Ask A Woman: Breaking news that might break their pride
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Beth:
I don’t think you’ve ever answered a question from a woman, so maybe I’ll be the first. I have a friend who can’t seem to meet women. I admit, I think he’s a dud, but I don’t have the heart to tell him. He’s self absorbed, aloof, and I really think he believes he’s coming off as confident. On one of his dating profiles he goes by the moniker “the Electric Jester.”
Do I get mean and tell this guy the obvious truth? He has a good heart beneath it all. But it’s getting nauseating even to be around. I’m considering just drifting away from him.
Shawna
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Hi Shawna,
The Electric Jester? Sounds like a vibrator.
I believe in honesty up to a point. But I also believe that it doesn’t make sense to tell everyone the truth all the time just so you can say that you’re an honest person. We lie all the time because the people we care about don’t need to know their haircut looks like an ode to Moe, or that their singing voice sounds like hyenas making love. Anytime you’re thinking about telling someone a painful truth, you have to first consider why you feel compelled to do this.
You mention two different reasons for wanting your friend to change: 1) his non-existent dating life 2) he annoys the hell out of you. Let’s start with the latter reason. What you’re saying is that though he has a good heart, he essentially has a bad personality. In other words, he’s not torturing kittens, but he is so obnoxious he’s hard to be around. Well, my dear, that sounds like a deal-breaker. Having a good heart is not a good enough basis for a relationship. So if you really just want to get out of the friendship, I say let it peter out. Because your complaint is really his personality, which is pretty permanent at this point. It’s not like you have an issue with a specific behavior or belief. He’s not using racial epithets or driving drunk, right? So what’s the point of telling him, hey, I just can’t stand who you are, peace out. There’s no need to be cruel.
But if they’re asking for an outside perspective? Then the rules might change.
But…if you really do cherish his friendship and you simply want to help him find a lady, that’s a valid reason for telling him the truth. Do this under the guise of helping him edit his online dating profile. Tell it to him straight–“I think you have a lot to offer women, but your profile is kind of wonky. Why don’t you let me give it the woman’s touch?” As you’re tweaking it, say things to him like, “You know, women like subtle confidence. Don’t come off so brash/in-your-face/self-absorbed.” This way, you’re critiquing his profile, not his personality. A word of warning: know that you can’t make him change. If he has a come-to-Jesus moment himself and realizes he acts like an ass, well that’s super. But you, Shawna, cannot change the personality of another person and it’s a fool’s errand to try.
Speaking of change…we recently received the following excerpted email from Sean, which deals with a similar, “should I or shouldn’t I point out the faults in my friend” quandary:
I want to help my friend. She’s 5′ 1″ tall and overweight by about 30lbs. I thought maybe she was just naturally heavy until I met her Mom. Her Mom is…I don’t know how to say this without seeming creepy, but let’s just say she looks better than her daughter. How do I approach her and say “I want to help you lose weight” without getting her angry? (There’s nothing quite like a woman’s wrath.)
Oh Sean. You’re right, there’s nothing quite like a woman’s wrath. Especially this woman. Let me just put this out there: people who are significantly overweight know it . If they aren’t reminded by every magazine, movie, commercial, and television episode that they don’t fit the standard beauty ideal, then the way they are treated is surely a clue. I’ve had a couple friends go from being heavy to slender, and they’ve all told me I wouldn’t believe how differently they are treated now that they are thin. People actually make eye contact with them on the street. Sales people in stores stop ignoring them. Plus, if heavy people ever go to a doctor, they are told they should lose weight. If they continue to gain, then they have to frequently buy new, larger clothing. Fat people know they are fat, mmkay?
No need to tell someone what they already know.
That said, fat people also have a lot of resources (Weight Watchers, gym membership, South Beach Diet) at their hands IF they want to lose the weight. We are a diet and body obsessed culture, and most people know that eating less and moving more is how you lose weight. So either your friend doesn’t want to lose the weight (yes, there are fat people who are happy with themselves just the way they are) or she hasn’t found the motivation yet to do so. Either way, I doubt your offer of help will be the tipping point to her weight loss. If/when she decides to lose weight, she’ll have plenty of options available to her. I guess I’m wondering what your incentive is, Sean, to “help” your friend lose weight. Does her heaviness affect your friendship somehow? I’m guessing not. If you do speak to her about it, she may be angry, she’ll definitely feel ashamed, and odds are it will negatively affect your relationship with her. So refrain from telling her what she already knows.
How about that–two questions answered in one column. Beat that work ethic.
-Beth
Got a question for Beth? Send them to: askawoman@dappered.com
Please do the world a favor and inform the douche of his douchey-ness… More girls need to step up and help rid the world of the scourge that is “the douche”
I wish my brother would dump his girl. She is insufferable.
I agree with ThomasBM…this isn’t a personal decision, it is a mission to benefit the public good…do your part to end douche invasion….
