Ask A Woman: I knight thee chivalrous!
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Chivalry. It’s a word—and practice—that people tend to have strong feelings about. I’ve heard rumor that there are women out there who feel uncomfortable with having the door held open for them; I’ve heard of men who detest having the expectation of door-holding thrust upon them. Gotta be honest—I’ve yet to meet a person who actually feels this way. The women I know love a display of chivalry, and the men I know are happy to oblige. If you fall into the category of chivalry-hater, well, this post isn’t for you. I speak today to those who like to indulge in a little old-fashioned courtesy. Here are some easy-to-accomplish acts of chivalry that will make you feel good about being a gentleman, and charm those you’re being chivalrous towards. Incidentally, these acts of chivalry don’t have to be gender-specific. If you’re a woman wanting to be chivalrous towards other women, by all means—same goes for any other combination of genders. Enjoy.
Hold open the door
Yes. Classic, but still. Maybe it’s just where I live—the polite Midwest—but I can’t get through a crowded door in public without some fine gentleman holding it open for me. Every time. And you know what? It thrills me every time. Here is someone I don’t know, glancing behind themselves, seeing a stranger, and stepping aside to hold open the door simply as an act of respect. I also swoon when my husband does it. He actually leaps forward if I’m walking ahead of him, in order to grab the door before I do. By the way, this was a learned act for him—when we first got together and even after we were first married, it wasn’t instinctual. One day he just started doing it and now it’s a habit. Easy brownie points, fellas.
Pay for a meal or a drink
Heyyyy remember when we had that conversation about how men shouldn’t have to pay for everything? That still stands. But, paying for a meal (not ALL the meals) or a couple drinks when you’re out with a woman is definitely a chivalrous act. And, this can be done during an evening spent with any woman—your mom, your sister, a good friend. Remember, chivalry is really just another way to take care of someone. Your mom took care of you for all those years. Treat her to dinner.
Sir Robin’s excellent example of knightly chivalry and bravery.
Fill up your woman’s tank of gas
Whoa, that sounded dirty. Hey now! Let’s move away from the possible metaphorical meanings of that statement and be literal. Literally, I’m talking about taking your lady’s car to the gas station and putting gas in it. This is especially sweet when done before she takes a road trip, or on Sunday evening before the beginning of a grueling work week. No one likes to be five minutes late on a Monday morning and realize they’ve gotta stop at the Shell station.
Start your other half’s car
Can you tell I’m writing this after suffering through months of subzero temperatures? If you know your wife leaves the house everyday at 7am (and you’re living in one of the states that has turned into an ice floe), why not trot out to the driveway and start that engine at 6:50? If the car’s been outside all night and has gathered frost, you can also scrape the windshield for her. She’ll be so grateful. Along these same lines, running to get the car (while she waits inside) if you’ve parked far away while at a restaurant or event away from home is another very chivalrous act.
Give up your seat
Like holding open the door, this one is as likely to benefit a stranger as it is someone you’re in a relationship with. When riding public transportation or in a crowded waiting room, if you’ve got a steady pair of legs, why not give up your seat to a person who is standing and seems to need the seat more than you do? Someone who is elderly, disabled, pregnant, or carrying something heavy, regardless of gender, will surely be thankful for the gesture.
Guys, got any more easy ways to practice chivalry?
-Beth
Got a question for Beth? Send it to: askawoman@dappered.com
Starting your better half’s car is a really easy one that wins a lot of points. I do it almost every morning, and in Minnesota, that means something.
Re: Doors –
If the door opens out, holding it is pretty easy. Doors opening inward seem to cause a problem for many. I can’t tell how you many times I see someone (with their heart in the right place!) push open the door while still standing outside and forcing the other people to awkwardly shimmy by them.
Just walk through and hold the door behind you! Not that hard!
For me, it’s letting our dog out, first thing in the morning, so my wife can get 5 more minutes of sleep and not have to deal with the cold.
If you’ve got a formal event and are bringing the important ladies in your life, a small corsage can be really well received.
The gas tank one is new to me, though when at the gas station in her car, whether I am driving or not, I fill up the tank. The starting the car is new as well, but I haven’t lived up north since I could be classified as a stupid kid.
One that I have is, since I live in a “city” and when my girl comes over she has to park in a downtown parking garage; I always walk her to her car when she leaves.
One that has gone out of style a bit (at least where I am, at fancy restaurants the waitors do it for you) is pulling out the chair and pushing it back in at dinner.
