Originally Published 12/19/2011
1. Thou shalt cover thy torso from thy shameful nipples down.
To clarify: that means a pair of razor thin, tank top spaghetti straps which barely graze your man nips is unacceptable. You might hate the fact that you have to wear a shirt at the gym (how will the ladies appreciate your bod?), but that Gold’s t-shirt cut into a hardly there tank looks ridiculous. Put your bloated man cans under some cover. Sleeveless is just fine. Crew necks are encouraged. And if you have to go with a tank top it better be reasonable.
2. Thou shalt not wear cologne. Ever.
Noticeable body odor is unfortunate. A piercing fart that could make a wolverine cry is a distraction. A machine or bench that REEKS of the previous user’s store bought scent is unfortunate, a distraction, and honestly disrespectful. At 6am it’s asinine. Deodorant goes on, but that bottle of cologne should always stay in the drawer.
3. Thou shalt cover thy shame when possible in the locker room.
Think of towels as not just a drying mechanism, but also as a transitional piece. Strutting around naked might be something previous generations were okay with, but it’s not okay anymore. Using the hand dryer to blow off your junk has never been okay. Ever. You happen across that once and you’re scarred for life.
4. Thou shalt make an effort, but not TOO much of an effort
Like a lot of things, there’s a sweet spot between not trying and trying too hard. Invest in some decent yet inexpensive workout clothes. If you wouldn’t donate it to Goodwill due to sweat stains, rips, or holes, then don’t wear it to the gym. At the same time, to the fellas who wear their flat brimmed baseball caps over just-so Bieber hair, and spend more time checking their gigantic watch than actually working out: start sweating or leave.
5. Thy fairer sex shalt leave something to thoust imagination
And while we’re at it, lay off the lipstick ladies.
6. Thou shalt not wear bicycle shorts if thy won’t be riding a stationary bicycle.
Bike shorts are for the bike. Going from your car to spin class? You can get away with your bike shorts. Going from your car to the floor so you can do lunges from one side of the gym to the other? Wear something that’s a little less package fitting than what Batman and the Boy Wonder wore in the 60s.
7. Thou shalt consider upgrading thy duffel
Worth consideration. It’s one more way to look good on your way in and out of somewhere. Plus, if you store it in your car/trunk like plenty of us do, it won’t detract from the look of your rig. Maybe try this or this.
8. Thou shalt wear things that will be comfortable while sweating
No jeans. No jorts. No clunky work boots. No gold or stainless link watches. No coming straight from the office in business casual attire just to go for a brisk walk on a treadmill or work the stair stepper for 20 minutes. You know how yawns are contagious? So’s that hot prickly feeling one would get from doing leg presses in black Wranglers.
9. Thou shalt not wear compression fit if thy BMI is over 27
The Body Mass Index calculator is a bit wonky, especially if you’ve got muscle on you, but if you’ve got rolls upon rolls, wearing something that makes you look like 2 lbs of sausage stuffed into a 1 lb casing isn’t a grand idea.
10. Thou shalt not wear velour
.
Why not just wear a snuggie? It’s an especially bad idea if you’re: 1. Male, and 2. Show up with velour track pants that don’t match your velour hoodie. That tells the world you’ve got not one but two velour track suits in your wardrobe.
What was missed? Any additions to the list should go in the comments section below.
C9 Sleeveless – $12.99, Bulova – $200, Casio Chrono – $27.96
Thou shalt wear white socks at mid-calf or below….no looking like a 1970’s basketball player or a tourist at the beach…
Thou shalt not make the sound “TSSSSSsssssssssssst” with every repetition.
Love the title pic
Second link for the duffel bag appears broken to me.
I’m sad this needed to be written. Especially blow drying your junk – who does that!?
Thou shalt not travel in groups of more than 2 to any piece of equiptment. Don’t hog the bench I want to use so you and your 4 buddies can take turns doing 4 sets each and chat it up in between.
Thou shalt not do barbell curls at the squat rack
If thou ownest those goofy Vibram feet shoes, thou shalt remember that they need to be washed regularly to avoid the hate of an entire gym.
I’ve never seen anyone wearing dirty Vibrams….?
