Ask A Woman: Ringing it
If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. And don’t worry, your identity will be protected too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com
Hi Beth:
My fiancée is under the impression that since I got her a white gold engagement ring, that our wedding bands must match. Her’s will be white gold to match her engagement band. She is adamant that my wedding band cannot be yellow gold because it wouldn’t match her bands.
Is this a serious thing? She also said I would only have gold cuff links, watches, etc. I see gold bands all the time on men and they haven’t a care in the world. What’s the word, Beth?
– Andrew
Hi Andrew,
Women who are otherwise rational, reasonable, smart, and considerate seem to temporarily lose their minds when it comes to their wedding. This is not all women, but enough women behave this way that we have to assume the cause is cultural, rather than individual. So while I’m about to abandon the sisters and strongly agree with you, I think we have to cut your lovely fiancee some slack. There is so much out there about the perfect wedding, and everything that goes along with it. It’s a lot of pressure driven by a multi-billion dollar industry. Before I got engaged, I remember agonizing over what the ring would look like. Would he get the right metal, would the diamond be the right shape, would it be big enough, all that crap. But in the moment my husband asked me to marry him, I didn’t care at all about a ring. In fact, he asked me, I said yes, and then he remembered that he had a ring in his pocket–a small detail both of us forgot about. It seemed so insignificant in the midst of such an important request–will you marry me? Will you spend the rest of your life putting up with my crap? Will I spend the rest of my life putting up with your crap?
I suspect your fiancee is in a similar state to mine before I got engaged. She’s focused on little details that won’t make any difference at all…but they seem really important right now. You should absolutely, one hundred percent, get the wedding band YOU want. You have to wear it every day. Your fiancee is having a moment of bride nuttyness. Happens to the most decent of women. But she’s wrong. Your bands do not have to match. I, too, see couples all the time with different bands, and as far as I know, the world keeps spinning. I presume this information is a good news/bad news type of situation. Good news is that you get the ring you want. Bad news is that you have to tell your rather high-strung bride-to-be that you’re going rogue.
But since you’re in dangerous territory anyway, you may want to take the opportunity to assert your power over other choices that need to be made for the wedding, like your bling–cufflinks, watch, any other jewelry; your attire–tux/suit, shoes, tie; your preference for type of music to be played, etc. It’s been awhile since I got on my soapbox about weddings, but I always enjoy it, so here it goes. This is not HER day. This is YOUR–plural–collective day. People who say it’s the bride’s day have lost sight of what a wedding is. It’s a celebration of a couple, and it’s a public declaration of a lifelong commitment. This BS about it being all about the bride is something manufactured. When couples lose sight of the fact that the wedding is really just a starting point for the MARRIAGE, the wedding itself can get out of control.
Good luck, son. I recommend going in with a mouth guard, a padded helmet, and a cup
-Beth
Got a question for Beth? Send it to: askawoman@dappered.com
Oh man. “When couples loose sight of the fact that the wedding is just a starting point for the MARRIAGE, the wedding itself can get out of control.” Or the marriage can get out of control. I’ve been with my wife for 10 years and we “dated” for 3 before that, so let me tell you, sir, do not get too precious about this stuff. The whole point of weddings and marriage is not rings or dresses or whatever else the wedding industry tells you and your wife it’s about. It’s about celebrating your commitment to each other. Putting up with each other’s crap is damn right. If this is the woman you want for the rest of your life and you’re willing to work for it (don’t let anyone fool you it’s WORK, 24/7), then let this one go and let her temporarily loose her mind. My wife and I had a small, i.e. 10 people including the officiant and his wife, backyard wedding. My wife wore a beautiful garnet colored dress that she looked beautiful in and we had $99 titanium band. We maybe spent $400 and $300 of that was the officiant fee. But you and your fiancé aren’t us, so good luck to you, sir.
The woman in the red dress up top is sexy.
My wife and I had this same discussion. I was convinced that I wanted a yellow gold ring because that’s what my Dad has and that’s what I grew up thinking a man’s wedding band looked like. After looking at a bunch, I’m glad I went with the white gold. As a minimalist, I think the plain white gold band looks better day to day; especially with a buttoned-up desk job, it doesn’t jump out at you. However, I don’t think either is wrong, as long as you’re not adding stones like some Jersey City pimp.
Right – my wife’s band has some gemstones on it, mine doesn’t. They don’t match, but her two rings do and I don’t believe in man bling. Also, how often will your ring and her ring need to match? No one is going to notice. If the photographers take a hand holding, ring picture just do it in black and white. Good luck though. Stress runs high before a wedding.
The question for the question-poster is: Do you want a white or yellow gold wedding band? From the original poster, I don’t get a sense of which one the guy actually wants.
It’s like me saying, “People seem to want gold toilet seats all the time.” That actually doesn’t tell you whether I want one or not.