Another dinner related one I just learned, and find a little obnoxious is this “order food for your date.” Whether it be just repeating what she told you she wanted, or flat out just ordering for her without discussion. I’ll never do this, with one exception, ethnic food if she is clueless about it.
I luck out in this situation. I’m 6’3″ with some long monkey arms, so I can hold open the inward doors and play a game of London Bridge with my girlfriend (helps that she is 5’4″ too). Just have to make sure I put on that speedstick.
Jousting, for sure. Ladies love the smell of combat. They also love when you wear “our coat” that they will inevitably steal at the end of the night.
I wouldn’t dream of ordering for her without discussion – of making the decision of what she’s going to eat for her. But I routinely ask my wife what she’s decided on before the waiter arrives. When he does, I say “The lady will have …” and give her order, then I give my own. I pull out her chair when we arrive – I have seldom seen the waiter do that – and I stand up briefly if she gets up to go to the restroom. I do all the other standard stuff as well – holding the door, opening her car door and offering a hand as she stands up, if we’re arriving, or as she sits down and situates herself in the car as we’re preparing to leave, etc. I’m in my late 40s and have lived in the deep south my whole life, so most of this stuff is so deeply ingrained that I don’t even think about it.
Same here! I’ve permanently volunteered for morning dog duty (although I’ve traded off the post-dinner walk to her, so I’m not sure if it’s still quite as chivalrous)!
I live in the deep south now as well, but haven’t grown up here. I agree a lot of guys down here seem to have this stuff ingrained. I recently learned about something called cotillion. I’m baffled.
The chair thing i’ve had to back off on after I nearly body checked the waiter trying to get to the chair first.
I always let the lady order first, but I associate talking for my girl with making her walk 10 feet behind me at all times, just some archaic stuff.
Not saying I disagree with the spirit of the car-starting advice (I also live in a city that gets cold in the winter), but a) my eco-friendly girlfriend would be horrified, and b) the local police and news started warning people here not to leave their running cars unattended to warm up after cold weather hit and the rate of auto theft skyrocketed. Just food for thought.
Standing up when a lady arrives/leaves is something that is being lost, I feel. I’ve been doing the warm weather items here all my life (live in So Cal, so no need to warm up the car or, but that one seems to have slipped by the wayside along the way. I’ll have to reimplement it. Thanks for the reminder.
An oft forgotten act of chivalry is where to walk while walking a woman down the sidewalk. A gentleman should walk on the outside of the sidewalk (the side nearest the street). It protects her from getting splashed by puddles from passing cars, or from traffic dangers.
Also, don’t forget to give up your coat if she’s cold, your umbrella if it’s raining, or get the car while she waits in bad weather.
As for the door, don’t forget the car door getting in and out of the car.
I do all of those things but don’t open the car door or pull out her chair at dinner. I tried doing that a couple of times and always felt it was awkward for some reason, like I was trying too hard or maybe it was chauvinistic? Don’t know, those things just feel different from the others
In my experience not all girls want to sit in the car while you make your way around and let her out.
I drive an old car with no power locks, so I always go up to the passenger side and unlock her door and open and close it for her when she’s getting in. I enjoy it. But then when we park she will get out on her own. If I’m taking her out to dinner or it’s a “special” time then I’ll tell her not to get out yet and then do it for her, but if we’re just hanging out I know she would get annoyed if I constantly made her wait. Especially in the summer, as I don’t have air conditioning.
this is the sole reason for doing dumbbell flys in the gym. holding the door open becomes a breeze.
“Someone who is elderly, disabled, pregnant, or carrying something heavy” If they fit all four of these criteria than it should be mandatory.
I totally get that and completely agree (and my wife and I are the same way too). I was just pointing out the tradition, not the practicality of it in long running relationships.
I still try to open the car door (and other doors) for my wife whenever I can, but generally it is just not practical for her to wait for me to get around to open her door so we decided to forego that item as well (she would get annoyed too if she had to wait every time). Sometimes I still catch it if she’s gathering her things/purse and doesn’t get around to opening the door.
pulling out the chair at a restaurant almost never works.
but, every now and then the car door is easy points. if you approach your car and you pass her door first (say, you’re street parked), it’s a nice gesture to unlock the car and open her door for her.
On a city sidewalk, don’t make the lady walk on the steel grates. It’s a practical thing. women’s heels can and do get stuck in between the slats of a grate. Do your lady friends and co-workers a solid and arrange yourself so that you’re walking over the grate and she’s walking on solid pavement.
