About the Author: Amber is a Licensed Professional Counselor and her goal is to help others become the best versions of themselves that they can be. When she’s not helping motivated clients reach their goals, she moonlights as the graphics guru here at Dappered.
To piggyback on one of the latest Ask A Woman posts, most would agree that love is hard work and good relationships don’t just happen by magic. I would propose, however, that most of that work is individually based, and can (should) be done before you’re even in a relationship.
Most people subscribe to the Have + Do = Be equation of life. For example:
“When I have money, I’ll do a lot of things, then I’ll be happy”.
Sadly, that equation generally doesn’t work in life, and especially not in relationships: i.e. “Once I’m with someone great, I’ll do more exercise/cleaning the house/sharing of my hopes and dreams, and I’ll be tidy/in shape/communicative.” In reality, things have a tendency to fall back into homeostasis after you become comfortable – homeostasis being whatever you were doing before your relationship.
Today we’re going to change that equation to Be + Do = Have. This change is subtle, but powerful. If you’ve been waiting to implement a new life habit until AFTER you’re in a great relationship, I’m here to tell you that you need to implement it NOW, before you’re in that relationship, so that it’s already a habit. Just like the concept of dressing now for the job you want in the future. Simple, right?
Here are some examples of the equation change:
Chasing the “Have”
The reason we want to make the equation change is that the “have” variable is ever-moving, can be unattainable, and it becomes a crutch – an excuse for not stepping up and being who we say we want to be. For example, if you think, “When I have a bigger apartment, then I’ll clean up more and be tidy.” Great! Lets say you get that bigger place, are you really going to clean up more? Maybe, for a little while…but then homeostasis sets in. You’ll typically end up saying “Oh, well, here I am (and things are kind of the same), BUT once I get the three bedroom house, then I’ll clean up more…” That, right there, is Chasing the Have. You never quite get to the “Be” that you want, since you’re always chasing the next thing to “Have”. Remember, if you haven’t developed the habit before you have what you want, then you generally fall back into homeostasis.
So, how do you really put it into practice?
Step 1: Fold a piece of paper in half to create two columns.
Step 2: In the first column make a list of what you want to “Be” in a relationship (or life), for example:
- Organized
- More Emotionally Open
- Communicative
- Adventurous
- Tidy
- In shape/healthy
Step 3: In the second column, referencing the “Be” in the first column, create weekly action steps that you can “Do”. (As Tim Ferriss says in The Four Hour Work Week, the “Be” column is just a holding area for the “Do” column.)
- Organized —> Buy file folders, shred unneeded papers, use file cabinet, make weekly goals, buy notebook, explore a new way of taking notes/making lists
- More Open —> Smile at three people today, share weekly goals with two people
- Communicative —> Talk to three random people this week, read an interesting article and share with a friend
- Adventurous —> Look up a class at the local outdoor shop, take a new route home, visit a new restaurant every month
- Tidy —> Clean up one room, each night of the week
- . . .
Simple, right? As Emerson said, “Do the thing, have the power.” You can’t have the power first, you’ve got to figure out who you want to BE and get out there and DO the thing, every day. Make it your homeostasis.
What other areas of life would you apply the Be – Do – Have philosophy to?
Dappered Dating is a series on stepping up your game in the dating realm, because upgrading your style is more than just about clothes. You can see previous editions in the growing archive, here.
I’m in a strong relationship and I luckily stumbled into the truth of this. That said, the Be + Do = Have framework, particularly the simple action planning, is pretty awesome for life overall. I came in passively curious and left impressed. Great article!
Just by way of a respectful dissent…. this article reminds me of the “frameworks” that consultants spit out where they take a very simple concept (albeit one that perhaps people should be reminded of, but nothing that they don’t already know) and put a “framework” around it to make it something they can market (and to add 20 pages to it).
This entire article is pretty much summed up by “make yourself a more desirable candidate and more people will dig you and potentially recognize how great you could be together”. To which a defender of the article might say “it’s more nuanced than that” and I’d say “barely, if at all.”
Is it good to remind ourselves that we can get into ruts where we put off improvement and that if we are consistently making ourselves as best as we can, we are more likely to have success finding the partner (or job, or life) of our dreams? Sure, it’s a good reminder. But I think that the reminder is about one sentence long and doesn’t need a long article and a “do-be-have” framework around it to make the point. I don’t see what all that adds.
No disprespect intended, just my opinion that this article is no more nuanced than a single sentence could have been.
There is a blogger called Married Men Sex Life who basically talks about your sex rank – i.e. if you want to have a more attractive mate you need to raise the bar yourself so that they will. For instance if I am a 5 your partner will be happy being a 5 or 6 but if I am an 8 they will try and up themselves to that level.
I have seen it in action several times when friends have upped their game that their partners have too. A good friend started dating a real well put together woman and his game jumped over night – he’s never looked better.
Do-be-have is a good way, at least for those of us foolish enough to fall into ruts (perhaps not you), to remind ourselves on a daily/weekly basis. As is the two column paper exercise.
It’s a good post. I do wish we could go one day without a post getting picked to death in the comments.
Great thought exercise- I think we all have that “Be” list in the back of our heads, thinking through/writing out the required “Do”s can really put things into perspective
Good Lord BD, couldn’t you have summed up your own comments in one sentence, “Personally, I don’t need this advice.”
Thank you for writing this, Amber.
I could not agree more, Joe. Such a powerful post. One that can be personalized to each reader and applied toward a plethora of topics. This very post compelled me to step back and refocus my efforts on what matters in life and how I should be acting on it. Now eluding from myself here, I have to applaude you all at Dappered for continuing to diversify the material posted. All of which is truly for the benefit of the reader. Again, well done! I look forward to many more – particularly, tomorrow’s handful!
On that note, what’s your beef with consultants? They use those frameworks, which are easy to understand and very difficult to actually use properly and implement, because they work. Seems like a bit of a cheap shot to me.
To add to the discussion:
Without frameworks, strategies, and structures, we’d all be a mess with no direction to becoming a better person – speaking from experience. While others seemingly have it “easy” and can simplify things into one concept and execute really well, what people don’t realize is those people execute under the very same frameworks, strategies, and structures – they’re just much more experienced than they are.
Knowing and understanding the implementation or how is the most important part of all of this. Good consultants can spit out concepts and skim the surface. GREAT consultants are able to tie it to tangible HOWs, which helps inexperienced people not only have a plan but also create metrics for their development or success.
As a social skills strategist, this is a simple, yet, very effective way to get your dating life on the right track.
As I personally tell my clients, “it’s important to live a lifestyle conducive the quality [what you want] in your life.” This article reinforces that awesomely.
Hey Joe – Sorry man! Didn’t mean for it to come off that way. I support this site and think the articles (not just the style ones, but all of them) are awesome. Based on the comments of others here, it seems like I just have my own bias against this type of “consulting” (as I see it) and that this framework is actually useful to a lot of people.
By the way, I absolutely can fall into a rut and have plenty of times, of course. Never meant to imply otherwise. I just need a different type of communication in order to get out – but it looks like I’ve got a minority opinion there!
Probably a personality trait of my own. I prefer a plainer sort of talk and I guess when I hear these frameworks overlaid over what seems like basic advice to me, it’s like metal scraping against a chalkboard for me, haha.
But I’m not afraid to admit being wrong either, and it looks like from the comments here that this way of communicating is a good way to reach a lot of people and is helpful in creating motivation to follow the advise. (which, by the way, I do think is good advice – it was the method of delivery that I didn’t believe it).
Hmmmm. Very interesting.