When not to wear cologne.

The right to swing my fist ends at the tip of your nose.  Right?  Yet if you change the swinging-part to wafting cologne fumes, it’s not as universally respected.  Most guys who do scent up get it right:  If you’re not close enough to spontaneously launch into a fox-trot, then the person closest to you shouldn’t be able to smell your cologne.  Any more scent radius than that, and you risk being “that guy.”  The problem is, there are scenarios where we’re either stuck inside another’s space, or, wearing cologne just insn’t a smart play.  Those follow.  

1. A Funeral – You should smell as subdued as your clothing looks.  Skip it.
2. An international flight – If a kid craps his pants behind you, at least you know the diaper will be changed.  Sharing a row with someone who reeks like an Abercrombie & Fitch for 8 hours is a hopeless feeling.
3. On a first date – Too risky.
4. On a second date – Still pushing it.
5. At the gym – An incline press bench that smells like CK One isn’t helping.

6. A job interview – Some HR types are just looking for any reason not to hire you.
7. When meeting your significant other’s parents for the first time – Get in, get out, take no chances.
8. Camping – Well, maybe those that do deserve their bear mauling.
9.  Making a sales call – Unless it’s to a cologne manufacturer.  Then you best be wearing something they make.
10. Drinking Wine – “Ah… the boquet on this red has hints of raspberries, peppercorns, and… Polo Black.”

11. In a recording or radio studio – They’re sealed to keep sound out.  So smell stays in.  You’ll suffocate someone.
12. On a road trip – That 1994 Toyota Corolla ain’t getting any bigger.  The strongest lingering smells on a road trip should be coffee and beef jerky.
13. At the Mall – There’s already too many smells pouring out of those leased spaces.  Hollister, Abercrombie & Fitch, Wetzel’s Pretzels… Not sure how those ladies can stand working in the cologne/perfume/cosmetics section at Macys.
14. At the dentist – Best not to distract someone with a sharp pick or drill in your mouth.
15. While dining at a fine restaurant – If your date is a foodie, you’re a dead man.

16. At the humane society – Stressed animals + Brut = deserved growls.
17. While performing surgery – Want to smell fresh for your team?  Have a mint before scrubbing in.
18. On the international space station – In space, no one wants to smell your D&G.
19. During a tandem sky dive – Mutually assured destruction has its limits.
20. While performing CPR on the editor in chief of Dappered.com – Just let him expire.

Top Photo Credit: Cory Doctorow