Certainly, she’s perfectly capable of speaking for herself. She’s also perfectly capable of opening a door, pulling out a chair and standing up on a bus or in a waiting room. I’m not sure why placing her order would be considered archaic but giving her my seat would not. But if you dislike doing it, then by all means don’t. I think that most courtesy is somewhat like dressing well – it has an effect on other people but it is really something you do for yourself because you like what it says about you and who you are. If it makes either one of you uncomfortable, then don’t do it.
Yeah, that’s the way to do it. I always head to her side when I get out anyway, so if shes taking longer than normal I’ll get over and open her door.
The chair thing can be awkward at first, but you need to remember that shes probably never done it. She might not even know what shes supposed to do, so you have to do it with confidence. It’s just a little something extra to do on dates.
That’s one thing my wife will never do, even if I offer. She has a contact allergy to wool, and pretty much all my outerwear is wool.
helping her put her coat on is a quintessential move from deep in the chivalrous playbook.
Or just walk through the door first and hold it behind you! I thought holding the door for a woman (or elderly person?) is about them not having to open the door, not about entering a room/building first.
Yeah that’s definitely out. Ain’t nobody got time fo dat!
Are the lances made of merino?
Wait. Oh, oh I see what you were talking about.
Yes. I consider myself immune to both this and the tank filling, since I 1) don’t know how to pump gas and 2) haven’t been behind a steering wheel in years.
That wouldn’t look nearly as ridiculous, and is therefore unacceptable.
My lance might as well be
*sad trombone music*
*canned laughter*
I enjoy and encourage chivalry, but something like holding open doors is just common courtesy, regardless of gender. If you’re not chivalrous, at least have manners…
Every woman is different, but it pays to understand which of the “five love languages” is important to her. You might be all about affirmations or physical affection, but those might be really low priorities for her and what she really wants is a gift or just your time. The fifth ‘language’ is acts of service like these, but it’s only a small piece of the picture.
Once I understood that what my wife really wanted was my time and my words, doing little things to help make her day better became immediately simpler. For some people, just spending an extra few minutes hanging around is a chivalrous gesture. For others, little gifts like flowers every once in a while makes the difference. Pay attention and you’ll quickly learn which works for you.
Occasionally when my wife and I are out to dinner with one of her “single” friends I’ll not only pay for our dinner, but also her friend’s meal as well. That seems to score points for me afterwards…
I caught a lot of flack once for not giving up my seat at 4am on a bus. I had worked a triple shift (as a server) and spent a good deal of my day standing up. Last thing on my mind was whether I should give the pretty young lady getting on the bus my seat or not. She actually was attractive too, but I wasn’t in the mood to socialize with anyone. Anyway the other people on the bus, and when she got off (before I did) someone else on the bus made a comment to me about it.
I think the speeding up part is forced and awkward but I always hold the door some the people following me regardless of gender.
In a swingin’ sense, if you will? hahaha
This post is win just from the inclusion of Monty Python. That’s always a win in my books.
Be aware that this kind of behavior is both largely seen as polite and respectful and can be a form of something called benevolent sexism. It’s somewhat paradoxical, but the truth is the same stuff which can get you brownie points with women is also, when examined, at least implying that women are weak.
Not all forms of sexism are hostile, or are overtly negative. The idea that women should be cherished and protected by men as a rule, even if meant well, reinforces a double-standard when it comes to gender roles. Consider two hypothetical men: one man only holds the door open for women, because he’s the man and men do that for women, the other holds doors for anyone he considers might appreciate it, regardless of gender. What does the first man’s policy say about him when compared to the second? Consider the act of asking a father for his daughter’s hand in marriage. Certainly, jt seems like an “old fashioned” way to show respect, but it is actually a tradition dating back to daughters basically being property transferred from father to husband. Fathers don’t generally own daughters anymore, and that’s a good thing. Actions like this imply that women are dependent on strong, provider men. I don’t like what that says about men or women. Terms like “strong”, “provider”, and “dependent” are independent of gender in reality. There are dependent men, there are strong women and women who are providers.
Despite this, though, this kind of behavior is almost universally rewarded and reinforced. As a result of this, men are far less likely to recognize benevolent sexism (Study: “Seeing the Unseen Attention to Daily Encounters With Sexism as Way to Reduce Sexist Beliefs”). I had no idea benevolent sexism even existed until I was in my 20s, when someone clued me in to what it was, and I started thinking about it.
Chivalry isn’t bad in an of itself, but by thinking that men should act this way towards women does carry with it a set of implications we might not be okay with. Also, jousting is crazy dangerous.
