Should I Ask Her Out in Person?

Ask A Woman: Phone versus Face-to-Face.

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Hey Beth,

I have a bit of a internal conflict. There’s a young woman I’m interested in, and I’m debating between asking her on a date in person, or via phone. Personally, I want to ask her in person. However, we live on opposite ends of a big city, so to ask her in person, it’d almost feel like planning a date to ask her on a date. So I thought of asking her via phone, which while practical, just doesn’t feel right. So I’m stuck. Any insights?

– Jon

 

Hi Jon,

Interesting quandary. People make a big deal “these days” about how young people are always on their phones (although this is usually a complaint about texting), and no one has any face-to-face social skills and important decisions are being made without the intimacy of actual contact. This is all true in my book…though I can’t help but think about how television, women wearing pants in public, and gay marriage were all supposed to ruin society, too, and that hasn’t happened (yet–I have a pretty snazzy pair of black trousers that I plan on wearing to the grocery store this week, could be the beginning of the end). So I think it’s understandable that you’re trying to ditch the phone and do it old school style.

But…all you’re doing is asking a girl out on a date. I would definitely advise you to call her–not text–simply because it’s easier to ask if she wants to go to dinner, and then decide on a time, day and place, rather than exchange 15 text messages. It sounds like you don’t see her on a regular basis, so a phone call is totally appropriate. You don’t need to schedule a time to see her to ask her formally on a date. Think about how that would work. You’d have to call her to set it up, so you’re using the phone again, and if you asked her to coffee and you don’t normally do that, she might assume it’s a date anyway. Then when you say, with great flourish and drama, “Will you, Sandy, go on a date with me?” it might seem like overkill…since really, what’s the difference between the coffee you’re having in the moment and the dinner you end up having later in the week?

 

If you do decide to ask her out in person…can’t be Lloyd Dobler’s approach, amiright?

Call her. Don’t make a thing out of it. As I’ve said before in this space, dating (as in initial dating, before exclusivity or shared signed leases) is really not a big deal. It feels like a big deal because you’re usually nervous when you ask someone out (what if your voice cracks?) and they could say no (how embarrassing), and you might have a terrible time (so uncomfortable), and even if you have a good time what if they don’t (you’d be a chump without knowing it), and even if you both have a good time they might stop returning your phone calls in a month (failure, rejection, self-loathing).

It doesn’t have to be this way! We can, as individuals, as a Dappered community, as THE WORLD AT LARGE, begin to train ourselves to see dating differently. Dating is getting to know someone. It’s finding out if you have similar tastes in movies, if you can make each other laugh over dinner, if you can put up with her grinding her teeth when she sleeps and if she’s willing to tolerate the terrible puns you make at every opportunity. Dating is not commitment. It might still hurt your feelings if, after 3 dates, she says she’s just not that into you, but long-term, what’s the real damage? You took a chance to get to know someone, and you lost 3 nights of your life. Not high stakes. On to the next.

-Beth

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