Ask A Woman: Can I skip the tux on my wedding day?
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Beth –
I’m getting married in next June and my fiancee and I are into the planning process. It’s going to be held outside at a golf course, with the reception inside at their extremely nice banquet facility. Overlooks a nice area, the whole nine yards.
My issue is this. I hate tuxedos. My fiancee says there’s nothing better though than a man in a tux and she’s lobbying hard for me to be in one. I have a few really well tailored, and frankly expensive, suits that any of which I’d love to wear.
Can’t I just do that?
Calvin
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Hi Calvin,
First, let’s discuss the difference between a suit and a tuxedo. A tuxedo jacket has satin lapels, while a suit jacket’s lapels are made of the same material as the rest of the suit. A tux pant has a satin stripe going up the outside of the leg, while a suit pant does not. Tuxedos are typically worn only with shiny patent leather shoes, while suits may be worn with a variety of dress shoes. There is a specific tuxedo shirt with a pleated front, but I do feel like I’ve seen tuxes worn without pleated shirts. Tuxes may be worn with cummerbunds. There are some other details that separate tuxes from suits but the aforementioned specifics are the most noticeable.
Now, on to your question. It’s becoming more popular for men to wear suits to their weddings, instead of renting or buying tuxedos. I see nothing wrong with that, and I think convention takes a backseat to you feeling comfortable and stylish on your wedding day. But, I’m wondering if you’re having a wedding party…
One of the upsides to renting a tux is that if you have a wedding party, all the men can rent the same tux, and thus be matching for the photos. Other people prefer (or at least don’t mind) the more eclectic assembling of different suits that happens if you tell your groomsmen to just wear whatever they have in their closets.
But, be warned that your cousin Angus
The last word: brides almost always pick their gowns without input from their fiancé, and I’m guessing your bride is no exception. If hers is really just a preference that you wear a tux (and your tailored and expensive suits are truly in good taste), I think you should be able to wear a suit.
– Beth
Got a question for Beth? Send them to: askawoman@dappered.com
*Sidenote: If you do need a tux, you can pick up a Hilfiger Trim Fit for just $205 total, right now at Macy’s:
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There’s another thread going on this site about tuxes. Calvin should go buy a tux. In life, guys will need to wear one from time to time. If he’s that into nice suits then he can get into tuxes. There’s nothing uncomfortable about them. I’d like to know his objections to them.
I agree with Loki. If Calvin is comfortable in a well fitting suit, why would he be uncomfortable in a well fitting tuxedo? I bought that Hilfiger Tux for my wedding for around $200 and it looked fantastic. I just think the wedding day is the one day you don’t get to argue with your better half. Besides, if you read this website, it’s more than just looking fashionable, it’s about being a gentlemen. Gentlemen wear tuxes to their weddings.
And, not to be controversial, but it is HER day. You will make her VERY happy (and perhaps avoid her wrath) if you do your part to make sure everything is perfect on her wedding day.
Rick brings up a very valid point that I was going to make myself. Women seem to have a certain vision in their head about exactly how their wedding day should be. At the same time, while the day is important to men, the details are a bit more hazy for them. Unless you feel really strongly about something, you will probably make her very happy by just going along with what she has pictured since she was 6 years old.
I’m not saying to not give input or have your own opinions, but if this seems really important to her and she has brought it up multiple times then just give her what she wants. Or do you disagree with tuxedos on a fundamental level and refuse to let their satin fabric touch your skin over your dead body? If that’s the case maybe you should explain that to her and somehow compromise, rather than say “the nice lady on dappered.com says I can wear a suit!” lol
I agree with the posters above. If you’re able, renting or buying a stylish, well fitting tux (there are more options that Mens Warehouse!)is the way to go. Even if the groom is the only guy in formal wear, I learned through my wedding that the big day was definitely not about me. Hopefully, my being in a tux made my wifes wedding pictures look nice 🙂
If being to hot or stuffy is a hangup, there are lots of rental or purchase tuxedos made out of higher thread count ‘supers’ materials that are lighter weight and more comfortable.
