This post was dictated / shouted by Blake and transcribed by Paul. Many of you will recognize Blake from the movie Glengarry Glen Ross
You ready, Paul? Well, fuck you. I’m going anyway.
Let’s talk about something important. Whenever there’s a post on Dappered about cell phones, the comment section immediately devolves into an argument about the relative merits of Android vs. Apple. But that’s nearly never what it’s really about, it’s about value, and the single biggest thing you can do to stretch your cell phone dollars is simple: buy your fucking phone. That’s what these posts are about. Buy. Your. Fucking. Phone. B-Y-F-P – it’s simple to remember.
B- Buy
Y- Your
F- Fucking
P- Phone
Buy. Your. Fucking. Phone.
Don’t lease it. Don’t sign a two-year contract. Buy your fucking phone, B-Y-F-P.
This is Dappered; it’s not a technology site. Dappered is not trying to compete with Engadget and TechCrunch and Wired. Let them tell you about the latest and greatest and why you should pay top-dollar for the newest, bestest thing. That’s what they do. They’re basically an extension of the Apple and Google and Samsung and Microsoft marketing machine. Dappered wants you to get better bang-for-your-buck than that, wants to help you filter out the marketing shouting match, so buy your fucking phone, B-Y-F-P.
Dappered wants you to save money so you can buy more pants or a nice suit or a new pair of shoes or a custom-made shirt or a new watch, so buy your fucking phone.
The free phone isn’t free. The $200 phone isn’t $200. They’re more expensive than that. That’s the phone layaway plan and it’s significantly more expensive. Buy your fucking phone. B-Y-F-P. Buy. Your. Fucking. Phone.
Want an iPhone? Fine. I don’t give a shit if you want an iPhone. Just fucking buy your goddamn iPhone – don’t buy a subsidized one. Dappered doesn’t give a shit if you buy an Android phone; they’re just good deals. They are a fantastic value. They both do 99.9% the same fucking thing. Don’t quote me app counts or processor speeds or marketing drivel. You say: My phone has 4G! My phone has NFC! My phone has a 4” screen! My phone has a panorama camera! My phone has a sphere camera! You know what my phone has? FUCK YOU! That’s what my phone has.
They’re all the same fucking thing, just buy whatever fucking one you want. But fucking buy it outright and know what you’re paying, don’t buy it on layaway. Buy your fucking phone, B-Y-F-P.
Don’t believe me? Screw off! Look at the numbers:
[Note: At this point, Blake flips over a chalkboard and is pounding on it for emphasis. Bits of chalk are flying everywhere as he reads through what he’s written. Here’s the text:]
On-contract phones @ $75 a month, 2-year contract:
$0 on-contract iPhone 4 + $75 a month = $1,800 over 2 years
$99 on-contract iPhone 4S + $75 a month = $1,900 over 2 years
$200 on-contract any-fucking-Android-or-iPhone + $75 a month = $2,000 over 2 years
Off-contract phones (on StraightTalk or Virgin):
$650 unlocked iPhone 5 + $45 a month = $1,730 over 2 years
$550 unlocked iPhone 4S + $45 a month = $1,630 over 2 years
$300 Nexus 4 + $45 a month = $1,380 over 2 years
$250 Nokia Lumia 620 + $45 a month = $1,350 over 2 years
$450 Virgin iPhone 4S + $30 a month (autopay discount) = $1,170 over 2 years
$350 Virgin iPhone 4 + $30 a month (autopay discount) = $1,070 over 2 years
$150 HTC One V + $35 a month (Virgin Mobile) = $990 over 2 year
[Note: He’s going through the letters again. This time he’s using his fingers to count through them, but instead of using pinky through pointy, he’s using the middle one for each letter.]
B- Buy
Y- Your
F- Fucking
P- Phone
Buy. Your. Fucking. Phone.
You’re paying $400 to $1,000 too much for your phone, and you get a hard-on over saving 10% on your Bonobos order? Give me a fucking break. Buy your fucking phone and save a grand.
Not paying $75 a month? Fine, but do the fucking math, figure out the TOTAL cost, not just the up-front cost. You may not be leaving $1,000 on the table, but you’re leaving a chunk of money behind.
It’s $70 cheaper to buy an unlocked iPhone 5 and use it on StraightTalk than to get a “free” iPhone 4, and it’s nearly $300 more expensive to buy an iPhone 5 on layaway than to buy it outright. Buy. Your. Fucking. Phone. B-Y-F-P!
Want to comment about how great your iPhone 5 is? Fuck you. Want to tell the world how awesome your new Galaxy S III is? You’re fired! Want talk about how much money you save when you buy your fucking phone or what you’ll purchase with the $1,000 I just saved you? Leave a comment below.