Thou shalt not wear lifting gloves if thou art not a bodybuilder – they make one look like a…. “wuss” (for lack of better words).
Thou shalt not wear Ed Hardy, Affliction, or the generic equivalent in branded clothing (not at the gym nor anywhere else, for that matter)
Thous shall only wear sleeveless shirt if you have visible veins in your arms. An 18″” arm isn’t
impressive if it is mostly fat.
And for those whoeth insisteth upon the performance of heavy cardio while laden with persistantly horrid, plague inducing breath, shalt be mindful of those others who must endure that breath, and having been mindful, he shall chew Trident, or brush his teeth (and tongue), and/or drinketh from the holy cup of Listerine.
2.a. Thou shalt clean the exercise equipment after thou hast used it, especially if thou art a sweaty mofo.
11. Thou shalt wear shorts of a non-douchey length. Neither short shorts nor shin-length bloomers, but shorts between mid-thigh and knee-length are pleasing to THE LORD.
12. Thou shalt wear a t-shirt that fits, for saith THE LORD, a baggy t-shirt is not any more comfortable to work out in.
Pretty funny. Reminds me of why I stopped going to the gym – you can’t get away from these people. Get p90x, a road bike and some running shoes. Save your self $50 a month, and as a bonusthis post becomes more abstract.
I have seen it before. It is distrubing to say the least.
If you have a phone, don’t use it in the locker room. Hell, anything with a camera, put it away.
Looks like they sold out. It was the Fred Perry Barrel bag. Updated the link to a similar, but not quite same version.
P.S. This post makes me miss my old YWCA in the Twin Cities, which was full of little old ladies. Hardly any bros. It was definitely one of the more pleasant/low-key gyms I’ve worked out in.
These days I work out in nature – mostly running and body-weight lifts (including a high tech tree branch pull-up bar).
“the holy cup of Listerine” … that just made my morning.
But Black Dynamite…….I wear multi-colored ,over-the-calf tube socks…….in gray and white!
Old guys do it, disturbing to say the least.
Like Rocky in Rocky IV?
Thanks for addressing number 3. I realize it’s a locker room and no expects anyone to do a towel-change but there’s a distant, disturbing end to that spectrum as well. No one needs to walks around, shave, brush their teeth, trim their nose hair and weight themselves naked. Zero people.
I’m sure there are benefits, but it really bothers me when people wear these shoes at the gym *when they aren’t there to run*. I doubt the benefits really kick in when you’re hanging out, occasionally picking up a weight, etc.
Also, these are usually paired with bike shorts on guys, or something else off the list above.
Actually Vibrams are really great for weightlifting, especially stuff like squats, because they enhance proprioception and enhance your stability and balance. When it comes to weightlifting, minimalist shoes are to heavily padded/”supportive” shoes as free weights are to weight machines.
The more padded and “supportive” your weightlifting shoes, the less stable you will be. You wouldn’t try to do squats while standing on a foam mat, would you?
Thou shalt not check thyself and flex in thy mirror after every set.
I don’t wear gloves myself, but I don’t begrudge those who wear them. Some movements, like deadlifts, will tear your palms apart if you don’t wear gloves. I choose to deal with the bruises and calluses, but I’m not sure why, to be honest.
Amen.
I have also seen it. Traumatizing.
Whenever I hear someone making that damn noise I want to throw barbells at them.
I think I am going to have to agree to disagree. I think Iwould use the word “prejudge” before “begrudge”.
I never witnessed anyone wearing gloves in the gym playing D1 footballl – but I definitely saw guys throwing around weight equivalent to that of a small car. And I think some callous formation will actually prevent your hands from getting torn up on deadlifts – as well as the supplemental use of chalk and using the proper grip. But I digress… to each their own, I suppose.
I am not by any means a “meat-head” former-athlete (nor was I ever a meat-head at all – quite the contrary, really). I just like to blend style and manliness. And in my opinion silky-smooth, lotioned hands aren’t manly (unless for medical reasons).
Think of it as dappered.com meets artofmanliness.com
Well that’s fair. Regardless, the old guys in bike shorts, oversized cutoff cotton shirts and Vibrams that just walk around for 2 hrs in the gym, not a huge fan.
