Banding together when it comes to wedding bands

Ask A Woman: Ringing it

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Hi Beth:

My fianc©e is under the impression that since I got her a white gold engagement ring, that our wedding bands must match. Her’s will be white gold to match her engagement band. She is adamant that my wedding band cannot be yellow gold because it wouldn’t match her bands.

Is this a serious thing? She also said I would only have gold cuff links, watches, etc. I see gold bands all the time on men and they haven’t a care in the world. What’s the word, Beth?

– Andrew

 

Hi Andrew,

Women who are otherwise rational, reasonable, smart, and considerate seem to temporarily lose their minds when it comes to their wedding.  This is not all women, but enough women behave this way that we have to assume the cause is cultural, rather than individual. So while I’m about to abandon the sisters and strongly agree with you, I think we have to cut your lovely fiancee some slack. There is so much out there about the perfect wedding, and everything that goes along with it.  It’s a lot of pressure driven by a multi-billion dollar industry. Before I got engaged, I remember agonizing over what the ring would look like.  Would he get the right metal, would the diamond be the right shape, would it be big enough, all that crap.  But in the moment my husband asked me to marry him, I didn’t care at all about a ring. In fact, he asked me, I said yes, and then he remembered that he had a ring in his pocket–a small detail both of us forgot about. It seemed so insignificant in the midst of such an important request–will you marry me?  Will you spend the rest of your life putting up with my crap? Will I spend the rest of my life putting up with your crap?

I suspect your fiancee is in a similar state to mine before I got engaged. She’s focused on little details that won’t make any difference at all…but they seem really important right now. You should absolutely, one hundred percent, get the wedding band YOU want. You have to wear it every day. Your fiancee is having a moment of bride nuttyness. Happens to the most decent of women.  But she’s wrong. Your bands do not have to match.  I, too, see couples all the time with different bands, and as far as I know, the world keeps spinning. I presume this information is a good news/bad news type of situation.  Good news is that you get the ring you want. Bad news is that you have to tell your rather high-strung bride-to-be that you’re going rogue.

But since you’re in dangerous territory anyway, you may want to take the opportunity to assert your power over other choices that need to be made for the wedding, like your bling–cufflinks, watch, any other jewelry; your attire–tux/suit, shoes, tie; your preference for type of music to be played, etc. It’s been awhile since I got on my soapbox about weddings, but I always enjoy it, so here it goes. This is not HER day. This is YOUR–plural–collective day. People who say it’s the bride’s day have lost sight of what a wedding is. It’s a celebration of a couple, and it’s a public declaration of a lifelong commitment. This BS about it being all about the bride is something manufactured.  When couples lose sight of the fact that the wedding is really just a starting point for the MARRIAGE, the wedding itself can get out of control.

Good luck, son. I recommend going in with a mouth guard, a padded helmet, and a cup.

-Beth

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