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The lesser of three break-up evils: email, phone, in-person

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If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday.  She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked.  That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com .

 

Hello Beth,

I have been in a long-distance relationship with a woman for a bit now, but, for various reasons (all personal and not really pertinent), I think it has come time for us to go our separate ways. The problem: I’m not sure how best to do this without being completely rude. I have no expectations of the break up being “nice.” They never are. I simply want to do things “gracefully.”

The issue isn’t the wording or any of that; it’s the medium. I can think of three possible options, all of which I see at least some downside: text/email, phone, in person.

1. Text/Email: No, just no.

2. Phone: Still seems impersonal to me.

3. In person: We live 8+ hours (by car) from each other. Any in person contact requires planning and getting time off from work.

Do you have any input to make this any easier for the both of us?

– Trying To Be Nice

 

Hi TTBN,

Look at that, people are starting to sign their emails with these descriptors instead of their real names. It’s like I’m Dear Abby, right? Right?

You’re in a bit of a pickle, my friend. Text/email is a no-go, as you sagely noted. It’s impersonal, it’s unfeeling, it’s disrespectful. In person doesn’t seem wise, either. You’d have to tell the person you’re coming to see her/him. If you don’t give any hint as to why, she’ll think she’s in for a fun weekend with you. She might take time off of work, make dinner reservations or buy tickets to a show. For sure she’ll tell everyone in her life–“My long-distance boyfriend is coming to visit unexpectedly! He’s the best!”  Wah, wah. If you DO give her a hint as to why, you’ll both know what’s coming. You’ll both spend the following 8 hours dreading your arrival. And what’s the best case scenario there? You show up, have a miserable conversation (which you’ve both been rehearsing in your heads for the last day) about why it’s not working, then you spend the night in a hotel and drive back. That’s even if she lets you come. If my boyfriend called and said he wanted to come visit because he needed to talk to me about “something” I wouldn’t let him come without giving me an agenda first. At which point I’d say, hey, let’s do this over the phone. Which leads me to…

…your best bet is a phone call. OR, if using the phone really bothers you, a Gmail video chat or Skype session, so that you can be face to face, sort of.  It’s not ideal, there’s no doubt about that, but it’s the best you can do in your circumstance. Try to get her on the phone (or computer) on a day and at a time when you know she doesn’t have any pressing commitments (i.e., before work is not a good idea). If she works a regular M-F, 9-5 job, evenings or the weekend would be best. Acknowledge that you hate that you can’t have this conversation in person, but you thought this was the best option given your circumstances. Be honest without being cruel, don’t hedge (no “I think we should take a break…maybe in the future if our lives are different” BS), and try to be compassionate.

Worst case break-up scenario right here, folks. She writes a song about you and it goes to #1 on the Billboard charts.

Incidentally, if this takes her by surprise and she still wants to be with you, she’s definitely going to make the fact that you broke up with her over the phone part of the “[Insert your name here] is an asshole” narrative of your break-up. She’ll be hurt and it’s easier to deal with that pain if the person who hurt you is a dick. So if you have mutual friends who might be hearing from her, just be prepared that that’s the story she’ll spin. I’m hoping your friends are smart enough not to get embroiled in this situation, but if they do…

Sorry you have to go through this. Break-ups are terrible, but you’re doing the right thing by trying to be as considerate as possible. I wish you the best.

-Beth

Got a question for Beth? Send it to: askawoman@dappered.com

Comments

  1. Wow, an actual (snail mail) letter doesn’t even get a mention? I guess I’m showing my age by even thinking of it.

  2. Wow, in this day and age that might actually be worse. “Ooo Look a hand written letter, this is exciting. Oh wait, hold on, what the f@#$?! That guy is such a asshole”

  3. I’m still partial to breaking up with someone by using a sky writing service.

  4. There’s always disappearing from the Internet entirely, never responding to texts or calls, and perhaps faking your own death.

  5. Without knowing the reasons for breaking up with the girl, how long you’ve been dating, how serious it is, etc., it’s more difficult to determine how you should go about the breakup. I agree that it sounds like a phone call is the best option with the facts given.

    However…and this will probably get a lot of backlash from the more “gentlemanly” posters (who like to term themselves gentlemen, which is a different topic, but back on topic), but it’s a plausible option here…depending on your circumstances, you might also want to consider a fade out approach to the breakup. You’re already long-distance, so lower your level of contact/accessability gradually. Rather than surprise slapping her in the face with the “this isn’t working for me” all at once, it will let her down a little at a time rather than pulling the rug out from under her. It may come to a point in a few weeks with her asking what’s wrong, but she’ll be more prepared for the impending end. Consider which is actually more considerate to the girl and whether your reasons for wanting to have a breakup talk are more to alleviate your guilt or for her wellbeing. And who knows, maybe it’ll just fade out fully and you never have to have the terrible, drawn-out breakup talk.

    It doesn’t always work, and YMMV, but–to pre-answer some of the counter-arguments likely to come–I’ve had great success with this for relatively nascent relationships and have become friends later on with some of the girls. On the other hand, some girls will think you’re an asshole, but they probably would think/say the same if you give some grand breakup speech, too. Sometimes two people aren’t meant to be in a romantic relationship with each other — no need to make it into an over-dramatized movie breakup/DTR scene every time.

  6. Wow, that got long real fast…

    TL/DR version: Phone is the best option, but you already knew that. Consider a fade out approach to contact for a few weeks to foreshadow the impending end of the relationship.

  7. Of course, the other side to the “fade out” is that you’re prolonging a relationship for her that you’ve already effectively ended, which is a bit unfair. If it makes the breakup easier for her, it might work out okay. But, on the other hand, it may prevent her from moving on with her life as soon as perhaps she ought to.

    I think this approach CAN work, but, more often than not, I think it ends up selfish rather than thoughtful.

  9. Ha, thanks Joe — couldn’t recall if that was a Dappered or Art of Manliness article (and was too lazy to look it up).

  10. Fade out may seem like you are being kind but you are just postponing the inevitable. IMO the sooner you do it the sooner they both parties start healing. If it was significant relationship fade out will barely make a dent in the pain to come. If it wasn’t significant then it shouldn’t matter that much at all. Just my 2c

  11. All fair points — it doesn’t make sense in all situations by any means, but it is an approach to at least consider / think about before dismissing as rude/ungentlemanly.

    And generally speaking, I have good manners and do my best to be “gentlemanly” in my behavior, so it isn’t like I buck traditional views on the reg.

  12. I did Skype and it went perfectly fine (relatively…), but if you don’t use it already, it can be weird.

  13. Pfff. I received my “Dear John” email back in 1998. This was way before it was considered taboo. And it was the day before Valentine’s Day. So all that planning and money……went to buying a new computer.
    The last breakup involved a text. But I have too much self-respect to let somebody get away with that so I immediately called her and said, “No, we’re talking about this right now.” Which we did. I gave her the space she needed to think things through then she dumped me.
    Woe is me.

  15. Have a cake delivered to her place that simply reads “it’s over.” 😛

  16. Faking my own death is my go-to solution for all my problems. Few cents short at the grocery? Whoops–aneurysm. Upcoming in-law family reunion? You know, babe, I’d love to go if it weren’t for my smallp– gurgle gurgle

  17. Or how about:

    “Wishing you a sweet life without me.”
    “Have your cake and break up too.”
    “Icing your praises as a person, but it’s over.”
    “It’s not you, it’s cake.”
    “You gave me your heart, I gave you a cake.”