Why the concept of Retail Therapy is nonsense

If you’re feeling mad, sad, frustrated, or just plain bad…

you probably need less of something…

not more of anything else.

You need less of the situation, substance, activity, or place that’s causing you trouble. And finding a smart, courageous, maybe even elegant solution to that problem takes work.

Buying more things (“retail therapy”) as a way to quiet the bad feelings is only gonna make that work harder. Sure, buying a new shirt, watch, or pair of shoes might feel good for a little while. But not only does it allow the true issue to fester and grow, in a nasty twist, using spending to soothe often devalues the damn thing you just bought which you otherwise might have really enjoyed.

Running towards shopping doesn’t mean you’re still not running from something else.

I know this because I do this. Like, all the time.

One of my recurring issues is that I don’t feel like I’m enough. Enough of a man, enough of a professional, enough of a thinking & reasoning person, instead of an emotional, arrogant, selfishly-delusional piece of blood-luggage. And that can make me resentful when I work my tail off to be more of the former and less of the latter, and I end up feeling like that effort doesn’t yield results, or goes unrecognized by either myself and/or what I perceive to be the world writ large.

So? I’ll often buy myself some trinket I’ve had my eye on and rationalize it as a reward. Because “if I don’t do this for myself, right now, who will?”

It’s a classic retail therapy move.

Yet here’s what inevitably happens…

“What’s in the box?“

I got a package the other day. It was a style-related purchase I had been wanting for a while, and was even working towards/saving for. I wasn’t there yet on the budget, but recently I had burned out from putting in a lot of work yet once again, I still didn’t feel like “enough.” So the retail therapy habit loop sets in and POW I smashed that “purchase” button on the thing I wanted.

And when it arrived… it sat unopened. For like, four days.

Sound familiar?

I just wasn’t excited about it. I was still burned out because I hadn’t yet fixed the real issue. (And still haven’t!) What I needed was less… less deadlines, less crushing fear of personal and professional decay, less doom scrolling, less insomnia, less frustration with what’s getting valued in society and what’s not…

And instead I loaded up with a new “more.” More stress on the bank account, more clutter, more back-and-forth over whether I should return it or not. And worse yet, more disappointment in myself because while I wanted a thing and was working towards it, I went about it the wrong way. Which has only devalued what would have otherwise been a pretty cool new addition, as well as fueling my “I guess I’m not enough” thoughts.

Turns out a new blazer won’t help burnout,
a new watch won’t help loneliness,
and a new pair of pants won’t help existential dread.

Clothes, watches, shoes… they’re all tools. Often for the pursuit of fulfilling things like socialization, economic security (getting or maintaining employment,) self-confidence, etc.

But like any tool, if you use it wrong it can do real damage. Far more than if you would have just left it alone, sitting there on the shelf, unused.

The next time you want to participate in a little “retail therapy,” go ahead! (wait what?) But try to take a pause first. Don’t ignore that really cool thing you want. Acknowledge it. Bookmark it. Save it. Write it down and stick it in a drawer (virtual or digital). And give it an hour. Or maybe a day. Give that “more” a little bit “less” of your attention and energy.

With some time you may feel differently. The immediacy of the desire might fade. And while you’re waiting, consider the problem that was pushing you towards the retail therapist’s couch all along. The fix almost always exists in the realm of “less,” and not in the acquisition of one more “more.”