As a smart consumer, I outright bought my unlocked phone, and use it with the provider of my choice. As a gentleman… I don’t need to swear to get my point across. Its a shame one can’t use the extra money they’ve saved by purchasing a phone off contract to buy some class.
…you haven’t seen Glengarry Glen Ross, have you?
I agree that swearing isn’t needed to get a point across, but that’s the reference to the movie. Here’s the scene in question:
Sorry, the swearing isn’t about class, it’s about culture. Barry is a character in a wonderful Broadway play, later movie who famously has no class. His job is to motivate you, which he does rather in the style of George Patton.
Regardless, this is both a charming parody of the play, and fundamentally true. BYOP
Look, as someone who is typing this post on an unlocked, non contract phone.
It’s not really a superior option if you don’t have the money to buy the phone outright is it?
Virgin sells older, Android-powered smartphones for as little as $35: http://www.virginmobileusa.com/shop/cell-phones/venture-phone/features/
That, plus the first month of service, and you’re only at $70 for the first month — lower than most monthly contract rates. And then the next month you can start saving for something nicer.
Ahh… duly noted! Thanks for the explanation.
Can’t really do this in Canada (or at least in Quebec). Got an unlocked phone with Bell? They give you 10% off on your bill. That’s not much.
This is a good example of how being poorer is more expensive. Less cash on hand to make the up-front investment=costs more over time. It’s by no means the only such example, but it’s a pretty good one.
Blake wasn’t in the play, he was written specifically for the movie. Crazy right? It’s what most people think of when they think of the film and Baldwin was nominated for an Oscar. For one fucking speech. Crazy!
$300 over 2 years is < $10 a month. The argument is reasonable but unless you've got $700 cash to blow on a phone, you're missing out on one lunch at Chipotle a month.
L – Love
T – This
F – Fucking
P – Post
Paul, you get coffee sir!
Love this post. True and the swearing made me laugh.
You might want to look at the T-Mobile $30 “unlimited” data, 100 minutes of talk plan because Washington DC is one of the metro areas you can get their HSPA+ “4G” speeds on the iPhone 5-compatible 1,900 MHz frequency (http://www.fiercewireless.com/story/t-mobile-expands-1900-mhz-hspa-service-10-more-markets/2012-11-20).
StraightTalk lets you choose either AT&T or T-Mobile, but only T-Mobile provides 4G speeds on StraightTalk.
Also, there’s currently no way that I know of to get an iPhone 5 on Virgin.
Maybe somebody in DC can comment on the quality of T-Mobile service.
I was going to say the exact same thing. You’re paying for a lot more than just ‘phone layaway’ such as service and data that actually works and works across the entire country. I want the background of my phone use to be invisible; grab my phone, fire the app, get the info, and stick it back in my pocket. Even with the large carriers, Verizon is much better at this than Sprint (I currently have both; iPhone 4 on Verizon and an Android on Sprint).
Being a smart consumer is about getting your money’s worth. Sounds like you are, but Verizon is not for everyone.
If you go the pre-paid route and don’t like it, you can easily switch providers without waiting two years or paying any cancellation fees.
Yep, Verizon is great, but it’s not for everyone. Personally, I’d rather have my speeds throttled with StraightTalk than be hit with an overage charge from Verizon. Verizon is expensive.
Good advice — definitely figure out how much data you use when comparing services. Virgin throttles you at 2.5GB, T-Mobile at 5GB. AT&T and Verizon usually make you pay for 2GB, then charge you more if you go over.
Videotron?
Sure … for the iPhone 5. Opt out of that and you can save $500 a year — a vacation, a suit, a lot of Chipotle, or a whole lotta Mumms.
The shouting Alec Bladwin caption is the best part.
I’m on a grandfathered in plan on T-Mobile when they had a simple 500 min plan with a 25$ add on fee for 5GB soft cap data with no contract. Total 55$, now if I want the same service I’d have to pay 70$. I buy my phones used/refurbished off ebay.
Of course, then you’ve probably got a $300+ paperweight unless you go with the major that backs your MVNO, because in the US all the major carriers use different frequencies and standards.
That said, you are clearly willing to compromise on speed, reliable connections, and functionality in order to save money. That’s a totally reasonable position, it all depends on what you value. I did that with Sprint, and after 2 years of being frustrated at my service (heck, 50%+ percent of my facebook photo uploads would fail the first or second time), I decided that I valued speed and reliable connections over a discount wireless plan. YMMV
Yes I can see how the satire would be lost if you’re unfamiliar with the allusion.
Not exactly a paperweight: unlocked smart phones hold their value in the used market reasonably well (e.g., a few months ago I sold an unlocked iPhone 4 16GB for $225).