Unclear questions seeking advice are frustrating (at least to me) because if the poster looks at all the potential bands and ends up wanting a white gold wedding band, then what is the problem? And then we’ve all wasted our collective minutes replying to this thread.
My wife’s and my bands don’t match. I bought her engagement ring and band as a matching set before I ever asked the question so finding a matching band for me was impossible. Perhaps it was presumptuous, but I was pretty sure she was going to say yes. BTW, my profile pic to the left was taken on the balcony where I proposed.
You’ll get what you give regarding the wedding planning, though. I had a LOT of input in mine, but I also designed and made the programs, favors, centerpieces and some decorations. if you’re very hands-off, don’t expect your opinion to carry much weight.
Random.
Re-reading the original question one more time, which is “Is this a serious thing?” My answer is this: Yes it’s a serious thing to her. Clearly she cares about it.
The question is: Do you care about it? Do you have a yellow gold band in mind that you really really really MUST wear?
If the answer to the all of the above is yes, then you need to brainstorm and come up with some compromising solutions because right now you have a stand-off: I want yellow you want white, let’s fight. If you already enter the conversation with some alternatives (dual tone bands, whatever), you are not completely blind-siding her… which should end better… hopefully. Show her some great dual tone bands, alternative bands, whatever. And if she’s not willing to compromise and this is a big deal to you, you have to speak your mind about how important this is to you. Give it time to sink in and come back to it again.
I personally agree with Beth, but he might not have much of a leg to stand on if he made the decision about her engagement ring/band without consulting her.
Another option is to acquiesce, but ask if it’s going to be a problem that he won’t wear it very much since he doesn’t like white gold.
I can see that last part going over REAL well. 🙂 I’m a forgetful guy so I sometimes switch my ring to my right hand in lieu of tying a string around me finger. My wife was none too pleased about it. I don’t dare imagine what would happen if I took it off and left it off.
Haha. He thinks he has a choice. Your fiancee is right. Even when she’s wrong, she’s right, Get used to it, or get used to sleeping on the couch.
If the woman is big into the wedding, just go with whatever she wants. Even if she’s asking for your input, she’s really just asking you to tell her what she wants to hear. I’ve offered input to my fiancee on our wedding and I felt like I was getting trolled. Now I pretend to weigh everything and just agree with her because I’m more concerned with her happiness than trying to fit something within my personal aesthetic or whatever.
She’s probably thinking about the pictures, like the ones photographers take of both rings together or both of you holding hands. Gold and SS/Silver clash, and since rings are symbolic, this then implies that you’re clashing right from the get-go. From a designer’s standpoint, they should match (and so should your watch and cuff links). I’d recommend that you play along for the wedding, and if you prefer gold for the rest of your life, then get an extra gold ring for daily use.
I’m not a jewlery expert, but could you get a yellow gold band rhodium plated? Ask a jewler, but perhaps that will make it completely white for a few years, and as it wears off, back to yellow gold.
Totally agree with Beth here, as a woman who recently got married. For one, yeah, wedding-related insanity is a thing. It’s encouraged by the incredibly well-oiled money extracting machine known as the wedding-industrial complex, and is quite difficult to escape.
There are two possibilities, that I see, for what’s going on in your fiancée’s mind here:
a) ‘I only like white gold, and think you should agree with me.’
Good luck here. She’s probably not going to budge.
b) ‘The rings must match because that’s HOW IT’S DONE.’
With this one, you’ve got a lot more possibilities floating around. As suggested already in another comment, do some research and come up with some two-tone or other-metal bands that would go well enough with her engagement band, preserve the matching aspect, and make you happy as well. Find a wide range of rings that appeal to you, and approach the issue as a negotiation, not a fight. Maybe it simply hasn’t occurred to her that there’s another way to do this; she’s got a hell of a lot on her mind, and ‘traditions’ are really heavily shoved down brides’ throats as a money-making tactic. Odds are that even if you ‘lose’ this one, she’ll appreciate your actually showing an interest (by doing the research) instead of either just going along with her knee-jerk demands or declaring how it’s gonna be and not caring what she thinks. You’re a couple; you’ll need to work together on this.
For me? I was actually really frustrated with the ‘It’s your day! Get exactly what you want on everything!’ message, possibly especially because I have a difficult time coming up with strong opinions in a vacuum. The first jeweler my husband picked flat-out refused to offer any suggestions, and was just blandly supportive of ‘what I want.’ It took a lot of soul-searching and conversations with my then-fiancé to realize that I just couldn’t handle that situation, so I wound up finding a jeweler I liked better. He worked *with* me, and we did a sort of iterative back-and-forth design process. He even wound up modifying my engagement ring (white gold offset solitaire) to allow the wedding band (helix pattern with amethysts and blue spinals) to interlock with it. Win.
