, and you feel like it’s not working out, which has to feel like a lot of wasted effort. Maybe it’s worth it talking to your doctor, since we’ve been trying and it hasn’t been working. He might be able to recommend a dietitian or other options.”
I honestly don’t think she’s failing because she hasn’t been trying, and I think it’s important to focus on the effort she has put in, say, eating a salad, instead of the slip ups. After she’s got a plan that she’s worked out with a dietitian, it’s your job to be supportive by learning about the plan and possibly changing what it is you guys cook or eat to make it easier to share meals.
Good luck!
They go on the mantle – you don’t eat the orange slices, silly.
I agree on all points.
I know what you’re saying too, but to counter, Jillian Michaels has plenty of paying customers for her garbage advise. And I agree, it is garbage advise.
I have a newly found perspective on this issue and the issue of weight in general. For my entire dating life, I have always been attracted to thin, in shape women, and had no qualms voicing my opinion about the “problem with fatties”. About six months ago, I started dating a beautiful, smart woman who also happens to be a child psychologist, specializing in eating disorders. The short version of this story is that while I still have some prejudices and opinions about weight, I am much more aware of the complexities of the issues. Obviously there are physical concerns here with regards to putting in the work and eating a healthy diet, but the psychological side is incredibly important to address as well. It may help to see someone or at least look into some of the underlying issues.
I played soccer in college and professionally for a brief period of time. I was in much better shape than 90% of the population as a result, but when I quit playing and got to my late 20’s, I put on 20 pounds pretty quickly. I was able to lose the weight and keep it off, but the physical work was much easier than the mental motivation. Just my two pence…
In 2004 my doctor told me to lose weight or I’d need to go on all kinds of meds. He gave me six months to make improvements and come back in. I lost 20 pounds in those first six months and then another 40 over the next 18. It’s ten years later and I’ve kept 60 pounds off (243 down to 183).
It’s not easy. The first few months are the toughest, from a diet perspective, but it can be done.
The key is providing support, encouragment, and participating. Keep in mind it’s a dietary change, an activity change, but also a mental change. The last part is where people fail.
Reading this as I shovel Milano cookies into my mouth; realized I’m the one who doesn’t stick to the diet. 🙁
The best way to lose weight is to not even think about #bacon. Just don’t. Not about how it tastes, or how it smells, or how it looks even more inviting on top of a juicy burger. Put it totally out of your mind. Go bacon-free. Starting now. Seriously,.
This reminds me of the time that I bought a gym membership for a girlfriend…. I DID NOT GET A THANK YOU!
That’s a red herring. My point was just because someone is overweight doesn’t mean we can conclude they have poor self control in general. It’s a pretty big leap from she is struggling with weight loss to her total life is a train wreck. Dump her fast.
This has been an interesting comment section, some have bumped up against asshole but the vast majority have been civil in their comments. One thing I noticed that the comments all have in common though is that they are some variation of She is/did/needs (or however else you want to phrase it).
Though I know Joe doesn’t like projecting onto the letter writers I’m going to do it just to play devils advocate. Unfortunately, unless one of us knows this guy personally, we will never know the entire situation but his letter does give an interesting glimpse of what might be going on.
1. He took the time to write the letter.
2. He outright states that he doesn’t care.
3. He talks about leading by example while at the same time offering information on himself which is irrelevant to the subject at hand.
I wonder if (or what kind of) a passive agressive game is being played out?
I feel so used.
When we got married and started grocery shopping, she would put junk food in the cart and I would take it out. She can eat just one cookie out of the package, but I’ll eat the whole package. I have much more self control at the grocery store than I do when standing in front of the fridge.
While weight and food have never been issues that I have personally had to deal with, I understand the wanting to quit a bad habit and struggling so hard to do so. I smoked for several years, quit for several years and then picked up the habit again after college (3.5 years ago). Currently, I am going on 3.5 weeks without a cigarette after several months of telling myself that I was going to quit.
One of the easiest ways for me to do this was to not buy a pack of smokes, but that was easier said than done. I’d stop for gas and find myself walking into the store front, the whole time telling myself not to do so, while still paying for the next pack. Finally, after a few months of this, I managed to not buy any.
I really think something along the lines of trying not to have the bad habit around would be a great place to start. I can’t eat ice cream or drink soda whenever I want if I don’t keep ice cream or soda at home, so I don’t. I don’t keep more than a 6 pack of beer in the fridge, because if it is there (or really if there is anything other than water), I drink it. And I know a lot of people are the same way. Do what you can to eliminate the temptations of the high carb, low nutrition foods in the home and things will start to turn better. Will this magically help to lose weight, probably not, but it is a start in the right direction.
I can second that with my past two breakfasts – chocolate chip muffin yesterday and a peanut butter and fluff sandwich today. Luckily there isn’t any left of either, resulting in healthier future breakfasts by attrition.
100% agree getting it out of the house makes a huge difference. I personally needed to lose weight. Once I stopped buying junk, I stopped eating it. I didn’t crave it enough to go out and buy it, but if it was in the house a matter of convenience makes it too easy (and delicious). Once you’ve made some progress though I’ve found allowing yourself a few indulgences now and then actually helps keep the weight off. Prevents you from periodically just binging. I don’t really cut anything out completely, just believe in a little thing called moderation.
It pretty amazing the comments. The people that state, “It’s easy, just eat less” or “It’s easy to stop drugs, just stop shooting up” or “It’s easy to save money, just spend less” have no clue.
