10 Hypothetical Men’s Stylelympic Events

The London Olympics are underway.  Along with the usual swimming, track & field, and gymnastics, athletes will also compete in BMX, table tennis, and trampoline.  Events which at one point replaced the now-defunct likes of motor boating, tug-of-war, and something that basically amounted to parking lot croquet.  So maybe the events seen below, which some of you could medal in, aren’t all that ridiculous. The jumper wears Strands.

1. Shoe Shining

There are plenty of men who have turned a tedious chore for some into an art form. Expect competing nations to gain an advantage in the team shine event by assigning their curling sweepers to the team.

2. Synchronized Necktie Tying

Teams will display their skill of tying full & half Windsors, Kelvins, etc, and will be judged on their unison of execution, tie dimple depth, overall choreography, and knot difficulty (Four-in-Hand = 1 point, Bow = 5 pts, Cthulhu = 10 pts.)

3. Layering

Less of a stylized/judged event and more of a feat of strength and endurance:

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4. Pillars of Dry Cleaning

Instead of two stone columns attached to chains, competitors will load up as much dry cleaning as they can handle on their fingers, wrists, and arms, and as soon as a garment touches the ground the clock stops.

5. Box Put

A combination of distance and accuracy will make for the final score.  Competitors will throw a standard Amazon sized shoe shipping box into a moving UPS van destined for a returns processing center.

6. Dress Shirt Disassembly

Points deducted for pins that didn’t make it into the pincushion, tears in the cardboard or tissue, and bent plastic.

7. Value Village Vault

Athletes will leap over a dusty old Nordic Track to get to what appears to be a vintage Zegna navy blazer.

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8. Watch band replacing

Timed of course. There will be different divisions for leather straps and metal bracelets.  Losing a spring pin results in an automatic disqualification.

9. Hot Iron Relay

Makes the exchange all the more exciting.

10. Modern Dandy Pentathalon

1. Pocket square folding – Dandys will be judged on creativity, sharpness of lines and/or vertical height of poof.
2. Tweed Sauna – Outfitted in three piece Harris Tweed, the Dandys sweat it out in a competition level sauna.
3. Street Photographer Posing – An event that will have an unorthodox duration, taking place during the entire span of the Olympics.  Street style bloggers will roam the village with cameras (SLRs or iPhones).  Competitors won’t know where or when they’ll have to pose.  Judging will be based on outrageous level of outfit, smokey camera stares, and nonchalant-ness.  Half of total score will be the number of times their picture has been re-blogged on tumblr.
4. Luxury Axe Toss – Not chopping.  Throwing.  What… you think this is the Lumberjack championships?
5. Sockless 10,000 m – Competitors are each fitted with dress shoes a full size too small (but they were on sale and look so good!) and run a traditional 10,000 m race while wearing no socks.  Bleeding is to be expected, but blood flow will not stop the race.