In response to Sean, I would say it’s acceptable to invite her along on physical activities (hiking, bike riding, etc. nothing too strenuous at first) and see if she enjoys them. That way you’re not directly trying to change her, you are inviting a friend along to share time in something you enjoy.
I wish going to post this comment myself. Invite her to do a physical activity every so often. If she starts getting into it, she’s going to be motivated to lose wait to improve at it (eg, jog a little further, hike a more difficult route)
You know why we all love Beth? Her first two sentences. Yup, she went straight there.
Well said, Beth. Seems like we’re always so worried about “changing” other people, sometimes under the guise of “helping” them. If someone is overweight, they know it. Saying
“I want to help you stop being fat” will never do any good.
I’m still baffled that someone would actually refer to themselves as the “electric jester” though…I think tackling that mountain will be infinitely more difficult that helping someone lose weight.
It might depend how old the guy is we’re talking about. Once you’re past your mid-20s, I think that there are some firmly rooted aspects of your personality that could be hard to change. People drift apart all the time, and unless he’s a really important person to you, maybe that’s the right decision for you. Let’s all just hope that he finds his lady jester one day…
Shawna’s question is something I have wondered too! I would like to let the relationship fade away but he is so clingy. Fortunately for me, he is moving to another country at the end of the year. Yay for polar opposite time zones.
____________: A conclusion or statement that does not logically follow from the previous argument or statement.
What is a non-sequitur? Potpurri for $800, Alex.
“So either your friend doesn’t want to lose the weight (yes, there are fat people who are happy with themselves just the way they are)…or she
hasn’t found the motivation yet to do so.”
As a health professional, I’m disappointed with your advise. While I agree she must be aware of ways she falls short of a certain standard of beauty (pretty much all women are), it is illogical to assume she has the knowledge and resources necessary to do anything substantial about it. The number of women who go up and down with yo-yo diets is proportional to the number of women who aren’t properly educated about about nutrition and how bodies work. These women are usually doing a LOT to change and are spinning their wheels, frustrated for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is the pressure from society and guys like Sean to be better.
Furthermore, just gave men license from the female perspective to determine whether a woman is motivated, disciplined, or possibly stubborn by the mere suggestion of excess fat! It takes more than a visual assessment to determine health. I know, I’m a nutritionist. Unfortunately, carrying weight doesn’t always mean a woman is unhealthy or incapable. And not to sound like a Dove commercial, but women do come in a variety of shapes and sizes, which determines how much flesh they carry, skeletal structure, fat distribution, etc. Is excess fat unhealthy? Yes: key word “excess” a term entirely relative.
That being said, you really don’t know all the factors that are contributing to unhealth or being overweight. Reasons off the top of my head that a daughter can look different than her mother: adoption; thyroid, digestive, chiropractic, allergy or liver issues; environmental factors (stress, foods, toxins, etc); genes (it takes two sets, you guys perhaps she favors the father’s side or something); childbirth, lack of information, or possibly just a different set of values. I know one women who spends all her free time volunteering rather than going to meetings to obsess about her appearance. She is active, slightly overweight, and she’s not unattractive (or available for that matter).
@Shawna: I dropped a reality bomb on a friend of mine who is a drama queen^2 and always turned a fun night out into a living hell. I told her that the way she was acting is no longer cool…. when we were all in college, it was kinda cool to cause a little commotion or not take an insult sitting down. It is a little bit harder to stomach someone acting like an a** and blaming it on alcohol in your later 20’s.
Most of my friends softly had the conversation with her… in a super passive way. when she didn’t respond, people began to distance themselves from her. I just came out and said it after her nonsense literally leveled one of my friends birthday outings. She go pissed, cried, blah blah blah… and we have not spoken since.
By the time I said what I said, she was already outside my usual circle… i had distanced my self from her constant drama. I had no qualms about letting the truth rip.
long story short, shoot straight but know when to pull the trigger. We all took a stab at coaching her… I just didn’t filter it. she hangs by herself a lot nowadays.
All comments like this work best when they are restricted to objective, observable things: here is this thing you do/say, let’s both look at it. Otherwise you are mindreading and that annoys people.
Dummy. It is either I tell him the “hart truth” or he does it on his own.
“there’s no noticeable difference in my life.”
I lol’d.
You make a number of good points here, Courtney, and rereading my column, I notice that some of my logic comes off the reverse of what I intended. I agree, there are many women who want to lose wait and simply cannot because of health issues or lack of knowledge. What I meant to say is that this guy shouldn’t assume that his friend desires to lose weight. That assumption is a direct result of women being told, through media and pop culture, that if they’re not thin, they should be trying to become thin, or at the very least, be ashamed of their weight. Which, of course, I don’t agree with at all. At any rate, thanks for providing another viewpoint as someone who works in the healthcare field!
Telling your friend the truth is one thing… whether he accepts it is a totally new ball game.