Pretty much, except I don’t plan on single-handedly conquering the Soviet Union.
I wear workout gloves when lifting because I enjoy having hands that are callous free. And so does my better half. That doesn’t mean I’m not “manly” — it means I take pride in my appearance. Even down to the smaller details.
And while I don’t wear sleeveless shirts, what’s the problem in wearing one if you’re not muscled enough to show veins in your arms? That’s like saying the only dudes who can go shirtless at the beach are the ones in the best shape. Everyone else? Wear a tuxedo.
Merry Christmas, gents!
Disagree on the vein being the mark of tank-worthy arms. But I agree on your main point.
Agreed! Also, the locker room is not for socializing. I can’t stand it when people hang out in there just talking to their friends. Get in, get changed, get out!
touché
I agree….’cept with squads and deadlifts…and as long as its not obnoxious and done with intention of looking “awesome”
Disagree. I much prefer sleeveless t-shirts (basic target brand) while doing cardio. I hate being hot while I run. Also, not all sleeveless T’s are the same.
LORD hear our prayer.
Thou shalt find a FITTED (not skin tight, not baggy workout shirt). The C9 shirt above is about as tight as I’d personally go.
Thou shalt not wear sleeveless unless thine armpits are properly groomed
get a chalk bag. Gloves are a serious deterrent to grip strength. Chalk up, bar down in your fingers, and find the oldest bar there so the knurls are worn a bit. Then lift away.
You’re right here – somebody lifting seriously doesn’t wear gloves, they effect your ability to grip the bar. Dead lifts will cause a little bit of a callous, but getting the bar down in your fingers first avoids that. None of the presses tear up your hands. Dead lift, skull crushers, and pull ups.
Sorry but regarding #3….if a guy can’t be naked in a locker room with other guys, then that tells a bigger story about just how crazy some society has become. If I am walking from the shower to my locker, in a mens locker room, then I’m not covering up because I have no shameful parts of my body. It should be encouraged that people can feel more comfortable with each other naked instead of worrying about the 1 or 2 closeted guys that just might find pleasure in seeing another man naked. Jeez, its 2012. Be naked guys and stop worrying about your body, isn’t that why you go to the gym? Why encourage shame?
/no homo/
This is really all that needs to be said. I look like a homeless man when I train and I am perfectly fine with that. I’m there to crush weight and hit PR’s, nothing else.
Thou shalt not use the thigh adductor or thigh abductor machine unless thour art a woman.
I do crossfit, so ending up shirtless is very common. I also wear vibrams mentioned in other comments (only when I’m training). I’ve been looking for a duffel bag, but not sold spending alot for it
You say this now, just wait until you figure out they help break through that plateau you’ve had on your squat for 6-8 weeks now.
While I agree and do this most all of the time, I still have a hell of a time with callouses on dead lift. Any tips there?
Your grip is probably improper – look up the proper grip form. You’ll still get some callouses regardless. Lotion up your hands before bed and possibly in the morning if that’s not enough.
thou shalt not wear a hat, ever…unless you are outdoors.
Thou shalt not accessorize their head with a cellphone or their neck with beats audio over the ear headphones.
Maybe you’ll change opinion when you run into a 50 y/o guy blow drying his junk.
Sure you are squatting right? Sounds to me like you might have form issues and aren’t engaging your adductor muscles until the weight gets heavy. But then again, maybe you just know something I don’t.
Amen, brotha! My new annoyance is the guys who will occupy a power rack for 30 minutes to do Crossfit workouts, because one out of five exercises is kipping pullups. I’m pretty sure the ceiling won’t collapse on you while you are doing pushups and squat thrusts, so you can probably just do them in the middle of the floor.
Grip with finger tips, not the palm of your hand. If grip strength is a limiting factor then use straps on your heavy sets.
I’ve done these ever since I tore some nasty muscle fiber in my groin while playing college soccer. Please quit gender policing.
Indeed. When one’s deadlifting twice their bodyweight, “Tssst” sounds are made involuntarily.
I’ve seen #3. Still haven’t recovered from that. Never have seen a hair-dryer used that way before.
All good points. What about length of shorts. I notice many guys in the US going for the ultra baggy look…