Originally Published 12/19/2011
1. Thou shalt cover thy torso from thy shameful nipples down.
To clarify: that means a pair of razor thin, tank top spaghetti straps which barely graze your man nips is unacceptable. You might hate the fact that you have to wear a shirt at the gym (how will the ladies appreciate your bod?), but that Gold’s t-shirt cut into a hardly there tank looks ridiculous. Put your bloated man cans under some cover. Sleeveless is just fine. Crew necks are encouraged. And if you have to go with a tank top it better be reasonable.
2. Thou shalt not wear cologne. Ever.
Noticeable body odor is unfortunate. A piercing fart that could make a wolverine cry is a distraction. A machine or bench that REEKS of the previous user’s store bought scent is unfortunate, a distraction, and honestly disrespectful. At 6am it’s asinine. Deodorant goes on, but that bottle of cologne should always stay in the drawer.
3. Thou shalt cover thy shame when possible in the locker room.
Think of towels as not just a drying mechanism, but also as a transitional piece. Strutting around naked might be something previous generations were okay with, but it’s not okay anymore. Using the hand dryer to blow off your junk has never been okay. Ever. You happen across that once and you’re scarred for life.
4. Thou shalt make an effort, but not TOO much of an effort
Like a lot of things, there’s a sweet spot between not trying and trying too hard. Invest in some decent yet inexpensive workout clothes. If you wouldn’t donate it to Goodwill due to sweat stains, rips, or holes, then don’t wear it to the gym. At the same time, to the fellas who wear their flat brimmed baseball caps over just-so Bieber hair, and spend more time checking their gigantic watch than actually working out: start sweating or leave.
5. Thy fairer sex shalt leave something to thoust imagination
And while we’re at it, lay off the lipstick ladies.
6. Thou shalt not wear bicycle shorts if thy won’t be riding a stationary bicycle.
Bike shorts are for the bike. Going from your car to spin class? You can get away with your bike shorts. Going from your car to the floor so you can do lunges from one side of the gym to the other? Wear something that’s a little less package fitting than what Batman and the Boy Wonder wore in the 60s.
7. Thou shalt consider upgrading thy duffel
Worth consideration. It’s one more way to look good on your way in and out of somewhere. Plus, if you store it in your car/trunk like plenty of us do, it won’t detract from the look of your rig. Maybe try this or this.
8. Thou shalt wear things that will be comfortable while sweating
No jeans. No jorts. No clunky work boots. No gold or stainless link watches. No coming straight from the office in business casual attire just to go for a brisk walk on a treadmill or work the stair stepper for 20 minutes. You know how yawns are contagious? So’s that hot prickly feeling one would get from doing leg presses in black Wranglers.
9. Thou shalt not wear compression fit if thy BMI is over 27
The Body Mass Index calculator is a bit wonky, especially if you’ve got muscle on you, but if you’ve got rolls upon rolls, wearing something that makes you look like 2 lbs of sausage stuffed into a 1 lb casing isn’t a grand idea.
10. Thou shalt not wear velour.
Why not just wear a snuggie? It’s an especially bad idea if you’re: 1. Male, and 2. Show up with velour track pants that don’t match your velour hoodie. That tells the world you’ve got not one but two velour track suits in your wardrobe.
What was missed? Any additions to the list should go in the comments section below.
C9 Sleeveless – $12.99, Bulova – $200, Casio Chrono – $27.96, Fred Perry Bag – $67.99