I like Beth’s last sentence, and how she makes it clear that if it’s a preference, then Calvin should be able to be at his most comfortable, on one of the biggest days of his life, in a killer suit. Now if it’s more than a preference, and more like a demand from the bride? Because she’s had this vision since she was six years old? I think Calvin has bigger problems… and I don’t envy him. Oy.
Go with the suit. I don’t know Calvin’s bride, but make some decisions for yourself. I was best man in a wedding with Uber-Bridezilla. She said we were going to wear tuxes and the groomsmen and I asked her if it was a good idea to rent a tux when we were having an outdoor wedding in a field. She agreed that we may ruin our tuxes and that we could wear black suits. The problem, she picked them. And they were the exact opposite of what we wanted. Frumpy coats and pleated pants. It was horrendous. I now own a suit I will probably never wear again.
There is more to this than just preference. Look at the situation:
Outdoor wedding.
Daytime.
A tuxedo is for evening. Black is for evening (and definitely not outside in June).
This is a good source for the rules: http://putthison.com/post/334425916/weddingattireformen
Concerning the matching suits from a rental: They look like crap. I’m sorry, but I do not want to wear another one of those suits. They’re terrible. They make a man look like a lawn gnome.
Another thing, bridesmaids dresses aren’t all identical anymore. People realized not every woman has the same shape (imagine that), so they offer different dresses in the same color. But the men still end up in an awfully cut, ill-fitting “tuxedo” with an ugly waistcoat and a clip-on tie. The men should be suited to their own frames (tall, short, large, thin). Just give them rules: crisp white shirt, charcoal (or as this is in the summer, light grey or tan?) suit. If you want matching, get matching ties and pocketsquares from thetiebar.com
@Steven: Great point about the wedding being outdoors, during the day, in summer. What does this bride want to do to Calvin? Kill him with heatstroke? I’m on board with the light grey or tan suit. Should look terrific.
First off it is her day and if her vision is of you in a tux, then man up and buy a tux. Don’t rent a tux, all rentals look bad. I agree with Steven’s link, a tux should not be worn during the day, but I think the “it’s her day” rule supersedes that. For a lot of women this is a day they have been dreaming about since they were little, for guys it is one they have been dreading since they turned 20. If you can show her Steven’s link and she agrees to go with a proper stroller, then all rules will have been met, otherwise wear a damn tux.
My reasoning is if a guy knows what he wants to wear, especially on his own wedding, he should probably wear it. I take it Calvin has a few “stylish” suits in his arsenal that he’d like to wear. So if he’s not completely clueless like the average guy he should wear what he wants.
But I’d like to make a point to this. A wedding, especially one as big and fancy as this one sounds, commands respect. Every guy there should wear a tux to that wedding. What would you think if George Clooney wears a tan suit to the oscars? I would think he’s a complete tool.
@Steven, those guys from PUT THIS ON are good guys and give very sound advice but it’s another example of regular guys, just like me and you who have preferences and try to make rules out of them. These guys are very much against black in any occasion. That’s an opinion, and they’re entitled to one. But that shouldn’t make it a rule like you mention it here.
If the groom wears a black tux even at the golf course in the middle of summer no one is going to think he looks ridiculous because it’s a tux. And he can always go with a white tux.
http://s3.hubimg.com/u/813554_f260.jpg
These rules don’t apply gentlemen. Wear what you want but remember that maybe cousin Angus grew up and might show up looking like the guy above. So hopefully you bring your A-game to your very special day.
If it’s an evening wedding (though it doesn’t sound like it), man up and buy the tux – it will come in handy again, you’ll look great, and you’ll make your bride happy.
If it’s a day wedding, why not go the traditional route with morning dress? You’re a bit less likely to use it again, but with rental shops getting rid of old industry as the tradition wanes, you can purchase respectable components of an outfit for less than the cost of renting a tuxedo, and then either resell them so you’re outlay is still less or hang on to them in the hopes that you do find some future daytime occasion that merits that level of formality.
Several pictures of particularly iconic example of a wedding in morning dress from recent history can be found here:
http://www.life.com/image/50476398/in-gallery/22929/john-and-jackie-kennedys-wedding
Lastly, I do object to the “everyone can rent the same tux” – this is one new “tradition” that I find particularly tacky, no doubt invented by the rental industry. The wedding party should match in level of formality, but they can and should differ in the particulars. Every man should own a tuxedo that fits him and wear what suits him, and the only thing that matching says is “rental”. If you need something to tie your wedding party together, boutonnieres can serve well in that role.