When I talk to someone who is a drug addict when I am volunteering, I start with, “Something must be paining you so much to want to numb it with drugs.” And then that opens it up — parental abuse, social issues, overwhelming anxiety about next steps in life. THOSE are the reasons that need to get addressed before someone wants to stop taking drugs. And they are amazed because usually they deal with a-holes that just berate them, tell them drugs are wrong, just get some willpower, blah blah blah. Those kind of “tactics” never work. AND I MEAN NEVER, which is why some of the comment posters clearly need to get off their horses, get their hands dirty, and HELP these people, before offering any advice.
Same with compulsive eating. Medicine recognizes eating disorders because they ARE DISORDERS. Obesity is an easy target and the fact that Corwin and others victimize them… well give them the attitude that they are victims. Let’s flip it and make it so she’s anorexic — I don’t think Corwin and the other ‘bros would be telling her “It’s easy, just feed her more.”
The question-asker is absolutely right that the girlfriend is not happy with something in life. There is something holding her back and she is running to food like a drug addict would be running to drugs. However, it is a super delicate issue and that if she is not ready to open up and address, then you won’t get anywhere. You cannot help those who are not ready for help. To force help in that situation does nothing and is meddling.
One thing is to have an open conversation about it without judgment. But this is extremely hard and usually needs a lot of “training” to avoid trigger words and really keep an open mind.
Another suggestion is to see where she is mentally on this issue by sitting down and watching the Biggest Loser. You would have to observe and see how she reacts to the emotional stories on that show. If they inspire her, maybe she can open up and tell you the deeper issue. If she retreats further, then she is definitely not ready. All of the contestants on that show are dealing with emotional baggage, whether it’s a parent that died early, self-doubts about themselves, etc. that pushed them to food.
“Plus, there is a lot of disagreement about what makes people actually fat. Yes, food and exercise are contributing factors but genetics also play a part.”
This is super misleading, and frankly, means you did no research. There is almost no disagreement among the medical community that genetics play a role in a small minority of cases. Metabolism rate differences aren’t going to be greater than 100-300 calories per day in the vast majority of people. There are psychological and cultural reasons behind overeating, but physically speaking, weight loss is simply do you eat more or less calories than your metabolic rate burns each day.
I recognize that psychology plays a role in overeating, but it also plays a role in every other part of your life. Where do you draw the line? At what point does needing counseling, therapy, or medication to fix every issue in your life become ridiculous?
By the way, you may not want to assume that everyone who cares about their body is a “bro”. I spent a decade being morbidly obese and fixed it. If you read through the posts you’ll see that I did not berate her (though, I did respond negatively to one comment which I recognized as uncivil), I simply pointed out that the drive to lose weight has to come from the person that needs it. You can’t force someone to lose weight, at least not in the long term. Erik needs to know that “helping” his girlfriend lose weight is not his responsibility because until she makes that commitment, nothing he does will help.
“I recognize that psychology plays a role in overeating, but it also plays a role in every other part of your life. Where do you draw the line? At what point does needing counseling, therapy, or medication to fix every issue in your life become ridiculous?”
You answered your own question. If it’s every part of your life = there is no line. Trying to draw a line = judgment = closing your mind = barrier to seeking help.
And don’t assume that I use the word “bro” the same way you use it. Bro.
+1 for My Fitness Pal. The thought of having to enter unwise food choices makes me pause every time. Who says shame isn’t a good motivator!
Instead of asking Beth (who is trying her damndest to be helpful) have you tried asking her? If you sit her down and tell he that you’ve noticed that she is struggling with impulses, maybe she will endorse you helping her control her discipline. – you just have to warn her that it may frustrate her at times. If she has expressly endorsed your helping her out, then it will make her think twice or stop and take a breath if ever she is annoyed or frustrated by your keeping her on the straight and narrow.
Reading this thread has made me realize that I am an asshole on this topic, but also that I don’t feel that bad about this fact. FULL DISCLOSURE: I am not generally an asshole IRL at all.
I strongly agree to completely rid the house of high carb, low nutrition foods.
The challenge, as many in the comments have pointed out, is building mindful habits that will slowly reverse a lifetime of learned behaviors that result in negative health. How to “tip the scales” (if you’ll pardon the pun)?
One website that worked very well for me is Fitocracy. It’s basically a game-ification of fitness: create a profile, log your workouts, get points. Get a certain number of points and you “level up”. There are quests and challenges, and you can “duel” other members. I’ve found that community to be as supportive as the Dappered community, if not more. It’s like playing video games, but instead of a high score you get in shape.
Right now my girlfriend and I are dueling on this website, and we’re in the best shape we’ve been all year. It was a mental trick, but something about a slight edge of competition, mixed with the praise of internet strangers, that got us both to find time to squeeze in additional exercise.
Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated or endorsed by this website. I just really like it, and think it might help. 🙂
I’d have to agree with the others who say that alot of the dieting and weight loss advice is based on bad or outdated science and usually doesn’t work. This creates a problem since the person is basically set up for failure, and ends up more down on themselves for failing. Check out the book “4-hour Body” by Tim Ferriss, or check out one of his blog posts on the “slow carb diet”. IT WORKS! I was able to lose 25 pounds and my wife almost the same over about 4 months using this diet, and I’d recommend it to just about anyone. No calorie counting, no portion control, and a “cheat day” once a week where you can eat WHATEVER and AS MUCH YOU WANT, make this diet easier to sustain. It is restrictive on what you eat during six days a week, but without portion control and the cheat day every week to look forward to, it is not as hard as you might think to stick to. Check it out, and it always helps when you have a partner to do it with you and support you. Definitely a slippery slope, but finding something that actually works might help. Good luck!