My husband designed his own ring, and found someone who would make it online, after fine-tuning the CAD design. It wound up being titanium, with inset helices anodized in blue and purple. So our two rings have similarities, but totally don’t match. Maybe something like that could work for you, too; what about a white gold band for her with a pattern or swirl or texture, and a yellow gold one for you with the same pattern? Complementing rather than matchy-matchy.
Sorry this wound up being such a dissertation. Good luck!
bands will make her dance
I know this is the usual joke, but that’s a recipe for an unhappy marriage in real life. Women want a man, not a doormat. (Though they might not realize it yet)
If something matters to you, even if it’s a small as a restaurant pick, then don’t roll over just because it’s easier to give in. Discuss it in a caring but firm way, and work out a solution that’s fair for both of you. (In the restaurant example, maybe you take turns.) Marriage is a partnership where both members deserve respect, and should be expected to give it. If you don’t stand up for yourself, you’ll get a few years in and be resentful of her, and she won’t respect you at all…and that doesn’t end well.
General marriage rant aside, in this particular instance, while generally it’s best to just let a woman make the majority of decisions regarding a wedding unless you really feel strongly about something, there are a few things where the poster’s input matters. The ring is certainly one of them, because he’ll be the one wearing it. So if he really wants yellow gold, then he should go with that. (Or as another person mentioned, get an extra for daily wear). Trust me when I tell you that a wedding lasts three hours, nobody will care about the color of the rings, and even those all important wedding photos will be seen pretty rarely, and mostly by the couple.
Gotta disagree – it really is HER day. Yes, you are both getting married. But she’s the one who has been dreaming about her wedding day since she was a little girl. True, letting her walk all over you is not a good prescription for marital bliss, but you do need to pick your battles. You can have your own priorities, but keeping her happy should be top among them. Who do you think you are trying to impress with that ring anyway?
bitches be crazy
My band (and dress watch, cufflinks, etc) are yellow gold, and my wife has white gold. It’s fine. If that’s what you want, then it’s ok to make a stand on this. Ultimately, your wife might appreciate that you A) have an opinion about something related to the wedding, and B) have the fortitude to stand up for what you want. It’s not like you’re demanding cocktail napkins that don’t match the bridesmaids’ dresses…. that would just be wrong. It’s perfectly fine if the rings don’t match. You’re one couple…. Not one human body.
Those pictures never come out well anyway. Might as well get what he likes and if its important to have that shot – black and white.
You are making a lot of gender-role assumptions here, I know very few woman who have been “dreaming about their weeding day since they were a little girl” in the context that they have every detail planned out. I think everyone has an idea of what they want, after all its apart of the “American Dream” but focusing on it with such an extreme bent is unusual. More importantly, it sounds like Andrew does care so he should be able to have a say in it.
I think this is a unnecessary argument. In my opinion yes the band should match so the photo shows that you marry the right person. Besides the wedding is done for the bride’s once in a lifetime celebration, not the groom. I prefer white gold or platinum than yellow gold.
I got a hybrid of both yellow and white gold with small diamonds in the middle. I really enjoy the ring because it can go with almost any watch, especially this two tone watch from Michael Kors that accents it perfectly.
At the end of the day, you should get what YOU want because it is your ring. She is certainly focusing and being too critical of the small things when there is much more to worry about such as vanilla cake or chocolate cake.
See attached:
Mrs. Styles and I had matching gold rings at our wedding. In the years since, she’s actually worn a titanium/silver ring most of the time, and recently we got her a rose gold to add to the collection. She wears whatever color she wants that day to fit her mood/outfit, and we go on with life.
As others have said, the things that seem massively important on that date draw miniscule in the rear view mirror over time. Agree with her for now and get another color later.
Never say a woman is sexy until you have seen her naked and without makeup. I’m just sayin’.
I tend to prefer women naked and without makeup. I’m just sayin’.
Same here actually. I guess I was trying to say that the lady who you may think is sexy with the painted on jeans and push up bra may give you pause once that stuff comes off. Speaking from experience here unfortunately.
The marrying couple should work together on these decisions, but I, for one, will not let my future fiancee ORDER me to wear anything. I came within a week of getting married a few years back, and the event provided an occasion for my fiancee to unleash all of her neuroses. I agreed to the atrocious rented tux “because the groomsmen all have to perfectly match”, but she lost her mind when I bought a nice white shirt to go with it, “because a white shirt will make the bone wedding dress look dingy.” But even she didn’t insist that our wedding bands match. We’re lucky we didn’t go through with the ceremony. And unless I do it for someone else’s wedding, I will never, ever wear a rented suit again.
One solution could be to show her photos of degloving accidents, and then just not wear a ring…. have fun!
You can, but it doesn’t work out well (btw, I’m a jeweler). The color comes through the plating too fast. I always suggest a two-tone band. Everyone wins.