Just thought I’d say how much I like this post from my iPhone 4S I bought contract free from Virgin Mobile US. I like to read this site for ideas on what to do with my extra hundreds of dollars.
As a gentlemen I find passive-aggressive commentary on others’ level of class to be significantly more taboo and offensive than swears. Funny how that works.
Those complaining, do none of your phones connect over Wi-Fi?
I read this post five minutes ago. I bought a new iPhone 24 hours ago. Ah, bad timing. Well, at least now I know.
I’m an iPhone guy and unless I get the newest one I will feel like a poor loser. (That’s sarcasm for the uninitiated).
Well, you need to read this: http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-device-desirable-old-device-undesirable,2862/
Coffee is for smartphone owners!
Virgin uses Sprint’s network, right? If so then it looks like it would be a viable option (in Seattle) and save about $35 per month vs. my t-mobile unlimited plan. They don’t support windows mobile yet, so that would be a deal breaker for me since my client is Microsoft. I’ll re-think this in 23 months.
Wow. I love this post. All this time I’ve avoided my signature f-bombs thinking it would spoil the forums. I speak them with contrived precision about twice a year in real life and no other swear words because I think it holds up the cinematic and dramatic value that everyone else has lost by saying it more than a couple times a month.
This post is a good example of effectively placing a swear word.
Drop the bad words sparingly and all the friends will know that when one comes out, you really mean it.
I love the idea of the post, but it’s simply not realistic for a lot
of people. Reviews for straight talk are terrible, and the cheaper
major networks like T-Mobile and Sprint even have a lot of knocks
against them versus the big two. Some people might never leave a major
city and have no major use for their phones, and luckily for them they
get to save money. Unfortunately for others, it simply costs far too
much to have sub-par service.
I love the idea of the post, but it’s simply not realistic for a lot
of people. Reviews for straight talk are terrible; even the cheaper
major networks like T-Mobile and Sprint even have a lot of knocks
against them versus the big two. Some people might never leave a major
city and have no major use for their phones, and luckily for them they
get to save money. Unfortunately for others, it simply costs far too
much to have sub-par service.
Contracts can be good if you have multiple lines/discounts/write-off/grandfathered plan/upgrade all phones on every lines and sell upgrades that are not needed/travel a lot overseas for biz and don’t want to mess around with switching to local (aka you’re loaded and couldn’t care less about the savings). Lastly, it depends how much you make. If you make $100+ an hour, paying $80-100 for a month of service isn’t much. Otherwise, prepaid is the way to go. I have nexus4 with t-mo $30 plan and it’s perfect for me, which at the end is all that matters.
Keep the comments civil, but by all means load up the original article with extensive profanity, even if it’s extensive profanity adapted from a film. Disappointing to see so much profanity from Dappered. But calm down: I’m a prude. It’s not you; it’s me.
kinda ignores that fact that a lot of folks dont want an iphone… i agree with the simple wireless and virgin type stuff.
I paid 70 a month for a blackberry i bought 2nd hand for $30 for almost 2 years… i should have been paying like 30….. was raped by my own ignorance.
pageplus wireless rents the verizon lines so good coverage. Plans not for everyone though.
Yeah, and unfortunately, the 3G-only phones that you can use on PP are getting long in the tooth. If I could easily switch my GS3 from Verizon, I’d do it in a second and go with the 1200/3000/250mb for $29.95 plan.
I did the math and if I got the same two iPhones on my current AT&T plan and the same two on Virgin mobile, I would save about 10 bucks over 2 years. I would get fewer minutes and slower data speeds.
There is one thing I would like to throw in here. If you buy an unlocked iphone, you can never do a software update unless you know how to unlock it again. Basically, you’re fucking fucked. :-/
Buy your fucking phone in an area covered by its service! Metro area? Save money on that shit! Travel a lot? You’ll be paying for that coverage. This is a case where higher costs equal better service.
People pay less than $100 / month for a data plan? How do I get on that plan and not lose my awesome coverage? My wireless bill is just something I’ve come to accept and budget for, like heat and electricity. I mean, I’m on my phone as much as my computer these days, so I’m not going to skimp on it. Verizon never lets me down, so I’m not going to bitch. I’m certainly not going to use a lesser carrier.
I rely on my phone for business. I can’t rely on Virgin or Straight Talk.
The point of the article is not to address the differences between providers but to address the amount of money wasted that could otherwise be spent on a new suit or something else that matters. No one gives a shit about your phone. It doesn’t impress anyone. A cheaper smartphone without contract can do most of the same things your shit iPhone can do. except Instagram. But if you are willing to pay extra so you can take awful photos of your recent mocha with a bad filter then by all means pay the extra 1000. I’d rather be hanging with hot chicks than looking at their Facebook pages from a fucking iPhone.