You probably won’t be finding too many pregnant elderly ladies out there. 😉
….and don’t forget the Sony rule from Bronx Tale (It takes a minute or two)
Or for upper chest development in general. But also for the holding of especially heavy doors, I guess.
I just don’t love the car door thing. If she’s carrying something or I’m going to that side of the car anyway, then sure. But it’s so uncommon that, frankly, it’s a bit awkward. Holding a door isn’t awkward because even were it uncommon, you’re not going out of your way to do so. But opening a car door is like opening a door for someone then NOT going through the door. It’s a bit weird, right?
Also, if I have an umbrella when it’s raining, I hope she has the good sense to find someone else.
Umbrellas. Pah!
This can be taken both ways though. Some women reinforce this on their own as well. I have been out before and seen a woman just standing at a door waiting for it to be opened by the gent who was shifting the shopping bags in his hands. I have also taken a lady out before and despite her being a few steps ahead of me didn’t open the door, but let me open it for her. I didn’t mind all that much, and I gladly will open the door for a lady in my presence, be it friend or stranger, but if I am 5 steps behind you, why not open it yourself. In both cases, these ladies were not high class, socialite, royalty (or at least didn’t appear so) who grew up this way. This was a sexism that they put on the man to be the “strong”, “provider” male. Sexism goes both ways, as do racism and many other prejudices, however it seems that the blame is almost always placed on those of a Caucasian heritage particularly those in which the gender is male, aka the White Anglo-Saxon Protestant (WASP).
As for me, I will continue to be chivalrous, or courteous, as it befits me, and if someone wishes to take that as a sexist move, then screw ’em. It is part of who I am. If I open a car door, or offer you more of the umbrella in the rain, it’s not because I think you need me to do so, its because I like you enough to care and want to make a good impression.
In this day and age, you never know.
I typically don’t open the car door when getting out of the car either. Firstly, my now-ex would almost always get out on her own when we were parked. I tried one time when she was fumbling around with her purse and I felt like I was rushing her to get out of the car, she echoed that feeling later on as well.
I don’t typically use an umbrella either, but I keep one in my car, or will carry it in with me if it is raining really hard. I have done this ever since the day I made a great friend with a very attractive girl in college that I could never get the courage up to talk to. She had left hers in her car before class and was waiting for a friend with a small umbrella to run to the the first’s car and grab the umbrella and come back. On a rainy day, an umbrella can be a great icebreaker.
Ordering for her is taking over her prerogative to express her thoughts and desires for herself, whereas giving up your seat for her or holding open a door (ideally) just makes physically moving through the world a little easier or more comfortable for her. The former carries the baggage of women not having the right to self-determination in a way the latter does not.
One thing that isn’t mentioned here, but that I see all the time, is allowing women onto and off of elevators first. This is, I suppose, fine and courteous for the most part. However, if it requires slowing the whole process down because I have to get out of the way awkwardly to allow her to enter first or if it causes me to have to stand right by the door and her in the back of the crowded elevator despite my floor being the last stop and hers being the first, I’m not going to observe that particular custom and view doing so as actually less courteous than just getting on with it in the most efficient manner.
Two words: Remote Start
Internalized sexism is a thing too, and I think that’s what you’re referring to and isn’t at all a symptom of whiteness, class, or anything, women can be sexist against women, poor people can be classist, people can hold negative stereotypes against their own race. Just as men are socialized to execute those behaviors that place them in an uneven power dynamic, women are socialized to receive those behaviors, like waiting for a guy with an armload of groceries to open the door. That’s almost the linchpin of the whole thing and why social progress is so hard to achieve because someone sees a woman/gay person/wookie who thinks “X” incidence of sexism/homophobia/galactic empire is “no big deal to me” then people say “well, this specific woman/gay person/wookie thinks it’s not a big deal, so it’s not a big deal”. I think Will’s point about the two sets of intentions “opens doors for everyone because it’s the polite thing to do/opens doors for women because he’s a man and them’s the rules” is the important takeaway, and judging by your last sentence you guys seem to agree 🙂
Nah.
Puling out – and pushing in- her chair in a bar/restaurant is also simple yet effective.
A genuine compliment always seems appropriate. “Your hair’s lovely today” or “I love your necklace” sets your time together off with a smile. No need to dwell. Short and sweet. This goes hand-in-hand with paying attention in general. As in, noticing that she just got her hair done or that her necklace is new. You may just get a compliment back.
If you have feelings against chivalry towards either sex, just do it for everyone. Who doesn’t appreciate a door held open for them, a free round, or a seat?