Someone is going to have to explain to me how buying a tux = “manning up”
@Matt – It’s not “her day,” it’s “our day.” I think it’s ridiculous that weddings have become just some formal thing women have to do because they dreamed about it as a child. The wedding is actually a great time to practice the compromising skills the marriage is going to take.
I think it’s also a myth that women have a certain wedding planned out from childhood. Yes, they dream about getting married, and even fantasize about certain particulars, but it changes over time. They certainly update all of the wedding attire for the time of the wedding – you don’t see those horrible 90s dresses anymore.
@Chris these rules about day and evening wear don’t come from Put This On, and it’s certainly not created by them. I just pointed to them because it’s the only one off the top of my head I could think of (though I’ve read many rules from many decades that state the same). Tuxedos are evening wear.
I’m not a fashion Nazi or anything (Godwin’s Law?), but I don’t think black is a great color on men either. If you’re not at a black tie function, black only seems appropriate if you are a) a stage hand or b) wait staff at TGI Friday.
George Clooney wouldn’t wear a tan suit to the Oscars. But the Oscars are also an evening event.
@Joe, I think Matt mean to say “cave in and buy a tux.”
Like I said black being a color preference is a matter of taste. Arguing about a color is plain stupid though a lot of men would agree that its not just evening wear. But in these situations its helpful to get in the other persons shoes. What if the bride would tell Calvin she wants to wear bright red to the wedding because its her favorite color or some lame reason like that (BTW even though her dress might be white, I can imagine most brides are burning up themselves based on the kind of material those dresses are made of) would you call her out on breaking the rules? Or would you be willing to “compromise”?
Tan suit= red dress
So much controversy! I just want to know if Joe picked up that sweet 1977 Chevy Malibu. I’d drive around town in that baby while wearing a tux.
Tuxedos are not for daytime, so unless you’re getting married outside after 6, which I doubt, it’s not the correct attire. If you’re looking for that ‘wedding’ look during the day, you’re looking for morning coats.
http://www.groomgroove.com/groomville/morning_coats.php
@Ken: I laughed. Hard. I haven’t picked up that Malibu yet, but I’m still thinking about it. They re-listed it on craigslist. And the salesman flat out told me there’s just not a lot of interest in “the older car market” right now. I’m dragging my feet really. But, maybe I should just pay the $2,000… pick up a morning coat and a few smoke bombs, and the next time I head to the grocery store put on a serious show in the parking lot?
If it’s not an evening wedding, then it doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense to wear a tuxedo anyway – tuxedos are evening wear.
Tell her it’s like wearing a parka in the summer or rocking the seersucker suit on Christmas.
Quite a few wears tuxedo these days, but then again wearing one would make you standout. A groom should also standout on this once in a lifetime special event. While wearing a tux, keeping it simple will make you more comfortable.
My vote must be cast definitively on the suit, and here’s why.
A suit is something a man can own and use for a long time. It is likely to be tailored and well-fitting.A tuxedo is likely to be a rental, and therefore VERY poorly fitting, and will look much worse than a tailored suit. If you only plan on using it for the wedding, don’t buy a tuxedo, as it could cost as much as or more than the wedding dress for a decent quality one. If you often attend events where a tuxedo is dress code, then chances are you already have one (this is the only case that I’d say a tuxedo would make sense at all).
A tailored suit will outclass a crappy rental tuxedo every single time.
If it’s a daytime wedding, wearing a tuxedo would be committing a men’s wear sin. Tuxedos are evening wear, and black is also an evening color. On top of that, black makes it look like you are attending a funeral or you are one of the waiters at the reception. Go with a suit and pick navy or a gray. Men tend to allow their fiancé to make their clothing decision for me, despite the fact that most women know nothing about men’s wear. Don’t let that happen to you.
The “It’s her day” rule is bunk. If you prefer a suit, go with a suit. If your fiancee is unwilling to yield you autonomy on this picayune matter, then perhaps you need to reconsider marrying her.