Ask A Woman: The jerk store called and they’re running out of you!
If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked. That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com .
Hey Beth,
My girlfriend and I go to the same college, but she’s from the Midwest and I’m from California. So, when we headed home for the summer, it’s turned into a long distance relationship–the first of those I’ve ever had.
Here’s the thing. I’ve realized that I don’t really miss her as much as I expected to, and I’m considering breaking up with her. I honestly think this isn’t because of the distance or because I’m not physically with her, but rather because I’ve had time to reflect and I feel that our relationship has pretty much run its course.
My question is, how should I handle this? I don’t want to be the dick who breaks off a long-distance relationship via a phone call or FaceTime, but I feel it’s also not right to stay with her through the rest of the summer only to immediately give her the bad news once we both get back on campus. It’s a bit of a conundrum, and I’d appreciate your opinion.
CJ
Hey CJ,
I’ve answered a question similar to this before, and my advice isn’t going to change much, but maybe I can give you a new perspective that will help you get through this conundrum, as you accurately describe it.
In your situation, I think the difference between breaking up via phone or breaking up in person is negligible. That is, there’s good and bad to both approaches, and neither is “right.” Here are a few things to consider.
If you break up with your girlfriend over the phone, you lose some of the intimacy of being there in person. So that’s a drawback for sure. But you provide her with the opportunity to deal with the initial pain and shock while she’s surrounded by her family. If she draws comfort from being with her family–not everyone does–then that could be a good way for her to cope. She can also begin processing this change without having to deal with homework, attending class, moving, and all the other changes that come from starting a new semester. If you wait until you’re back at school, she may feel like you’re giving her more respect by doing it in person. She may feel better by seeing your body language, by being able to hug you good-bye. But then she’s starting the new school year on a shitty note.
Phone, in-person, as long as it’s not by Post It note.
Maybe it’s helpful to consider what your goals are here. You want to end this relationship. You want to do it in a respectful manner. You don’t want to make it any more painful than it has to be. What do you think will help you accomplish these aims? There’s your answer. Beth, just tell me what to do for the love of God. Fine, fine, ya tyrant. If it were me? Phone. I’d want to spend those first few days curled up on my parents’ couch, having them feed me and telling me I’m going to be okay.
Here’s one more nugget to munch on: when you break up with someone, you are perceived as the bad guy. You are. You can’t avoid it. And you shouldn’t, when you know that it’s not right to be with someone any more. It’s very uncomfortable to know that you’ve caused someone pain, and to know that people might be thinking badly of you. Hard decisions often come with these types of consequences. It doesn’t make it the wrong decision, it just means you’re in a difficult position. Know that it will pass, everyone will heal, and in time someone else will be the bad guy.
-Beth
Got something brewing in your life? Send me an email–style, etiquette, relationships–I answer it all:askawoman@dappered.com
Odds are that if the girl is going to react badly to breaking up with you, she’s going to find a reason to do that whether you do it over the phone or in person. Pair that with the fact that if you’re a decent guy, it’s not going to feel good no matter what you do, and the answer becomes pretty easy. Don’t waste either of your time. Be honest, even cite your reasons for doing it now over the phone, but by all means, do it.
Precisely this. This sort of breakup will never be easy on either party, and you’ll always be the bad guy… at least for a while. However, if you are respectful and break up with her the right way, some girls eventually get over the hurt and will appreciate what you did (but likely never say it to your face).
As for your particular situation, you’re getting really close to the start of the school year, so the timing is a bit mute at this point (if it were June, it’d be a no-brainer to do it now and over the phone). However, I would still consider going the phone route. It’ll allow her to begin processing the breakup before having to be back on campus and possibly running into you, your friends, her friends, etc.
Breaking up with someone is very unpleasant even as the “break-er”. That being said, you are already on the dumping-train and you should see this through as quickly as possible.
My recommendation is to pick up your phone RIGHT NOW. Call the girl and, in a calm but firm tone say the following words, “Hey, I have to tell you that our relationship is no longer making me happy. I don’t think we can salvage it and we should both have an opportunity to find something that works. I’m sorry this is painful but I don’t think anything will be solved by talking about this right now.” Then politely respond to anything she has to say in a noncommittal way but for no more than a minute and insist the best thing to do is get off the phone. Following a script like this given to me by a friend helped in my last breakup.
PS: Beth, I think slapping the post-it note on the cop car while stoned is up there among the best moments in television.
There’s one other thing to remember. When someone breaks up with you, getting a little mad at the person and thinking they are a bit of a jerk can be a coping mechanism. Sour grapes, etc. She may think that a bit at first (whether or not she communicates it to you). If you do it over the phone, even though that’s totally fine in your situation, she may latch on to that as a reason to tell her friends for the next few weeks “he was a jerk, can you believe he broke up by phone?!” But in truth she’s just trying to get over being hurt. Do you really want to rob her of her coping mechanism? haha.
When I break up with someone, I remember two things. First, don’t be a jerk, treat her with respect. But second, if I’m super super worried about preserving her image of me, I’m actually being selfish. It’s ok for her to get a little angry at me…. I’ve always gotten at least a little angry at people who’ve broken up with me, at least for a little while. It helps deal with the loss!
If you do it now, and over the phone, depending your circle of friends and size of your school, you will most likely see her again around campus or at the same bars, coffee shops, etc. You should probably have a few talking points prepared for that eventuality. It probably won’t go well, but you should have something to say. I don’t think you should apologize again, but you should acknowledge that a) she might be very angry and b) you may see each other again on occasion, and you’d like to try to make it as comfortable and respectful as possible.
I recently broke up with my girlfriend over the phone, I knew that the in-person encounter would be cause for more issues, she would have to drive far to see me just for a quick decision statement, moreover she would be upset in her drive back home. I’d much rather avoid that for both our sakes. There really is no way to win here, you’re going to hurt someone’s feelings either way.
In the immediate period after the break-up, we will always be viewed as the mean dude who had no feelings, but once the dust settles, everything returns to equilibrium. We just have to make these choices in life lest we settle and end up struggling to overcome the things that are bothering us in our relationships and cause a worst ‘break-up’ situation down the road rather than do it while the consequences are relatively benign.
there’s no mention of how long you’ve been together, but from what i can gather, we’re talking months, at most. maybe this won’t be as devastating to her as you’re assuming. hell, maybe she’s thinking the same thing you are. you’re both in college, after all. seeing as how it’s practically september, it may not matter by now, but fret a little less and just have the conversation.
I think ending a relationship in person should always be the default option, unless we’re talking about an actual long distance relationship (which I don’t think this qualifies as, since you’re in college and just home for the summer). Choosing to have an adult conversation in person shows maturity, and it will serve you better in the long run. Also, we’re almost in the last week of August. You’ll be back at school very soon. Do the mature thing and I think you’ll be happy you did.
Think the better advice that I’m seeing here is that you have to do it once you know it’s over. Phone or in person, at least having a conversation and not text/email/carrier pigeon.