The Glengarry Glen Ross Guide to Smartphones

This post was dictated / shouted by Blake and transcribed by Paul. Many of you will recognize Blake from the movie Glengarry Glen Ross. If you haven’t see the movie, it’s worth a watch.

You ready, Paul? Well, fuck you. I’m going anyway.

Let’s talk about something important. Whenever there’s a post on Dappered about cell phones, the comment section immediately devolves into an argument about the relative merits of Android vs. Apple. But that’s nearly never what it’s really about, it’s about value, and the single biggest thing you can do to stretch your cell phone dollars is simple: buy your fucking phone. That’s what these posts are about. Buy. Your. Fucking. Phone. B-Y-F-P – it’s simple to remember.

B- Buy
Y- Your
F- Fucking
P- Phone

Buy. Your. Fucking. Phone.

Don’t lease it. Don’t sign a two-year contract. Buy your fucking phone, B-Y-F-P.

This is Dappered; it’s not a technology site. Dappered is not trying to compete with Engadget and TechCrunch and Wired. Let them tell you about the latest and greatest and why you should pay top-dollar for the newest, bestest thing. That’s what they do. They’re basically an extension of the Apple and Google and Samsung and Microsoft marketing machine. Dappered wants you to get better bang-for-your-buck than that, wants to help you filter out the marketing shouting match, so buy your fucking phone, B-Y-F-P.

Dappered wants you to save money so you can buy more pants or a nice suit or a new pair of shoes or a custom-made shirt or a new watch, so buy your fucking phone.

The free phone isn’t free. The $200 phone isn’t $200. They’re more expensive than that. That’s the phone layaway plan and it’s significantly more expensive. Buy your fucking phone. B-Y-F-P. Buy. Your. Fucking. Phone.

Want an iPhone? Fine. I don’t give a shit if you want an iPhone. Just fucking buy your goddamn iPhone – don’t buy a subsidized one. Dappered doesn’t give a shit if you buy an Android phone; they’re just good deals. They are a fantastic value. They both do 99.9% the same fucking thing. Don’t quote me app counts or processor speeds or marketing drivel. You say: My phone has 4G! My phone has NFC! My phone has a 4″ screen! My phone has a panorama camera! My phone has a sphere camera! You know what my phone has? FUCK YOU! That’s what my phone has.

They’re all the same fucking thing, just buy whatever fucking one you want. But fucking buy it outright and know what you’re paying, don’t buy it on layaway. Buy your fucking phone, B-Y-F-P.

Don’t believe me? Screw off! Look at the numbers:

[Note: At this point, Blake flips over a chalkboard and is pounding on it for emphasis. Bits of chalk are flying everywhere as he reads through what he’s written. Here’s the text:]

On-contract phones @ $75 a month, 2-year contract:

$0 on-contract iPhone 4 + $75 a month = $1,800 over 2 years
$99 on-contract iPhone 4S + $75 a month = $1,900 over 2 years
$200 on-contract any-fucking-Android-or-iPhone + $75 a month = $2,000 over 2 years

Off-contract phones (on StraightTalk or Virgin):

$650 unlocked iPhone 5 + $45 a month = $1,730 over 2 years
$550 unlocked iPhone 4S + $45 a month = $1,630 over 2 years
$300 Nexus 4 + $45 a month = $1,380 over 2 years
$250 Nokia Lumia 620 + $45 a month = $1,350 over 2 years
$450 Virgin iPhone 4S + $30 a month (autopay discount) = $1,170 over 2 years
$350 Virgin iPhone 4 + $30 a month (autopay discount) = $1,070 over 2 years
$150 HTC One V + $35 a month (Virgin Mobile) = $990 over 2 year

[Note: He’s going through the letters again. This time he’s using his fingers to count through them, but instead of using pinky through pointy, he’s using the middle one for each letter.]

B- Buy
Y- Your
F- Fucking
P- Phone

Buy. Your. Fucking. Phone.

You’re paying $400 to $1,000 too much for your phone, and you get a hard-on over saving 10% on your Bonobos order? Give me a fucking break. Buy your fucking phone and save a grand.

Not paying $75 a month? Fine, but do the fucking math, figure out the TOTAL cost, not just the up-front cost. You may not be leaving $1,000 on the table, but you’re leaving a chunk of money behind.

It’s $70 cheaper to buy an unlocked iPhone 5 and use it on StraightTalk than to get a “free” iPhone 4, and it’s nearly $300 more expensive to buy an iPhone 5 on layaway than to buy it outright. Buy. Your. Fucking. Phone. B-Y-F-P!

Want to comment about how great your iPhone 5 is? Fuck you. Want to tell the world how awesome your new Galaxy S III is? You’re fired! Want talk about how much money you save when you buy your fucking phone or what you’ll purchase with the $1,000 I just saved you? Leave a comment below.